tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38422295964487250182024-03-16T17:51:37.631-04:00Dear FilmmakerBecause it's so much more entertaining to tear something down if you have someone to blame.Dear Filmmakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16821218729910317499noreply@blogger.comBlogger78125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3842229596448725018.post-41858486260119758602024-03-08T13:48:00.000-05:002024-03-08T13:48:49.952-05:00The Top Ten Films of 2023.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnNwR_NrBU1Lt5iTSQDc-5jy5KiFNvxJTUKUVjnSN6B5lqQPsKFntpAbz1_lwQHNjUlK2YG1tzJjPCBeKDlr3OrlHzrG-v-9zDwfczsi6hqBU3IA7TssrnHGL2FON3K9mEx4g1f8d-7p0ceQHehF73o_bVFNXVKn-mbhLn7pdmOx1wfBLEvqRfG6rQ3-I/s900/dreamscenario.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="528" data-original-width="900" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnNwR_NrBU1Lt5iTSQDc-5jy5KiFNvxJTUKUVjnSN6B5lqQPsKFntpAbz1_lwQHNjUlK2YG1tzJjPCBeKDlr3OrlHzrG-v-9zDwfczsi6hqBU3IA7TssrnHGL2FON3K9mEx4g1f8d-7p0ceQHehF73o_bVFNXVKn-mbhLn7pdmOx1wfBLEvqRfG6rQ3-I/w400-h235/dreamscenario.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Most people only saw two movies this year, and I don't blame them. As always, there were good movies, but (with a few exceptions) it took some work to find the ones worth remembering. Of course, the Internet wants you to think that 2023 was the greatest year for film since 2019, but the Internet is 90% bots and probably still believes in trickle-down economics. 2023 was maybe a better year for film than 2021. My hottest takes of the year are that no one would care about <i>Killers of the Flower Moon </i>if it were directed by a normal person, and <i>Oppenheimer </i>might be better than <i>Tenet. </i>It's close. Keep in mind that I didn't watch any animated films or documentaries, and I once made the ridiculous claim that 2010 was a bad movie year, so my opinions are questionable.</div><span></span><span><a name='more'></a></span></div><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Movies for Normal People</span></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b></b></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgh7RdrUK4Cute72OXWNiSjrvrXmDbp09Dkb58IhI6KL2xOAz7PTMVvitySye340A-SB2Zx_AX6IdrAhphQce0wrdDntCny0OqvEm9sO5b8Q0v254951XTyIwRFWOmx3o6CdsvkKklnz1rSVlvVk8B6cMARxBEmir6ZwNdmXqJAQct3zlmtMZf4C4zKYVQ/s1284/bradley-cooper-dnd-cameo-2.webp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="856" data-original-width="1284" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgh7RdrUK4Cute72OXWNiSjrvrXmDbp09Dkb58IhI6KL2xOAz7PTMVvitySye340A-SB2Zx_AX6IdrAhphQce0wrdDntCny0OqvEm9sO5b8Q0v254951XTyIwRFWOmx3o6CdsvkKklnz1rSVlvVk8B6cMARxBEmir6ZwNdmXqJAQct3zlmtMZf4C4zKYVQ/w400-h266/bradley-cooper-dnd-cameo-2.webp" width="400" /></a></b></div><p></p><p style="text-align: left;">Most years there is a really good film I can default recommend to just about everyone who asks. The go-tos for the last few years were <i>Everything Everywhere All At Once, Pig, Palm Springs, </i>and pretty much everything from 2019. You'd think that <i>Barbie</i> would be that movie this year, but I think there are still rallies and protests denouncing it in Florida, so I hesitated. Don't take "normal people" as an insult. I think it's cool that you guys have obligations and loved ones and don't have time to watch 100+ movies every year. 2023 was, of course, the year that the masses went to see a three hour biopic about a scientist trying to keep his security clearance, so maybe you guys just need some direction. My top ten is filled with intimate dramas, foreign films, violence, and vulgarity; but if you just want to be entertained and not at risk of contemplating your existence, the banality of evil, or how anyone could possibly like <i>Maestro, </i>this section is for you.</p><p style="text-align: left;">Action movies were hot this year, but everyone skipped <i>Mission Impossible: Dead Reckoning Part One</i> even though it was exactly what everyone wants from the series. <i>Sisu</i> is a classic dad movie where one guy kills a bunch of Nazis. <i>John Wick 4</i> has so many hot action scenes that it might be too long. <i>Kill Boksoon</i> is the Korean <i>John Wick</i> and <i>The Childe</i> is a solid Korean thriller. <i>The Holdovers</i> is for you if you miss amusing dramedies and <i>American Fiction</i> is a solid pick in a similar vein. <i>Godzilla</i> <i>Minus One</i> is a better post-WW2 movie than <i>Oppenheimer</i>, and if you want more scifi/adventure, <i>The Creator</i> is basically <i>Star Wars </i>in the age of AI, <i>Guardians of the Galaxy 3</i> is probably the last Marvel movie that won't be terrible, and <i>Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves</i> was criminally underseen. <i>Missing </i>is the most riveting advertisement for Apple products that you'll ever watch, and <i>They Cloned Tyrone</i> has <i>Sorry to Bother You</i> vibes without the horror/shock ending.</p><p style="text-align: left;">See? I watch fun stuff too. Anyways. On to the top ten.</p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>10. Saltburn</b></span></p><p style="text-align: center;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxruA9lPpp4jc8_XmkjQZlarlwyFi_j_8PDoTl3caSz0X2BgsdMzA1AWxuUto8O9UL6giMiNcDMrUWK39MjWMA4mapZqrmYKokigKZM-LiFLW4rsfRQbVnaWMCMqwp2gFcA3_Lhq84cX_DVuQ2rlv4TY6bRSF73rzP72jRk9ZQunngyHJ00gkcSG5qYc0/s1400/saltburn3.webp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1026" data-original-width="1400" height="294" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxruA9lPpp4jc8_XmkjQZlarlwyFi_j_8PDoTl3caSz0X2BgsdMzA1AWxuUto8O9UL6giMiNcDMrUWK39MjWMA4mapZqrmYKokigKZM-LiFLW4rsfRQbVnaWMCMqwp2gFcA3_Lhq84cX_DVuQ2rlv4TY6bRSF73rzP72jRk9ZQunngyHJ00gkcSG5qYc0/w400-h294/saltburn3.webp" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Okay. Let's just call it a multi-way tie for tenth. I wrote the entire entry for "10. <i>The Holdovers</i>" but it bored me, so it's been deleted like an old-money European family. If you want to watch a light-hearted drama/comedy about an abandoned boarding school kid swapping witty barbs with Paul Giamatti, watch <i>The Holdovers. </i>If you want to see Barry Keoghan drink dirty bathwater and hang dong, <i>Saltburn </i>is the one you want. Barry Keoghan arrives at Oxford with no friends and has to hang out with a math nerd until he does a favor for the hot guy from <i>Euphoria </i>(Jacob Elordi, if you need me to narrow it down)<i> </i>and gets invited to hang out with the rich kids. Most of the rich kids don't like Barry, but Jacob Elordi doesn't mind that he's a weirdo, and invites him to his family's home for the summer. It is here where we meet the best ensemble cast of 2023. All the best lines are saved for Rosamund Pike, but Richard E. Grant has plenty too. <i>Saltburn </i>is at its absolute best when the cast is gossiping, trading quips, or mumbling amusing nonsense. Narratively, it's a mixed bag. <i>Saltburn </i>is about class, but it doesn't have much to say. The character motivations are questionable, and mostly just an excuse for Keoghan to do weird stuff. The final act drags and comes complete with narrative reveals that anyone who was paying attention already knew about. But there's enough weird fun and rich people shenanigans that I was thoroughly amused. If this movie was just Rosamund Pike spitting insults and gossip for two hours. it might have been #1. <i>Saltburn</i> is on Prime, which has ads now. I think it's time to bring back physical media.</div><p></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>9. Talk To Me</b></span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyVRXaCn4o91nlj9RUv45S7D0394Tjp4Q9DHHKbzAF1jgV6Q39gGY6fJOhMVepz0-KrFWiS6hYmkHvX1TChonJAEhCEAf5UI__OlwQ9TS2_1mzMnw8OtI-tA9Pp3mq1a8kJqQm1xx1hX0y-rhblx0lhyOT_DvyhoUmif-gwTKvzyIJK6f0fv561qWNIGI/s1920/talktome.jpg" style="font-size: large;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1920" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyVRXaCn4o91nlj9RUv45S7D0394Tjp4Q9DHHKbzAF1jgV6Q39gGY6fJOhMVepz0-KrFWiS6hYmkHvX1TChonJAEhCEAf5UI__OlwQ9TS2_1mzMnw8OtI-tA9Pp3mq1a8kJqQm1xx1hX0y-rhblx0lhyOT_DvyhoUmif-gwTKvzyIJK6f0fv561qWNIGI/w400-h225/talktome.jpg" width="400" /></a></p><p></p><p style="text-align: left;">As long as you like horror movies, I can also recommend <i>Talk To Me</i>. Is it vastly better than last year's <i>Smile</i>?<i> </i>Probably not, but if you saw <i>Smile, </i>I assume you were pleasantly surprised. <i>Talk To Me</i> is the timeless tale of kids getting together in basements to experiment with drugs—except in this case, they're summoning spirits into their bodies and posting the videos on TikTok. <i>Talk To Me</i> is a classic ninety-minute horror movie that quickly explains it's logic, has a character break the rules, and chaos ensues. Here, the teens have discovered an embalmed hand that allows them to contact deceased spirits to take over their bodies for up to ninety seconds. If the ninety seconds is exceeded, the spirit wants to stay. Spoiler alert. The ninety seconds is exceeded. It's probably a better idea to do drugs, kids. If horror is your thing and you're okay with children being slaughtered, <i>When Evil Lurks</i> is also very good. I must also point out that <i>Thanksgiving</i> fucking slaps and it almost got crammed into the #10 slot<i>. </i>The Internet will charge you like $5 to watch <i>Talk to Me</i>, so skip a Starbucks trip and watch it instead.</p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>8. May December<br /></b></span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwvmHsEl_Y3vd0UtuvSjVi1x0ZLh5EipZTtFIyV1Nhu72faMiS54dPTk03SheeGIwlHDyTpOZkCJDK8Q5z8MlL2OurxQ2iPFLwuwv4ETYQkAgB_twowfKblYBgPhIZUwL91S25ZAl6XM8-dIG4hnCE8Ekvi_uJtWHv3O5fsN6BztK3kJpw3kp0ciNMOcg/s7728/maydecember.jpg" style="font-size: large;"><img border="0" data-original-height="5152" data-original-width="7728" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwvmHsEl_Y3vd0UtuvSjVi1x0ZLh5EipZTtFIyV1Nhu72faMiS54dPTk03SheeGIwlHDyTpOZkCJDK8Q5z8MlL2OurxQ2iPFLwuwv4ETYQkAgB_twowfKblYBgPhIZUwL91S25ZAl6XM8-dIG4hnCE8Ekvi_uJtWHv3O5fsN6BztK3kJpw3kp0ciNMOcg/w400-h266/maydecember.jpg" width="400" /></a></p><p></p><p style="text-align: left;">If you saw <i>May December</i> and didn't understand why it got nominated for best comedy or musical at the Golden Globes, you and I are watching movies through a vastly different lens. Sure, 50% of the movie is devastatingly sad. But, the other half is a goddamn comedic treasure. "I don't think we have enough hot dogs" is probably the most memorable line of 2023. Throw in a handful of other brilliant—albeit awkward—quips, Natalie Portman complaining that the thirteen-year-old actors aren't hot enough, as well as the cinematic result of Natalie Portman's careful character building; and you have a comedic masterpiece on your hands. You also have a tender portrait of an adult realizing that he was taken advantage of as a child. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, <i>May December </i>is the story of an actress (Natalie Portman) visiting a heavily publicized couple which formed when the wife (Julianne Moore) was in her thirties and the husband (Charles Melton) was in seventh grade. It's campy as hell, sad as hell, and maybe life is just hell. Charles Melton is brilliant, Julianne Moore has an insane lisp, and Natalie Portman is probably a bad person. All that being said, this is likely a movie for people who watch too many movies, and if you don't like it I won't judge you. It also looks like absolute trash because Netflix's bitrate is awful.