Side Effects: May Include a Fedora Montage.

In case you haven't heard, there's a new C-Tates movie out.  It's called Side Effects, and it stars Jude Law, Rooney Mara, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and everyone's favorite ex-stripper.  Side Effects is directed by Steven Soderbergh, who I always get confused with David Cronenberg, because they're both Jews who occasionally make good thrillers when they're not busy making garbage.  Soderbergh's track record is arguably more consistent, and Side Effects certainly adds weight to his claim.

Side Effects is one those rare films that I won't gut the plot for you, because the less you know the better.  Catherine Zeta-Jones may not dip beneath any lasers, but I can promise you an awkward montage of a giggling, fedora-wearing Channing Tatum.  If that's somehow not enough for you, read after the break.

Warm Bodies, or Cute Girls and Bonies.

He's trying to find the white meat.

Teenage girls just can't seem to fall in love with the living anymore.  Vampires and werewolves I can understand.  Vampires have just the right amount of mystery and darkness, and werewolves tend to have deliciously bronzed abs even when they do look like alpacas.  Monsters used to be scary, but now they're just your daughter's boyfriend.  I guess that gives the fathers of the world one more reason to hunt them down, but seriously, ladies.  I know you're all secretly dead on the inside, but zombies?!  They are a little too-obviously dead on the outside, and they want to eat you.  And not in an I-want-to-eat-you-so-bad-but-I-love-you-so-much-and-let's-make-a-vampire-baby sort of way.  This opening paragraph has been brought to you by Twilight references and misogyny.

So, let's start the review here.  Warm Bodies is good.  (A warm body is always good.  Right, bro?)

Damn it.  The third time should be the charm:

Zero Dark Thirty, or They Killed My Monkeys.

Hey, that's not funny, bro.  My dad died in 9/11.

Dear Kathryn Bigelow,

One of the few popular criticisms of Zero Dark Thirty is that it just might go on a little too long.  I kind of agree.  I think it was about two hours too long.  I think I could have watched Zero Dark Thirty for thirty-seven minutes and been at least mildly entertained.

In reality, I think my enthusiasm lasted about fifteen minutes.  The opening torture sequence, while not particularly engaging, set the stage well.  A CIA agent tortures a captive, says, "dude", "bro", and "man" a whole lot, and we've got the opening to our story.  At least it was a scene.  The scene began, the scene developed, the scene ended.  It wasn't a particularly excellent scene.  There weren't really any lines of dialogue or deep thoughts to take from it, but it told a story.  It began a plot.  And then, the rest of the movie happened.

Django Unchained, or Cinematic Reparations.

My biggest problem with Django Unchained is that it's not as good as Inglorious Basterds.  That's not a bad problem to have.  Thankfully, unlike Inglorious Basterds, Django doesn't have any moments that make me want to slap Quentin Tarantino in the face.

The film really shines in the first act.  Christoph Waltz purchases Django from some slavers and the two form a bounty-hunting partnership that results in some of the funnest movie moments of the year.  Christoph Waltz seems incapable of being outsmarted or killed, and claims each bounty with panache.  It is in these first scenes that we get the best of Tarantino's dialogue, humor, and cleverness.  Christoph Waltz talks himself out of every threatening experience, befuddling a US marshall, a southern plantation, and a group of Klansmen who can't seem to get their headwear in order.

Les Miserables, The Movie Killed the Dream.

So far, the trailer for Les Miserables is one of the best films of the year.  Anne Hathaway whimper-singing "I Dreamed a Dream" gets me every time.  Unfortunately, the trailer somehow made me forget that Les Miserables only has four good songs (I Dreamed a Dream, On My Own, Master of the House, and Little Fall of Rain).  The film reminded me.

Lincoln: The Great Storyteller.

Don't you just want to slap that face?

The best part of Lincoln, is the amazing tangents that Daniel Day-Lewis takes us on.  Certainly, the film is purportedly a tale of overcoming ignorant white people and changing history, but it would have been dull and predicable without Lincoln's penchant for storytelling.  Some of the tensest moments of Lincoln are broken up by a non-sequitur from the commander-in-chief.  His whimsical nature is the highlight, and it's probably enough to make the rest of the film worthwhile.

Wreck-It Ralph: Rated E for Everyone, but Mostly Children.

Animated video game nostalgia.  What's not to like?  Not much, but Wreck-It Ralph just doesn't have the flair to pull off the Pixar style it attempts to emulate.  It's a cute, mildly funny feature that just doesn't accomplish all it set outs to.

It's a fantastic idea really: Wreck-It Ralph, the destructive villain in the fictional video game Fix-It Felix, just wants the chance to be a hero for once.  Unhappy with his day job, he begins jumping between video games in an attempt to prove his worth.  Unfortunately, after the first thirty minutes, Ralph finds himself in a saccharine racing game called Sugar Rush, where he stays for the rest of the film.  There a few amusing references to Tapper, Q-Bert, and a few others, but almost all occur in the film's opening moments.  Once Ralph reaches Sugar Rush, the film evaporates into little more than a childish underdog/outcast story and one amazing Oreo joke.

There are plenty of recognizable voices, but the typecasting is so meticulous, they might as well have named one of the characters "Sarah Silverman".  Disney Animation is trying its best to blend the adult with the childish, but it hasn't quite graduated from elementary school.

6/10