</p><p style="text-align: center;"><b style="font-size: large;">7. Barbie<br /></b></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghGpI5DslXYvPbZxyYVYLrrH_-7Dan8TlDDX9k6hP9E-kviVfTkNjGFcWoyUY3oq8a7TPkSHiTcVOJuKG-tmQO9Er0GMkqTym96frg3NdqJ2K48UBrovdSw2s_v4F1v5XJ4M58WCaDqPOQ9C0nLpasNCEdwWeqWl9jxFSksPJ51o5KFbOxmAbSNelO7HY/s980/barbie2.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="654" data-original-width="980" height="268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghGpI5DslXYvPbZxyYVYLrrH_-7Dan8TlDDX9k6hP9E-kviVfTkNjGFcWoyUY3oq8a7TPkSHiTcVOJuKG-tmQO9Er0GMkqTym96frg3NdqJ2K48UBrovdSw2s_v4F1v5XJ4M58WCaDqPOQ9C0nLpasNCEdwWeqWl9jxFSksPJ51o5KFbOxmAbSNelO7HY/w400-h268/barbie2.jpeg" width="400" /></a></div><div style="font-size: large; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Pre-Internet, <i>Barbie</i> would have been the easiest general-recommend of the the year. But apparently, in 2023, it's such a controversial film that Ben Shapiro started doing movie reviews. I will admit that I thoroughly enjoyed everyone and their mom weighing in on <i>Barbie</i>, but everyone seemed to be so adamantly confident in supporting or disparaging the film's message that it made me laugh. Because... What is the film's message? I don't think it's clear. <i>Barbie</i> is, without a doubt, a funny movie; but it is all over the place thematically. And that's okay! Funny is allowed to be funny without a reason. Do I have criticisms? Sure. Will Ferrell's character makes no sense. Do any of the named characters actually represent men (aside from the Spanish-learning husband)? I'm not sure. Certainly, the Kens in the movie are male, but they have spent most of their existence in a matriarchy. Is their rebellion indicative of the patriarchy, or is it feminism? Why does America Ferrera's speech about the difficulty of being a woman resonate with the Barbies who have never experienced being a real-world woman? I honestly can't tell you. Do people know that <i>Push</i> by Matchbox Twenty is about emotional abuse? Do the Kens? I don't know. I assume that you either saw <i>Barbie </i>or <i>Oppenheimer </i>this year, and don't need me to explain the plot to you. The only obvious trope in <i>Barbie</i> seems to be that being a woman sucks. I agree that I do not wish to be a woman. But Barbie<i> </i>randomly decides she wants to be one at the end of the film, so it must not be <i>that</i> bad. I have a thousand criticisms of this movie but also don't know how I would fix any of them and enjoyed thinking about it; so Ryan Gosling being amusing is enough to put this in the recommend column. You can stream it on Max.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>6. Past Lives</b></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><div style="font-size: large; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTMx3888DEaWfvEySvGFyv7VD7Qxp6ZnaN04dVqyd0vh9qKAIn0GJ4fL83eCxJhkN6FIu_BbYnX2CZMVQbuB8NiqoYoyEVIl2l5C81XGicoNb-C-nfHS_CuNAPkJoqbgm9qYt-b7Vtwqsahqgs4sFilw4VyuR8SQ4iq0HsX9IIQu-JuW4apWmcLvH5P0g/s3000/pastlives.jpg"><img border="0" data-original-height="1687" data-original-width="3000" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTMx3888DEaWfvEySvGFyv7VD7Qxp6ZnaN04dVqyd0vh9qKAIn0GJ4fL83eCxJhkN6FIu_BbYnX2CZMVQbuB8NiqoYoyEVIl2l5C81XGicoNb-C-nfHS_CuNAPkJoqbgm9qYt-b7Vtwqsahqgs4sFilw4VyuR8SQ4iq0HsX9IIQu-JuW4apWmcLvH5P0g/w400-h225/pastlives.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div style="text-align: left;">Have you ever had a crush on a girl that you met once twenty years ago and have talked to twice since? Of course you have. Here's one for you. <i>Past Lives</i> is a mostly-Korean-language drama about a ten year old Korean girl who immigrates to America, leaving behind the boy she went on a date with once. The Korean boy, starved of human affection, pines over her for a decade before finding her on Facebook and calling her on Skype—which was a really cool thing we used to do in 2010. They make kissy faces at each other from thousands of miles away, get sexually frustrated and then block each other on Facebook. Another ten years later, homeboy still can't get over his elementary school crush, so he flies to America to chat with her in Korean while her husband watches. All of this could be embarrassing and sentimental—okay, it's a little embarrassing and sentimental, but in the most delicate, impactful way. What's great about <i>Past Lives</i> is how all the characters react to their love triangle more responsibly than actual adults probably would. No one makes a Dawson Leery cry-face, I promise. It's about the sadness of missed opportunity, recognizing a potential soulmate in someone you're not partnered with, and acting like a goddamn adult about it. Watch it on Paramount+, or Showtime, or Fubo, or Hoopla, or throw your hands in the air and wonder why there are so many streaming services.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>5. Fallen Leaves</b></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiViMvI19lLKIaVWWdl3cKHMWlB4ZZJQa9YLkl7tWXN8FyH8C4lBpkvY25L6ClT-5WB9J_87Wk-ejRHjjMAibsblbWeyklemnJIm5W0UZho6yUFca9wR3WyB7rmMntlljuRRQqEECgAoKGG9mVE1o_M8GXqgyaj_NtG0xOz5F8o6KDHmyc4LW06nMAyFIo/s1916/fallenleaves.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1021" data-original-width="1916" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiViMvI19lLKIaVWWdl3cKHMWlB4ZZJQa9YLkl7tWXN8FyH8C4lBpkvY25L6ClT-5WB9J_87Wk-ejRHjjMAibsblbWeyklemnJIm5W0UZho6yUFca9wR3WyB7rmMntlljuRRQqEECgAoKGG9mVE1o_M8GXqgyaj_NtG0xOz5F8o6KDHmyc4LW06nMAyFIo/w400-h214/fallenleaves.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><i>Fallen Leaves</i> is about a lonely Finnish alcoholic who meets a lonely Finnish grocery worker. They stare at each other while a stranger sings karaoke. Later, they meet again, fall in love, and pine over each other a bit. We only know this because the background music tells us. Can you nominate music for best supporting actor? The characters don't express their emotions much in this film, and the dialogue is deliciously deadpan; but two girls in pajamas sing us the best scene of 2023. If it's unclear, this is not a musical, there's just a lot of diegetic background music while the characters drink beers, stare at each other, or stare into space. I'm sorry. These are the movies I like. The dialogue that is in this movie is routinely delightful, often hilarious, and the film is filled with supporting characters that bring me joy: an overbearing security guard, a drug-dealing bar owner, and most importantly, the Karaoke King (whose age is unfortunately misjudged). If you can appreciate 80-minutes of awkward romance, dry humor, and a reminder that the world is shitty but you should probably quit drinking and talk to girls, <i>Fallen Leaves </i>is free on Mubi, whatever that is.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>4. Bottoms</b></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAdqetZI_naZHPxc8dbij7XaFL9DS8I1VGG2j-Cv_3KcZgm_go0puz7vOuX-1GSsmRXANQMryHL9wk2T5llRy4Z0BYafCIMCTKV1fg0sfdkA9cOzXWiHkD5MVyGZkJ7Pcll8q2FZEJfxmEAVeUzOuvxtlpMhlI1QeOtQCzFua_tQskeJ5lKAw2PPfcKi8/s2560/bottoms.webp" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1707" data-original-width="2560" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAdqetZI_naZHPxc8dbij7XaFL9DS8I1VGG2j-Cv_3KcZgm_go0puz7vOuX-1GSsmRXANQMryHL9wk2T5llRy4Z0BYafCIMCTKV1fg0sfdkA9cOzXWiHkD5MVyGZkJ7Pcll8q2FZEJfxmEAVeUzOuvxtlpMhlI1QeOtQCzFua_tQskeJ5lKAw2PPfcKi8/w400-h266/bottoms.webp" width="400" /></a></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div></div><div style="text-align: left;">This better be the year that the Internet stops claiming there aren't any good comedies anymore. I agree that there are <i>less, </i>but there's less of everything that isn't a major IP or a low-budget drama about a poverty-stricken single mother. <i>Bottoms </i>is the best pure comedy of the year; but you shouldn't sit on <i>Joy Ride </i>or <i>Theater Camp—</i>and don't forget that <i>Barbie</i> was a comedy, not a political thriller. Just don't go crazy and pretend that <i>No Hard Feelings </i>was good simply because you saw Jennifer Lawrence's boobs (allegedly). <i>Bottoms</i> is about two high school lesbian losers who start a female fight club in order to impress chicks and get laid. No one hates them for being gay. People hate them because they're gay, untalented and ugly. It has <i>Superbad</i> levels of rambling-but-clever dialogue and <i>Not Another Teen Movie</i> levels of witty silliness.<i> </i>Yes, comparisons to <i>Not Another Teen Movie</i> are a good thing, don't pretend they aren't. The fight club may be a ruse, but the threat isn't. The big football game against the rival high school is coming up, and the other high school has a tradition of killing a student. Will the students avoid certain death? Will they finally get to put their fingers inside of each other? Can you care about feminism if your favorite TV show is Entourage? Watch <i>Bottoms</i> on Prime Video to find out. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>3. Monster</b></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2uYf9KoMVl33grzlXcS9U_sPL9_KVoq5_K4vn_Xd0grnoyQ0L02PE9A-kyH8kSLpWrFKKvCE95eFXdHcElSG7LtjL1Y4ZvdnmmnpKfuordK4SKPIox1HfB_6P4RQocQfeullB3ryJrkXMY0i6nRzHWgWpG67QJLH8McPAD2RzBjDyMfbvcDm5MeC5m-c/s1000/monster.webp" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="565" data-original-width="1000" height="226" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2uYf9KoMVl33grzlXcS9U_sPL9_KVoq5_K4vn_Xd0grnoyQ0L02PE9A-kyH8kSLpWrFKKvCE95eFXdHcElSG7LtjL1Y4ZvdnmmnpKfuordK4SKPIox1HfB_6P4RQocQfeullB3ryJrkXMY0i6nRzHWgWpG67QJLH8McPAD2RzBjDyMfbvcDm5MeC5m-c/w400-h226/monster.webp" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div style="text-align: left;">Hirokazu Koreeda (<i>Broker, Shoplifters, Nobody Knows</i>) is the master of telling beautiful, bittersweet stories that I have an impossible time convincing anyone to watch. The same is true of <i>Monster</i>, which is told in three parts, each revealing an additional layer of understanding to the situation at hand. The film begins with a mother concerned with her son's behavior, seeking help from his school and being absolutely railroaded by administrative nonsense. This is predictably infuriating, but the film thankfully begins to fill in the gaps with the school's perspective, and everything becomes clear in the final act. The ultimate result is a beautiful coming-of-age story wrought with misunderstandings and seemingly small moments with large impacts. Do you know where your children are? Because these people do not. I could tell you more about this film, but it wouldn't convince you anyway. Maybe consider the considerable lack of sarcasm in this review as a glowing recommendation. You can watch <i>Monster </i>on the Internet, but it costs like $15, which might be a better value than Netflix at this point.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>2. Poor Things</b></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhE_aIwtuHfhRMn3W1RnjXIOuCLeYaVNxCKYBDFRSq4GI0_aqu3mHdmoqHms-DH1QXYQPiKsc98ZoaRP5_i1LJF3qVGFQewLfQXhnCk5w6tybT_xsHKwTEiocA4fLMv6pIcOyhg4qqhyphenhyphenSKKwdw5WCL8cfCwG3J6eFNuNsnnbnkdTdjTxfZ_IMFNRD0r2NM/s1400/poorthings.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="858" data-original-width="1400" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhE_aIwtuHfhRMn3W1RnjXIOuCLeYaVNxCKYBDFRSq4GI0_aqu3mHdmoqHms-DH1QXYQPiKsc98ZoaRP5_i1LJF3qVGFQewLfQXhnCk5w6tybT_xsHKwTEiocA4fLMv6pIcOyhg4qqhyphenhyphenSKKwdw5WCL8cfCwG3J6eFNuNsnnbnkdTdjTxfZ_IMFNRD0r2NM/w400-h245/poorthings.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div style="text-align: left;">I'm as shocked as you are that this is not number one. People who don't like Yorgos Lanthimos films (except <i>Alps</i>) are usually just boring, moralistic nerds who think Yorgos actually gives a shit about how you interpret his movie. This may only be Yorgos' fourth best film, but he still made the best Barbie movie of the year. Emma Stone plays Bella Baxter, an adult woman resurrected from death by Willem Dafoe, who puts her unborn child's brain inside her adult body. Bella quickly grows up inside the Barbie dreamhouse of Willem Dafoe's mansion, discovers her clitoris before she figures out social norms, and is released into the world when Mark Ruffalo absconds with her. Bella likes to have sex, dance, have snacks, and punch babies. Mark Ruffalo is enchanted by her sexuality, but as Bella experiences more of the world and starts learning fancy words, she outgrows Mark Ruffalo and destroys his spirit—which is a beautiful thing to watch. <i>Poor Things</i> may be feminist or propagate the male gaze; I don't know and I don't care. It's ridiculous and funny, and I enjoy being entertained. <i>Poor Things</i> is on Hulu.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>1. All of Us Strangers</b></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhn20TVvYFGf_rSmeeMWd7_DuK3YKiCOF4XEshypLhLhPF8Ey79bFVBHR7ZLYripRj7H_tq-Evv3SIllTc7dfZT8FcUN8ZkbjsxCUI5ZxK8vEiVTSnueee9UZeJ35vYvhWnzqtSRwRmcf1SPNHtunk1DQWYV3ys-XVf2xWExAGtRQXpQCzzZl9Wj-C4iow/s768/allofusstrangers.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="539" data-original-width="768" height="281" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhn20TVvYFGf_rSmeeMWd7_DuK3YKiCOF4XEshypLhLhPF8Ey79bFVBHR7ZLYripRj7H_tq-Evv3SIllTc7dfZT8FcUN8ZkbjsxCUI5ZxK8vEiVTSnueee9UZeJ35vYvhWnzqtSRwRmcf1SPNHtunk1DQWYV3ys-XVf2xWExAGtRQXpQCzzZl9Wj-C4iow/w400-h281/allofusstrangers.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div style="text-align: left;">Say what you will about 2023, but the gays dominated this year. Obviously, out of the top ten, <i>Bottoms</i> killed it and everyone in <i>Saltburn </i>was maliciously bisexual, but I promise there is another. #NoSpoilers #SecretGay #GayBoyJoy. I'm still not sure how hashtags work, but 2023 was also a great year for talking to dead people and ruminating on how things could have been. <i>All of Us Strangers</i> delivers on all counts. Andrew Scott plays a lonely gay man who discovers his long-dead parents are occupying his childhood home. As he rebuilds (or reimagines) his relationship with his parents, he also becomes close with his equally lonely and gay neighbor, Paul Mescal. Andrew Scott comes out to his long-dead parents, who understandably are not up to date on the societal norms regarding homosexuality post their death in the 1980's. It's a touching film that would be great to watch with your mildly-homophobic boomer parents except for that one scene where Paul Mescal snowballs bodily fluids. Somehow not nominated for any acting awards at the Oscars, <i>All of Us Strangers</i> is devastating, raw, and heartbreakingly relevant—even for the lonely straights. The director of <i>All of Us Strangers</i> also directed <i>Weekend</i> (2011), another film in the essential gay cinema collection I keep pitching to Criterion. Did I mention that I am the cishet expert on LGBT2QIA+ cinema? It's not my fault. Blame the patriarchy. Or <i>Barbie</i>. <i>All of Us Strangers</i> is available on Hulu, which means Hulu wins this year because it has the top two.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><u>Everything Else:</u></b></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><u><br /></u></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>FEEL FREE TO REPLACE NUMBER TEN WITH ONE OF THESE:</b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><div><b>The Holdovers - </b>Paul Giamatti is a cranky old professor who bonds with a student.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Joy Ride - </span>The Asian female <i>Hangover-</i>style comedy that <i>Bridesmaids </i>wishes it was.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">When Evil Lurks - </span>An evil spirit is on the lose and it slaughters people and enlists creepy children.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Kill Boksoon - </span>The Asian female <i>John Wick</i> with a mother/daughter dynamic instead of a dog.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Thanksgiving - </span>Fun kills and silly puns. It reminded me that the <i>Scream</i> movies used to be good.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">American Fiction - </span>More drama than I expected, but plenty of bewildering societal humor.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">They Cloned Tyrone - </span>The government is cloning drug dealers and experimenting on black people.</div><div><br /></div><div><b>ALSO GOOD:</b></div><div><b><br /></b></div><div><div><b>Falcon Lake - </b>The classic tale of getting your first girlfriend and ruining your life.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Teacher’s Lounge - </span>A thriller about trying to get your least favorite coworker fired.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Society of the Snow - </span>A plane crashes and the passengers eat each other.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Missing - </span>A girl uses her iMac, her iPhone, and an iColumbian to search for her mom.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">No One Will Save You - </span>A loner fights off an alien invasion.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Mission Impossible - Dead Reckoning Part One - </span>Tom Cruise rides a motorcycle off a cliff.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Godzilla Minus One - </span>A Godzilla movie made me cry.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">M3gan - </span>Don't give the artificial intelligence a body, people!</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Theater Camp - </span>Theater nerds put on plays while their bumbling leader tries to save the camp.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 3 - </span>Raccoon Lives Matter.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Creator - </span>The USA is trying to slaughter the AI people who just want to live their lives.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Anatomy of a Fall - </span>Why isn't this dog nominated for best supporting actor?</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Killers of the Flower Moon - </span>Leo was miscast and Lily Gladstone somehow wins an Oscar from bed. </div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Air - </span>The riveting tale of product endorsement.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Dream Scenario - </span>Nic Cage gets cancelled for perving on people in their dreams.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Iron Claw - </span>The wildest thing about this movie is that so many members of this family died in real life, that they couldn't all fit in this movie.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves - </span>Bradley Cooper should have been nominated for being tiny in this.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Sisu - </span>A grizzled man single handedly defeats the Nazis.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Five Devils - </span>A little girl smells things and sabotages her Aunt.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Amanda - </span>An anxious rich girl looks for a boyfriend and deadpan comedy ensues.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Childe - </span>A poor kid travels to meet his foreign father and everyone tries to kill him or capture him.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Wonka - </span>Better than the Johnny Depp one, but of course nowhere near Gene Wilder.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Are you there, God? It’s Me, Margaret. - </span>An eleven-year-old girl has an existential crisis.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Next Goal Wins - </span>Not his best, but there's enough Waititi-humor to make it worth while.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">How to Blow Up a Pipeline - </span>Vegans commit terrorism.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Aloners - </span>Gen Z really doesn't like talking to each other.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Renfield - </span>Dressing Nicholas Hoult in silly makeup and letting him loose is my favorite genre.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Concrete Utopia - </span>An earthquake destroys Seoul and the survivors fight over the last apartment building.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Dicks: The Musical - </span>Two homosexual men bravely play heterosexuals and somehow convinced Nathan Lane to be in this.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Dumb Money - </span>This is just as adequate as <i>Air </i>or <i>Blackberry</i> but maybe confusing if you didn't already know that stocks only go up.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Io Capitano - </span>Africans try to sneak into Europe and have a rough time.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Flora and Son - </span>A single mother learns guitar in a day and starts a band with her son.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Anyone But You - </span>Good might be a stretch, but if you want to watch an R-rated romantic comedy this is what you get.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Sick - </span>Teenagers get slaughtered because they didn't wear a mask during COVID.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">John Wick: Chapter 4 - </span>Keanu Reeves saunters up a staircase.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Sanctuary - </span>Jon Snow knows nothing and gets consensually dominated by a tiny woman.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Discontinued - </span>A suicidal girl finds out she's living in a simulation and that makes her life better.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Polite Society - </span>An aspiring stuntwoman sabotages her sister's wedding with kung-fu.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Nowhere - </span>A migrant floats in a shipping container in the middle of the ocean.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Evil Dead Rise - </span>Demons slaughter people, if you like that sort of thing.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Covenant - </span>Jake Gyllenhaal fights the Taliban to save his Afghan translator.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Artifice Girl - </span>In case you haven't pondered the ethics of artificial intelligence yet.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Quiz Lady - </span>It was a great year for Asian female comedies.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Fingernails - </span>A tiny drama about taking a test to confirm your soulmate.</div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Blackberry - </span>Some dudes build a phone and Glenn Howerton acts.</div><div style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></div></div><div style="font-weight: bold;">THE MEH:</div><div style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></div><div><div><b>Dreamin’ Wild - </b>Casey Affleck gets popular for songs he wrote when he was a teenager.</div><div><b>Napoleon - </b>I need the four hour cut of this movie to tell whether it's good or not.</div><div><b>Priscilla - </b>At least Tom Hanks isn't in it.</div><div><b>Lady Ballers - </b>There are some laughs, but they're trying too hard.</div><div><b>The Blackening - </b>If every character is black, who dies first?</div><div><b>Afire - </b>Some asshole gives Paula Beer dirty looks for dating a lifeguard.</div><div><b>Knock at the Cabin - </b>It's not as bad as you think it is, which is a twist when it comes to Shyamalan lately.</div><div><b>Soulmate - </b>Two Koreans are friends and draw pictures.</div><div><b>Perfect Days - </b>Tokyo public restrooms are the best.</div><div><b>No Hard Feelings - </b>I can't remember a single joke from this movie.</div><div><b>Magic Mike’s Last Dance - </b>C Tates grinds on Salma Hayek.</div><div><b>Scream VI - </b>These movies have become the trope instead of dissecting the tropes.</div><div><b>The Hunger Games: Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes - </b>Rachel Zegler hides while a rich dude wins the Hunger Games for her.</div><div><b>The Royal Hotel - </b>Two bartenders get sexually harassed so they burn down the bar.</div><div><b>Shortcomings - </b>Asian-American comedy is Netflix's default genre.</div><div><b>Reality - </b>This is why you should never print anything at work.</div><div><b>The Origin of Evil - </b>This basically the French <i>Saltburn,</i> but boring.</div><div><b>Totally Killer - </b>Totally adequate.</div><div><b>Down Low - </b>A borderline malicious gay comedy that made me want to rewatch <i>The D Train</i>.</div><div><b>El Conde - </b>Cinematography and vampires everywhere.</div><div><b>Dark Harvest - </b>It's like the hunger games but they're just fighting a scarecrow so they can eat him.</div><div><b>Oppenheimer - </b>"I am become death—destroyer of dat ass."</div><div><b>The Killer - </b>It's good for a Netflix movie, but it's bad for a Fincher movie.</div><div><b>Smoking Causes Coughing - </b>A superhero troupe defeat an evil turtle and then go on a team-building retreat.</div><div><b>Old Dads - </b>Bill Burr complains about Gen Z.</div><div><b>Leave the World Behind - </b>A girl goes on an epic quest to watch the final episode of <i>Friends</i>.</div><div><b>Rye Lane - </b>The most overrated romantic comedy of the year.</div><div><b>Sound of Freedom - </b>The final third of the movie reads like a hero fantasy of what the author wished actually happened.</div><div><b>Nyad - </b>Jodie Foster yells out an Oscar campaign while Annette Bening swims.</div><div><b>Ferrari - </b>Watch it hoping for a car crash, just like you do with Nascar.</div><div><b>The Beasts - </b>French hillbillies fight off gentrification.</div><div><b>You Are So Not Invited to My Bat Mitzvah - </b>I so invite you to not watch this movie.</div><div><b>Ballerina - </b>Asian action is Netflix's secondary default genre.</div><div><b>Cat Person - </b>Being a woman is terrifying and dating isn't worth it.</div><div><b>Beau Is Afraid - </b>Beau is a fun time for about an hour.</div><div><b>Linoleum - </b>Jim Gaffigan builds a rocket and bores the viewer.</div><div><b>Jules - </b>Old people befriend an alien.</div><div><b>The Flash - </b>This is a relatively good DC movie which is hilarious, because it's bad.</div><div><b>Asteroid City - </b>Wes Anderson made the worst version of the movie he makes every year.</div><div><b>Master Gardener - </b>Gardeners with tattoos are obviously badass.</div><div><b>A Thousand and One - </b>I broke my rule and watched a movie about a struggling single mother to remind myself why I have a rule not to.</div><div><b>The Marvels - </b>How many TV Shows do I have to watch to catch up on the Marvel universe?</div><div><b>The Zone of Interest - </b>A lady obsesses over her house while genocide is committed in her backyard.</div><div><b>Infinity Pool - </b>Mia Goth is clearly a bad influence.</div><div><br /></div><div><b>THE BAD:</b></div><div style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></div></div></div><div style="text-align: left;"><div><b>Passages - </b>An obnoxious dude ruins relationships with men and women.</div><div><b>Suitable Flesh - </b>People have sex and get murdered.</div><div><b>Maestro - </b>Did we ever find out who abandoned Snoopy in the vestibule?</div><div><b>Fair Play - </b>It was a renaissance year for menstrual blood.</div><div><b>Perpetrator - </b>Once you turn forty in Hollywood, your only option as an actress is apparently trash horror movies.</div><div><b>Jethica - </b>A girl's ex boyfriend won't stop stalking her even after she kills him.</div><div><b>Love at First Sight - </b>The greatest missed opportunity of the year is not naming this <i>Love at First Flight.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><b>CINEMATIC TRAVESTIES:</b></div><div><br /></div><div><b>The Color Purple - </b>Women get abused and then they sing songs.</div><div><b>Will-o’-the-Wisp - </b>It's as if an undesirable student filmmaker wrote a film just so he could make out with a hot black fireman.</div><div><br /></div></div></div></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div></div></div>Dear Filmmakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16821218729910317499noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3842229596448725018.post-52011058972477177802023-03-03T00:13:00.064-05:002023-03-17T13:33:07.593-04:00The Top Fifteen Films of 2022.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhscMPoFhReJ2r8ZvXOekApthzkDxb6yrpQ9a0eFMRLCzQT1Qii-wAKkKsLbood2JvriFsMhTnONxCD_3H35SQEN-6WAQ-QLGv08oqHDxPs0ePpzM8HF5b1hxwf1Z08iAFPgbecHHGwPFdXhq0vIMqLUlruJZnaTUHW8Q-MZvbWSw9XXNdLodS1_1Np/s1152/crimes-of-the-future_1.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="648" data-original-width="1152" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhscMPoFhReJ2r8ZvXOekApthzkDxb6yrpQ9a0eFMRLCzQT1Qii-wAKkKsLbood2JvriFsMhTnONxCD_3H35SQEN-6WAQ-QLGv08oqHDxPs0ePpzM8HF5b1hxwf1Z08iAFPgbecHHGwPFdXhq0vIMqLUlruJZnaTUHW8Q-MZvbWSw9XXNdLodS1_1Np/w400-h225/crimes-of-the-future_1.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">After watching 160 movies from 2022, I can confidently say it's been the best year for movies since 2021. There were probably fifty movies released that I wouldn't be mad to see in a top ten list—and while this is partially due to there only being a handful of clear standouts—sometimes it's good enough to be mildly amused relatively often. With that said, while I'm clearly the ultimate authority for cinematic quality, make sure you don't believe everything you read on the Internet. Every movie in existence now gets an 80% or greater on Rotten Tomatoes except for <i>Don't Worry Darling</i> (okay, they got one right), and I'm really sick of getting tricked into watching dull movies about abortion, historical figures, or spiraling alcoholics who won the lottery once. This was at least the year I put my foot down and refused to watch the Gaspar Noe film, so you might say I'm on the path to making better choices.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">But wait, this is supposed to be a "best of" list, not an airing of grievances. I watch the trash so you don't have to. If you're a fan of donkeys, cannibalism, or locking people up in your basement; it was a great year for cinema. Do you love films with naked elderly people? It was a great year for you too. How do you feel about mediocre horror films? Because there were a lot. There are always a lot; maybe that's not the best example. Okay, enough about your kinks. Let's talk about mine.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><span><a name='more'></a></span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Movies Your Dad Will Like</span></b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; font-weight: bold; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjk181iB6BQKVz9qci1FH1FTGavypUI_tPDjfXm4oIAJfHlNxvI0rCBI5COZ8fpGYF81ReSKytrgV8X6Y6RjB808nel0W4cNMi1tpN0-pqNlwyl0Qtebg8JqQNpplZMzMuFIdF_nTZXP_yofGO2ateZWiqLkx1MUDOnyxNaPoa2oC9Fi_LpQJwsntPE/s932/bullettrain.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="582" data-original-width="932" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjk181iB6BQKVz9qci1FH1FTGavypUI_tPDjfXm4oIAJfHlNxvI0rCBI5COZ8fpGYF81ReSKytrgV8X6Y6RjB808nel0W4cNMi1tpN0-pqNlwyl0Qtebg8JqQNpplZMzMuFIdF_nTZXP_yofGO2ateZWiqLkx1MUDOnyxNaPoa2oC9Fi_LpQJwsntPE/s320/bullettrain.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div>I haven't been the theater since <i>Parasite</i>, so when <i>Top Gun</i> came out, I had to listen to everyone's dad tell me about how good it was for months before I saw it. And you know what? It was good. It was a non-Marvel Hollywood blockbuster that was entertaining and well-written. Sure, I forgot the entire thing once it ended, but I was entertained for two hours. Can we get some more of that? The screenshot for this section is from another movie your dad will love: <i>Bullet Train</i>. Brad Pitt always catches the eye, and I'm sure you didn't need another reminder that <i>Top Gun</i> exists. You probably already watched <i>Bullet Train</i> because it was free on Netflix (unless you're in Canada and got kicked off your mom's plan), but dads are busy people so some of them may have missed it. It's a silly, entertaining action/comedy and it only has a 54% on Rotten Tomatoes because no one has an abortion. Last on the dad list, Adam Sandler movies may sometimes be called <i>Grown Ups,</i> but are rarely for them; and <i>Hustle </i>is one of those exceptions. Dads love basketball, and since it's scary to bond with your dad emotionally, you could always watch this movie about a basketball scout instead. It has <i>Moneyball</i> and <i>Rocky</i> vibes. Dads love that stuff. Who knows? If you keep recommending good movies to your dad, maybe he'll be proud of you one day.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>15. Wyrm </b></span><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbQChPl5wWgVyYzNje07io7jEG7lL2M_8tNfvgXJ4o9ERLZS9QQakb4CNpciCcc4jTzAdc-y00ME4PjVOFz9N_6cUsDKqPMSkKrHUykIqjeWKyEi06QYD6Yv0SLsOWL6uzTu5rXMyjBEr6hOOkKTbo5iicJComBhdiDdmGtF7a66lRXbd0NCF7f0Jk/s1500/wyrm.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1071" data-original-width="1500" height="285" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbQChPl5wWgVyYzNje07io7jEG7lL2M_8tNfvgXJ4o9ERLZS9QQakb4CNpciCcc4jTzAdc-y00ME4PjVOFz9N_6cUsDKqPMSkKrHUykIqjeWKyEi06QYD6Yv0SLsOWL6uzTu5rXMyjBEr6hOOkKTbo5iicJComBhdiDdmGtF7a66lRXbd0NCF7f0Jk/w400-h285/wyrm.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><i><br />Wyrm </i>slides into the fifteen spot on this list because for the first forty-five minutes it's the funniest movie of the year, and even though the next forty-five minutes try too hard to be serious, it has enough delightful weirdness to earn a mention. <i>Wyrm </i>is what happens when you watched too much <i>Napoleon Dynamite </i>and then transplant those characters into a universe where everyone is required to wear an electronic collar until they pass their level one sexuality requirement—most commonly, kissing. Wyrm is our awkward main character who is the last in his class to achieve this pivotal moment, and is thus at risk of becoming lonely. And lonely people—especially lonely boys—are dangerous. There's an awkward Uncle, they eat nachos for every meal, and multiple characters perform dance routines. Seriously, it's <i>Napoleon Dynamite.</i> If you don't like stupid yet brilliant deadpan humor, don't watch this movie. For everyone else, watch at least the first forty-five minutes and you can turn it off after if you want. See if I care. It's currently on Hulu.<div><br /></div><div><div style="text-align: center;"><b style="font-size: large;">14. The Innocents</b></div><span style="font-size: medium;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh00x_z-6oZZsIgoYFwVCHH9N9Wd5WMfboO450_Uc1ZKQz-Gd4CHXlnt9gsU6lb76nS95rjqXx9N209c3OUKsN2iB19v-bt-W5kOc6YYnDIGEUmf2MMaz4hcvr1Z6hFHgVJFQkrePTnN2yCMzoA6lORu5xKpbMeCpFXMqgpEWhuokdzb6kADoFVOwpz/s2560/innocents2.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1440" data-original-width="2560" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh00x_z-6oZZsIgoYFwVCHH9N9Wd5WMfboO450_Uc1ZKQz-Gd4CHXlnt9gsU6lb76nS95rjqXx9N209c3OUKsN2iB19v-bt-W5kOc6YYnDIGEUmf2MMaz4hcvr1Z6hFHgVJFQkrePTnN2yCMzoA6lORu5xKpbMeCpFXMqgpEWhuokdzb6kADoFVOwpz/w400-h225/innocents2.jpeg" width="400" /></a></div></span><br />As someone who didn't love <i>Petite Maman </i>(the most anticipated film about children playing outside this year), I didn't expect another in the genre to be one of my favorites of 2022, but <i>The Innocents</i> is a pretty solid film about kids playing outside—and developing superpowers. Don't be confused. This isn't <i>Sky High</i> or <i>Shazam. The Innocents</i> is a slow drama about how terrible kids are and why you should avoid having them at all costs. These kids happen to have mild telekinetic powers and spend their afternoons practicing them. Unfortunately, when you practice something, you tend to get better at it; and if you've ever met a child, you'd know that they really don't have the emotional capacity to not murder people with their superpowers. Of course, just like in real life before the Internet, none of the parents know what their kids are up to; so if one of our characters goes rogue, playground justice is the only answer. <i>The Innocents </i>is on Shudder if anyone has that and AMC+.</div><div><br /></div><div><div style="text-align: center;"><b style="font-size: large;">13. Barbarian</b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPdTE2esomNeJqpWf0vChd4XVzMuqJekJqiIi1IoB61Ww0ZlPPJDW2z3qZHHODuGfpaZbr4YOlP9wsKPG5FuR0WOqoAesFMB2_9Es5TtUdn28R4oIactgkfT50crenPhKK-MQgKJnuMlzKePbVT-R_1ra7VkmVzPpYeobqTkgdqb2N8p10ABQ-GQAP/s1000/barbarian.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="1000" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPdTE2esomNeJqpWf0vChd4XVzMuqJekJqiIi1IoB61Ww0ZlPPJDW2z3qZHHODuGfpaZbr4YOlP9wsKPG5FuR0WOqoAesFMB2_9Es5TtUdn28R4oIactgkfT50crenPhKK-MQgKJnuMlzKePbVT-R_1ra7VkmVzPpYeobqTkgdqb2N8p10ABQ-GQAP/w400-h240/barbarian.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />Airbnb's are a scam. Especially when you show up to your rental in a totally safe part of Detroit and there is someone already staying there. Sure, he claims he booked the Airbnb too, and the booking company must have make a mistake, but his character is played by Bill Skarsgard, so he might be a murderer. Guaranteed to go in a completely different direction than the other two 2022 movies about accidentally booking the same Airbnb as someone else, <i>Barbarian</i> is a horror movie about how some men are scary, and some men are too stupid to get scared, and sometimes the scariest men are the ones you're not scared of. You'll understand what I mean, just watch the damn thing. It's much better than watching <i>Men</i>, I promise. Also, Justin Long shows up to generate some great square footage jokes. Honestly, the square footage jokes might be the reason <i>Barbarian</i> is on this list. Currently on HBO Max.</div><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>12. Broker</b></span></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGxDWXj3FvinkiAehQL86pCQ8m2WhQ0c0l2mHllYlJgpVoQvmA7cWxj-F6wHQGaoAYzaaOHjdTy2z0QGwUjZ-igVTMjtWwwHs61znWWF_X4YIOGF2-3uutiSB7-4l8yUDCFWmyxTcxBNYZydRFD7QVqP4IjS3U8M9WDwrS23Oh2wwCVRxWOsWpBCMl/s912/broker.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="513" data-original-width="912" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGxDWXj3FvinkiAehQL86pCQ8m2WhQ0c0l2mHllYlJgpVoQvmA7cWxj-F6wHQGaoAYzaaOHjdTy2z0QGwUjZ-igVTMjtWwwHs61znWWF_X4YIOGF2-3uutiSB7-4l8yUDCFWmyxTcxBNYZydRFD7QVqP4IjS3U8M9WDwrS23Oh2wwCVRxWOsWpBCMl/w400-h225/broker.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />The most responsible financial decision you can make with a child is to sell it to someone else, and in <i>Broker</i>, that's exactly what our ragtag group of characters sets out to do. When a baby is abandoned at an anonymous Baby Drop, two employees pick him up and attempt to sell him on the baby black market. They don't want the baby to end up in an orphanage, and it's always nice to turn a tidy profit while finding him a nice home. The baby's mother discovers what they're up to, and comes along for the ride. Unbeknownst to our heroes, they are also being followed by the police (it turns out human trafficking is a crime). From the director who brought you <i>Shoplifters—</i>which is probably the greatest movie about random people becoming a family of all time—comes the second greatest movie about random people becoming a family of all time. Okay, it's not for sure second, but I'm not actively tracking the genre. It's a drama about being lonely and alienated. Maybe it will make you feel something. Maybe it will make you feel angry because it's not available on any streaming services except as a paid rental.</div><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>11. The Menu</b></span><b style="font-size: large;"><br /></b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaw7pi_Qem2LNmmJEjSeX-7ntRi0XbH4iH4R3bb7KESvEMpjbqlWS2iMtEMaKKP0jzjTm1iqqSLPusGb0IY-mpziFXWoL63wG4ZbjLaWLNSbT4j9CpBHADKScTdXqgYkMH8Xh4T8RT8tZfWIdIDIMyEvXgoRjF-I1iUkuFkD_bobG6lryeY9E091bo/s1024/themenu.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="683" data-original-width="1024" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaw7pi_Qem2LNmmJEjSeX-7ntRi0XbH4iH4R3bb7KESvEMpjbqlWS2iMtEMaKKP0jzjTm1iqqSLPusGb0IY-mpziFXWoL63wG4ZbjLaWLNSbT4j9CpBHADKScTdXqgYkMH8Xh4T8RT8tZfWIdIDIMyEvXgoRjF-I1iUkuFkD_bobG6lryeY9E091bo/w400-h266/themenu.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />It was a great year for sharing awkward meals with questionable company. It was also a great year for satirizing the rich, because if you can't beat em, you might as well watch movies where they get taken down. <i>The Menu</i> is the dramatic version of <i>Waiting</i>, in which the staff finally get so fed up with their terrible customers that they start mocking them, belittling them, and—heaven forbid—refusing to give them bread. And probably worse, but you'll have to watch it to find out. <i>The Menu</i> takes place in a high end restaurant that serves stupid food that only rich morons would pay to eat at. Nicholas Hoult is the stupidest, most enthusiastic moron of them all, and his date (Anya Taylor Joy) is the only patron of the restaurant who realizes how stupid the food is. Ralph Fiennes, who is probably a sadistic monster in real life, plays the sadistic chef who is sick of everyone's bullshit, and finally ready to let them know. <i>The Menu </i>is as much a comedy as it is a thriller, and it features the second best cheeseburger of the year. <i>The Menu</i> is available on HBO Max.<div><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>10. Fresh</b></span></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbQSiGgKPFO-ByLQrPcdH1RNY2qD6DCdYsHvebEgo3kWs-APjiolbvAa10fFiScKAu92giYu_jDxfhNBDUdi2iateYV0a1RUimUbHPt5q2hOBsYM2_0ZPKVpxCigg1xn7Q5_4sZwsi5ULUhP1g016NILmWnrpmbMLWSugDyFhAxRN2djp5C0tQp2OK/s960/fresh2.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="540" data-original-width="960" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbQSiGgKPFO-ByLQrPcdH1RNY2qD6DCdYsHvebEgo3kWs-APjiolbvAa10fFiScKAu92giYu_jDxfhNBDUdi2iateYV0a1RUimUbHPt5q2hOBsYM2_0ZPKVpxCigg1xn7Q5_4sZwsi5ULUhP1g016NILmWnrpmbMLWSugDyFhAxRN2djp5C0tQp2OK/w400-h225/fresh2.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />2022 was not a great year for romantic comedies. To be fair, <i>Fire Island</i> did serve up a deliciously gay version of <i>Pride and Prejudice</i>; but <i>Bros</i> was kind of a sausage fest, <i>Rosaline </i>was a flash in the pan, and <i>Meat Cute</i> was terrible. Maybe a few had some meat on their bones, but with very few exceptions, the romances weren't fleshed out. Thank God for <i>Fresh</i>, which is definitely a romantic comedy and is SO surprisingly romantic that you shouldn't watch the trailer or look at its thumbnail on Letterboxd. <i>Fresh</i> is the story of Noa, a young woman who is sick of Tinder users treating her like a piece of meat, and is astonished when she spontaneously meets the charming Steve while shopping for vegetables (Steve doesn't eat animals, so this is a great movie for vegans). Steve is a definitely a catch, and he whisks Noa away on a weekend getaway. They spend the evening at Steve's luxurious home, where Noa realizes that Steve really brings home the bacon. I don't want to spoil anything, but Noa is treated to romantic dinners, long talks in the basement, and she begins to feel that Steve truly sees her as more than a piece of ass. Please note that you should not watch <i>Fresh</i> if you have trigger warnings for nudity, gore, exceptionally romantic men, female directors, or human abduction. Your appetite for <i>Fresh </i>can be sated on Hulu.</div><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>9. I Want You Back</b></span></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNUESaKGgJOqHV02npB66JoNAOrxHGMMTqy_YrAto1-VRVDcC7d3jxEVBKMtoEPk8SkWnxxSGFNfjRZA8iJ7VSPY6UcTogrDj3n4EJOcu_8Kx5rSr4CbLSHfm4up74MBNEkOO0FqC1X6IB3klzFqVOTMiUWCvKY0_p8NFX-xwsreV0rlXUtZGDttkD/s850/iwantyouback.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="478" data-original-width="850" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNUESaKGgJOqHV02npB66JoNAOrxHGMMTqy_YrAto1-VRVDcC7d3jxEVBKMtoEPk8SkWnxxSGFNfjRZA8iJ7VSPY6UcTogrDj3n4EJOcu_8Kx5rSr4CbLSHfm4up74MBNEkOO0FqC1X6IB3klzFqVOTMiUWCvKY0_p8NFX-xwsreV0rlXUtZGDttkD/w400-h225/iwantyouback.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />Okay. I take it back. There was one good romantic comedy in 2022, but I really didn't want to spoil anything in the last entry. Sure, it's not as romantic as meeting a cute boy and consuming human meat with him (I'm clearly talking about <i>Bones and All</i>, and nothing else), but the point here is the comedy. Charlie Day and Jenny Slate team up to convince each other's exes into breaking up with their new significant others in hopes that they will come crawling back to them. It's a simple premise that rides on the talent of the two leads and better than expected writing. Sure, Charlie Day leaps from a balcony into a hot tub and Jenny Slate fills in for a children's musical, but they also develop passable relationships with each other's exes and have earnest conversations about relationships and self-analysis. Nothing life changing here, but it's refreshing to get strong comedy and genuine moments instead of stolen Reddit jokes and Hallmark moments written by the Netflix AI. Okay, maybe it ends with a Hallmark moment but at least it was a payoff to an earlier setup. <i>I Want You Back</i> is on Amazon Prime.</div><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>8. Some Like It Rare</b></span></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiX5B7iw6FUT2Az-oludI8A7GyWDD3MUCh2J8_fGtrQCdjFhUeFHno79Y2NGyZc0B_sMyYuECkgqdLRTRCYfgkxnvL8-hMV5lBWj8CpxJiRn27KV8MsSaSJPsyEfKh-sZ7IYoP6Ld5Wi-iqe_YztoG-5rdykHjM4y2eJMIlZbqWqxmc1KnXjvO4lW1T/s1000/somelikeitrare.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="574" data-original-width="1000" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiX5B7iw6FUT2Az-oludI8A7GyWDD3MUCh2J8_fGtrQCdjFhUeFHno79Y2NGyZc0B_sMyYuECkgqdLRTRCYfgkxnvL8-hMV5lBWj8CpxJiRn27KV8MsSaSJPsyEfKh-sZ7IYoP6Ld5Wi-iqe_YztoG-5rdykHjM4y2eJMIlZbqWqxmc1KnXjvO4lW1T/w400-h230/somelikeitrare.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />Say what you will about 2022, but it was a great year for cannibalism. <i>Some Like it Rare </i>is about a struggling butcher and his wife who accidentally kill a vegan and discover he is delicious. This may absolutely, without question, be the only film on this list about killing humans to sell their meat, but it's a great premise and a great business plan. I do recommend if you ever turn a human being into a delicious ham in order to dispose of the body, that you at least let your wife know so that she doesn't accidentally eat some and also sell it to the townsfolk. Because once the townsfolk try it, they want to buy more. But where do you find vegans to murder for their meat? Is there an app for that? Our couple begins scouring vegan restaurants, vegan food festivals, and taking political action on rival butcher shops in order to find vegans to hunt. They kill a lot of vegans. They really start to enjoy it. I also really enjoyed it. Murdering people for their meat can be really funny.</div><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>7. The Banshees of Inisherin</b></span></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtNvyjw_5lzk2XZv7fG9LpIbNgvCmXCApWwldNqlKf4-Z2_qCR9DBF1nQB6hxH6w2wiXaCkVesL1XOd5jh4gmw3jj30N3c6-DHtrGcDc-D8aAfmfYHK5qBcDpLs6baSHMYLDiFjt5kqM_A4sIFP0nQgV2KFhktOifU1HLPLjNzYaZ1-p5uq88x3-n4/s664/banshees2.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="464" data-original-width="664" height="280" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtNvyjw_5lzk2XZv7fG9LpIbNgvCmXCApWwldNqlKf4-Z2_qCR9DBF1nQB6hxH6w2wiXaCkVesL1XOd5jh4gmw3jj30N3c6-DHtrGcDc-D8aAfmfYHK5qBcDpLs6baSHMYLDiFjt5kqM_A4sIFP0nQgV2KFhktOifU1HLPLjNzYaZ1-p5uq88x3-n4/w400-h280/banshees2.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />There were a record number of donkeys on film this year, and <i>The Banshees of Inisherin</i> has the best donkey. It also has a few jackasses. Colin Farrell lives on a small Irish island and visits his friend Brendan Gleeson for their daily visit to the pub. Unfortunately, Brendan Gleeson has decided that he no longer wants to be friends with Colin Farrell because it's important that he writes a song before he dies and Colin Farrell spends too much time talking about donkeys. It's a really annoying premise because Brendan Gleeson is being a dick and Colin Farrell is just a nice guy who wants his friend back. But it's really good anyway because it's written by Martin McDonagh, the man who figured out how to make billboards interesting. Since Colin Farrell got dumped by Brendan Gleeson, he starts hanging out with Barry Keoghan, who provides fun comments about sticks with hooks on the end and flirts with Farrell's sister. Anyway, if you want to be entertained by biting Irish dialogue and dudes who don't realize drinking beer with your friends is the only thing there is to do in life, you can find it on HBO Max.</div><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>6. Triangle of Sadness</b></span></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpMWq01h8OZZD_oG60Y3SdYNIZfOfXGGhCTUjgUvFjW9HdEEJAeHNRqJnytp4B-DX_N6ZEmUv3n1K_FQcYS0QEAnLa9tDqLvMVTLCzwm5pgeH6mMrLmv2NbgZJuyjs10_G6TkWu4ofxIt9mJbuyp39VvozetBbKEIXEx4F3XZK0t-SAgjpZdOa13Ga/s700/trianglesadness.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="700" height="229" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpMWq01h8OZZD_oG60Y3SdYNIZfOfXGGhCTUjgUvFjW9HdEEJAeHNRqJnytp4B-DX_N6ZEmUv3n1K_FQcYS0QEAnLa9tDqLvMVTLCzwm5pgeH6mMrLmv2NbgZJuyjs10_G6TkWu4ofxIt9mJbuyp39VvozetBbKEIXEx4F3XZK0t-SAgjpZdOa13Ga/w400-h229/trianglesadness.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><i><br />The Menu </i>probably had a more delicious cheeseburger, but the cheeseburger in <i>Triangle of Sadness </i>has better comedic timing. I was not expecting a Ruben Ostlund movie to be one of the only 150 minute movies I didn't find too long in 2022, but something about Woody Harrelson and a Russian fertilizer kingpin shouting Marx and Reagan quotes over the PA while everyone else on a luxury yacht has food poisoning really hit me in the right spot. <i>Triangle </i>is split into three segments: the first introducing us to a couple who argue about gender roles and the nature of their relationship; the second following the couple and a broader cast of characters on a high class yacht filled with rich, idiotic passengers; and the third taking place on an island where some of our characters end up after the yacht is hijacked. Don't shout about spoilers, this isn't a narrative in the conventional sense. If you want a narrative, just watch <i>The Menu</i> instead. This is probably the film on this list you're most likely to hate, but watching rich people be awful and the upending of class dynamics in the last act worked for me. Your mileage may vary. <i>Triangle of Sadness</i> is also only available as a paid rental, and I'm starting to think you should cancel all your services except for HBO Max.</div><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>5. Vengeance</b></span></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxJ3nRymdv_m0nQ6mbUo5bjtROl0iDVWJatMj-C9oP882TAdoqyg6RBXj-NWvzSwrsvizyGzdbqFLIKi4DpMZu9P-UMPsMvun8yJw8OjyAnSmdxG2F6lOCT6lIQiRjDvI5LN3edV4cHVr9j6sknVF-fCeiECDQObXXm-LETmt77K-w5zftHC29mVoH/s800/vengeance.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="533" data-original-width="800" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxJ3nRymdv_m0nQ6mbUo5bjtROl0iDVWJatMj-C9oP882TAdoqyg6RBXj-NWvzSwrsvizyGzdbqFLIKi4DpMZu9P-UMPsMvun8yJw8OjyAnSmdxG2F6lOCT6lIQiRjDvI5LN3edV4cHVr9j6sknVF-fCeiECDQObXXm-LETmt77K-w5zftHC29mVoH/w400-h266/vengeance.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />Every year is a great year for white dudes to start a podcast and, in <i>Vengeance,</i> BJ Novak is creating a podcast investigating the death of a woman he used to hook up with. He flies to a small Texas town to interview her family who believes she was murdered. He's a know-it-all New Yorker who assumes the small-town Texans are morons, but he's never had Whataburger, so what can he possibly know? Ashton Kutcher shows up as a cowboy philosopher working as a record producer—perfect for a white dude's podcast—and is just one of many characters who challenges Novak's perception of small town Texas. Sure, there are the plenty of references to guns and football, but Ben slowly realizes that the other characters are much more than the caricatures he thought they were. If you're hoping for a satisfying true crime mystery story, you're better off with an actual podcast, but if you enjoy smart comedy with passable commentary on American culture, <i>Vengeance</i> is available on Amazon Prime.</div><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>4. RRR</b></span></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEjmQ-BSPHs0p0zuhnK44P94h4B_clXBuuVauID1HHhjb08KLyaZHG9Las0qsWyOp2TOcocOGgsam0WhQ4Tx0xwzKRPpH4ZVaoxIE0K3WXD3HunbYahdfsAfAcTwqidl-xjles5Ut4Lu7jRrLFnonpN6a0e1YeDpEiIaFO0qKnpgdre8M5AtilvjSD/s1200/RRR.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1200" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEjmQ-BSPHs0p0zuhnK44P94h4B_clXBuuVauID1HHhjb08KLyaZHG9Las0qsWyOp2TOcocOGgsam0WhQ4Tx0xwzKRPpH4ZVaoxIE0K3WXD3HunbYahdfsAfAcTwqidl-xjles5Ut4Lu7jRrLFnonpN6a0e1YeDpEiIaFO0qKnpgdre8M5AtilvjSD/w400-h240/RRR.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />Would you like to feel pure joy? Because <i>RRR</i> is pure joy. It is also most genres of film at the same time. It is also three hours long and you won't be bored for a moment. Everything that happens is done to the maximum: whether it be fighting a tiger, single-handedly battling an unruly mob of hundreds, or meeting your new best friend by tethering yourselves together and jumping off a bridge to save a child from certain death. Those are three of infinite action scenes; and there are also bromance montages, a budding romance, extended torture, a splendid dance number, and epic escapes. It's all extremely over-the-top, but in the best of ways. Most importantly—it is so much fun. I know you all hate subtitles, but I'll allow a dub in this case if you insist. Just watch this movie. After all<i>, RRR </i>is the only reason to still have a Netflix account.</div><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>3. Weird: The Al Yankovic Story</b></span></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBtX7hnhzNTGnvxK2iFp_owxuNm0ZkBAN0nj9S1VKrncPYrT9uis-FLimYThfZPn496PPrCOH_KaYEgGXJsaZGR28_VWI8kYyERSNJhkBJKtc6PRVuX6KJkx8qgA5MCYhYUsR3qcjX7yBXxWxVaGNm6Ft66sfIbMMazw0j5kR5WLCKjeUncU8r-7W0/s1600/weird.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBtX7hnhzNTGnvxK2iFp_owxuNm0ZkBAN0nj9S1VKrncPYrT9uis-FLimYThfZPn496PPrCOH_KaYEgGXJsaZGR28_VWI8kYyERSNJhkBJKtc6PRVuX6KJkx8qgA5MCYhYUsR3qcjX7yBXxWxVaGNm6Ft66sfIbMMazw0j5kR5WLCKjeUncU8r-7W0/w400-h266/weird.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />If I were ever going to enthusiastically watch another biopic in my life, a Weird Al biopic would be one of the better choices. Even better, it takes less than ten minutes to realize—in perfect Weird Al fashion—that <i>Weird</i> is a complete parody of actual events. The film follows Weird Al as he follows his dream of writing words to other people's songs and becomes the most famous musician in the world. With his newfound fame comes bigger and bigger pressures. Pablo Escobar wants Al to play his birthday party. He starts dating Madonna who is a bad influence (with alcohol, not plastic surgery). He writes an original song called "Eat it" and that washed up hack from the Jackson Five writes a parody of it. Certainly, <i>Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story</i> is still the pinnacle of music biopic parodies, and <i>Weird</i> tackles a lot of the same tropes; but the fictional accounts of actual people and events is enough to set it apart. I assume it's funny even if you don't know who Weird Al is, but I'm old now so I can't be sure. <i>Weird</i> is available on the Roku Channel—which is apparently free with ads.</div><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>2. Everything Everywhere All At Once</b></span></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZMFf3wU0jk_sCXoljsaUH_V4DPF-wGXtY7ofqL8QBofEy85MaeHbDsBhkT_pbqRcJ08dswFyZFKEy8cwFlI7STpKvXESnCoej3VTkf88XylOIShnD70dpP4Xr5bG9zXBp2LDkVTTf1iAq4Je-U4NNaPWri71Xw06IZubQqzY3OU8tb36Ils_f0zYG/s1200/everythingeverywhere.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="1200" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZMFf3wU0jk_sCXoljsaUH_V4DPF-wGXtY7ofqL8QBofEy85MaeHbDsBhkT_pbqRcJ08dswFyZFKEy8cwFlI7STpKvXESnCoej3VTkf88XylOIShnD70dpP4Xr5bG9zXBp2LDkVTTf1iAq4Je-U4NNaPWri71Xw06IZubQqzY3OU8tb36Ils_f0zYG/w400-h266/everythingeverywhere.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />When you watch a billion movies per year, there are always long stretches where you see so many duds that you start to wonder if you even like movies anymore. Then you watch something like <i>Everything Everywhere All At Once</i>, feel surprised for the first time in years, and remember that most movies are just trash. I'm sure for most people (and all dads), that "I-love-movies-again" movie was <i>Top Gun, </i>but every time someone told me how good <i>Top Gun </i>was, all I could do was ask, "Have you seen <i>Everything Everywhere All At Once</i> though?" They hadn't. But I bet most dads would like it. You will like it. It's about Michelle Yeoh, a laundromat owner, who is in the middle of a tax audit when her husband's body is taken over by a visitor from an alternate reality. He teaches her to borrow skills from the Michelle Yeoh's in other universes who—because they made slightly different choices in life—know karate, have increased lung capacity, or have hot dogs for fingers. All of these skills will assist her in defeating the all-powerful evil who is trying to destroy the multiverse. The result is an action comedy better than all 31 Marvel movies, which is especially relevant as it came out around the same time as that terrible <i>Dr. Strange</i> multiverse sequel. If you're not excited about hot dog fingers, I don't know what else to tell you. Go watch <i>Tar </i>or something. You can stream <i>Everything Everywhere All At Once</i> on Showtime.</div><div><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>1. Decision To Leave</b></span></span></div><div><span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzebTa7NApXnGf_a3YkLCjdW8RyvtdeFvXxvOBIdYMkk0f4LKkn1wN-_MR1bDYeVp2FPHFD7RuNJS8nxY9TyZnnlGvElnYAjwrPKtCtYEJu5aRplBmCGCAh493eaXsCjWaACSJDErLV3rpFj4a5Hpx0AlsEaB9D7fFymTSapFLG13JSprMl-eoVTHk/s1600/decisiontoleave.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzebTa7NApXnGf_a3YkLCjdW8RyvtdeFvXxvOBIdYMkk0f4LKkn1wN-_MR1bDYeVp2FPHFD7RuNJS8nxY9TyZnnlGvElnYAjwrPKtCtYEJu5aRplBmCGCAh493eaXsCjWaACSJDErLV3rpFj4a5Hpx0AlsEaB9D7fFymTSapFLG13JSprMl-eoVTHk/w400-h225/decisiontoleave.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />I would like to go on record stating that it is impossible to compare <i>Decision to Leave</i> and <i>Everything Everywhere All At Once</i> in any objective way, and you should just accept that they are polar opposites and the only 2022 films that actually matter. With that said, 2022 was a great year to potentially murder your significant other, and Chan-Wook Park decided to run with that and make the most romantic movie of the year. The movie opens with a detective investigating the death of a man who appears to have fallen while rock climbing. The detective suspects foul play and begins investigating the man's wife; watching her regularly on stakeouts as if that will somehow help him solve the murder. It does allow him to develop a crush on her because men are perverts. There's a lot of lingering gazes and a murder mystery. Think <i>Portrait of a Lady on Fire </i>mixed with <i>Vertigo.</i> We could call it <i>Surveillance Photos of a Lady Eating Ice Cream. </i>My biggest criticism is that it's not <i>Oldboy</i> or <i>The Handmaiden</i>, but we can't count on every Chan-Wook Park film to be a masterpiece. Almost masterpiece is going to have to be good enough this year. You can rent <i>Decision to Leave </i>for money or stream it on Mubi—whatever that is.</span></div><div><span><br /></span></div><div><span><br /></span></div><div><span>Final streaming tally:</span></div><div><span>HBO Max: 3</span></div><div><span>Paid Rental Only: 3</span></div><div><span>Hulu: 2</span></div><div><span>Showtime: 1</span></div><div><span>Mubi: 1</span></div><div><span>Roku Channel: 1</span></div><div><span>Netflix: 1<br />Amazon Prime: 1</span></div><div><span>Shudder/AMC+: 1</span></div><div><span><br /><span>I think it's time to go back to cable.<br /></span></span><b style="font-size: large;"><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><b style="font-size: x-large;"><u>Everything Else All At Once:</u></b></div></b></div><div><span><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>FEEL FREE TO REPLACE FIFTEEN WITH ANY OF THESE:</b></span></span></div><div><span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span><span id="docs-internal-guid-02662705-7fff-ab74-2d13-cf055df2e178"><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The Worst Person in the World - </b>Norwegian <i>Fleabag </i>without any character development.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Official Competition - </b>This is somehow not a Pedro Almodovar film.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The Black Phone - </b>Ethan Hawke tries to reenact a twisted version of <i>Boyhood.</i></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Bones and All - </b>Armie Hammer told Timothee Chalamet about cannibalism and he had to try it.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The Whale - </b>Alright Aronofsky. You get fat by eating like a madman. We get it.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The Fabelmans - </b>Michelle Williams likes a man other than her husband again.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b style="font-size: 14.6667px;">Armageddon Time - </b><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">It's <i>The Fabelmans</i> if it was about doing hood rat things with your friends instead of filmmaking.</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Fabian: Going to the Dogs - </b>A three hour romantic drama that I really liked but can't remember why.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Bullet Train - </b>Everyone On A Train All At Once</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Emily the Criminal - </b>At this point I think Gen Z has to go black market to have a career.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Good Luck to You, Leo Grande - </b>Emma Thompson hires a hooker to get back at Alan Rickman for doing her dirty in <i>Love Actually.</i></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Top Gun: Maverick - </b>One thousand times better than we all expected.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Hustle - </b>Adam Sandler teaches Flash Forward what a good basketball player looks like.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Mona Lisa and the Blood Moon - </b>Kate Hudson really channeled the trashy in 2022.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Causeway - </b>I assumed this was Oscar bait, but it's one of the year's best dramas.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Brian and Charles - </b>A lonely man builds a robot and they become friends and eat cabbages.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Nude Tuesday - </b>Jermaine Clement and some other folks get naked and speak gibberish.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The Northman - </b>Pretty sure this is a <i>True Blood</i> prequel.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Cha Cha Real Smooth - </b>A female version of Leonardo DiCaprio grooms a 22-year-old boy.</span></p><div><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div></span></span><b style="font-size: large;"><br /></b><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>THE GOOD:</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span id="docs-internal-guid-81d60489-7fff-60c3-f9b5-c614cbeb8cf8"><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Delicious - </b>A chef starts the first restaurant and throws shade at the rich folk. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>She Said - </b>Did you guys know that Harvey Weinstein was a bad dude?</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b style="font-size: 14.6667px;">Nope - </b><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">They say "Nope" a lot. That's the best part of the film. There's a monkey for some reason.</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b style="font-size: 14.6667px;">Glass Onion - </b><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">Was <i>Knives Out </i>as silly as this and I'm just misremembering?</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Athena - </b>This is the Antifa the Republicans are afraid of.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Fire Island - </b>Worth it for the karaoke scene.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Confess, Fletch - </b>John Hamm should be in only comedies.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The Sadness - </b>Bloody zombie movies are usually fun.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>You Won’t Be Alone - </b>All whispery voiceover movies remind me of Terrence Malick.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent - </b>Nicolas Cage kisses Nicolas Cage.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Smile - </b>I must be broken because I liked this more than <i>X </i>and <i>Pearl.</i></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The Lost City - </b>I will watch anything with Channing Tatum in it.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>All Quiet On the Western Front - </b>Some stuff blows up. War is bad. Soldiers steal snacks.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Mrs. Harris Goes to Paris - </b>A lady buys a dress and it's an adventure I guess.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Prey - </b>The metaphorical version of <i>She Said</i>.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Kimi - </b>A decent Soderbergh thriller than no one saw.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The Batman - </b>The Patman.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Orphan: First Kill - </b>This was also a good horror movie somehow.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>White Noise - </b>This was one of my favorites of the year for about thirty minutes.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Matilda The Musical - </b>Kids sing songs and fight teachers.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Jerry and Marge Go Large - </b>Brian Cranston takes his <i>Breaking Bad</i> money and doubles down.</span></p><div><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div></span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>THE DECENT:</b></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span id="docs-internal-guid-bbb7513c-7fff-b90f-a147-3e6c5453665e"><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Petite Maman - </b>A little girl meets the little girl version of her mom and they build a fort.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Resurrection - </b>The art house version of <i>Watcher.</i></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b style="font-size: 14.6667px;">Watcher - </b><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">The general public version of <i>Resurrection.</i></span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b style="font-size: 14.6667px;">Tar - </b><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">I liked the first act and when she threatened the child.</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Day Shift</b> - Jamie Foxx and Dave Franco fight vampires.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The Good Nurse - </b>A nurse kills people for some reason.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>7 Days - </b>A cute COVID romcom. Are we done with these yet?</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Hatching - </b>IS IT A METAPHOR?</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Pretty Problems - </b><i>Glass Onion</i> but without the <i>Knives Out </i>franchise money.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>See How They Run - </b>Sam Rockwell solves a mystery.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Dog - </b>Channing Tatum takes a dog for a road trip.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-right: 6.75pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Frank and Penelope - </b>A trashy romance/crime/cannibalism drama that I loved anyway.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Holy Spider - </b>The true horror of this movie comes after they catch the killer.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The Greatest Beer Run Ever - </b>It's like <i>All Quiet on the Western Front</i> but with beer.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Where the Crawdads Sing - </b>This is a very watchable bad movie that plenty of people will like.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The Outfit - </b>Let's give Mark Rylance an honorary award for something this year.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The Woman King - </b>The best Marvel movie of 2022.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Deep Water - </b>We need more erotic thrillers with snails.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>After Yang - </b>Colin Farrell drinks tea and attempts to fix a robot.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Hellraiser - </b>It is a horror movie you can watch if you want to watch a horror movie.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Fourth of July - </b>The only person that makes worse Woody Allen clones these days is Woody Allen.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>X - </b>Guys, it's just a slasher. I don't understand.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Pearl - </b>This is better than <i>X</i> just because Mia Goth is a creep.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Inspector Ike - </b>A stupidly dry detective comedy that seemed like something I'd like more.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Honor Society - </b>It's kind of like Gen-Z <i>Election</i>.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Next Exit - </b>The existence of an afterlife is proven so everyone kills themselves.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-right: -18pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Bros - </b>I watched this to prove that I wasn't a bigot.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-right: -18pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b style="font-size: 14.6667px;">Persuasion - </b><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">The novel purists were upset, but it's not that bad.</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Piggy - </b>A fat girl lets a serial killer kill Regina George.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Girl Picture - </b>Some girls are friends and hang out but get mad at each other or something.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Tiny Cinema - </b>A horror anthology. Some stories are good, some are bad.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>VHS 99 - </b>A horror anthology. Some stories are good, some are bad.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Terrifier 2 - </b>They tried to add a story to the <i>Terrifier</i> series, which was a bad idea.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Thor: Love and Thunder - </b>The Internet is pretending this is worse than all the other recent Marvel movies for some reason.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Black Panther: Wakanda Forever - </b>Convince me that James Cameron didn't steal the <i>Avatar </i>concept from the <i>Black Panther</i> comics.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Incredible But True - </b>Just watch every Quentin Dupieux movie to see what happens.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The Quiet Girl - </b>A girl with a shitty mom hangs out with her Aunt who is much nicer to her.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Sundown - </b>How much money do I need to retire to Mexico with Tim Roth?</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The Fallout - </b>School shootings are sad.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Elvis - </b>Everything is sad in this movie except for Austin Butler's performance.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>About Fate - </b>If you like watching straight-to-streaming romcoms written by AI's you could do worse.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Violent Night - </b>Santa Claus fights people.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Do Revenge - </b>This just seems like the type of movie Timothee Chalamet would show up in. He didn't.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Luckiest Girl Alive - </b>This starts off with <i>Gone Girl </i>vibes and then gives up on them thirty minutes in.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Christmas with the Campbells - </b>Worth watching just for Justin Long's dialogue.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Glorious - </b>Jason from <i>True Blood</i> talks to a gloryhole voiced by JK Simmons.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b style="font-size: 14.6667px;">Red Post on Escher Street - </b><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">Sono made a movie where nothing insane happened. This better not be a new trend.</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Dual - </b>How dare this movie not be great. I am so disappointed.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>I Love My Dad - </b>If this movie doesn't make you cringe painfully it's actually really good.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><br /></b></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><b style="font-size: large;">THE MEH:</b></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></b></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Rosaline - </b>Romeo's ex-girlfriend gets snarky.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b style="font-size: 14.6667px;">Meet Cute - </b><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">A terrible romcom that could have done better with its premise.</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Aftersun - </b>A father and daughter perform skin care for 100 minutes.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Benediction - </b>A gay soldier reads poems.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Corsage - </b>An Austrian Empress lounges about.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>To Leslie - </b>A drunk lady is saved by Marc Maron.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Bodies Bodies Bodies - </b>How badly do you want to see Pete Davidson dead?</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Funny Pages - </b>A high schooler draws dirty cartoons and hangs out with scumbags.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Bardo: False Chronicle of a Handful of Truths - </b>Cinematography occurs.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore - </b>Was this the second one or the third one?</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>On the Count of Three - </b>Two friends agree to kill each other at the end of the day.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Both Sides of the Blade - </b>A boring middle-aged love triangle.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Crimes of the Future - </b>Worth watching for Kristen Stewart being weird.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Something In the Dirt - </b>Two dudes smoke weed and stare at the window.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Scream - </b>Watch this if you would like to watch a </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>Scream</i> movie.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Eo - </b>A donkey wanders around and people liked it for some reason.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The School For Good and Evil - </b><i>Harry Potter </i>on a stringent budget.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Spiderhead - </b>Chris Hemsworth tests the COVID vaccine.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Lady Chatterley's Lover - </b>Some lady has a lot of sex in fields.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Baby Assassins - </b>High School girls are great assassins but bad roommates.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Flux Gourmet - </b>Uh. Farting is a major plotline in this movie.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b style="font-style: normal;">Catherine Called Birdy - </b><i>The Last of Us</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> girl doesn't want to get married.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Sharp Stick - </b>A babysitter becomes obsessed with sex and </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>The Punisher</i>.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Spin Me Round - </b>Aubrey Plaza and Allison Brie are in it. Do with that what you will.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The Invitation - </b>It's always vampires.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Halloween Ends - </b>This better be the actual end or I'm going to sue someone.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Hellbender - </b>A girl discovers she's a witch and her mom keeps her at home so she doesn't become transphobic.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The Eternal Daughter - </b>Tilda Swinton acts for Tilda Swinton, who acts back.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><span id="docs-internal-guid-0327900a-7fff-4927-6cf7-585f2c27e402"></span></b></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b style="font-style: normal;">Babylon - </b><i>Singing in the Rain</i> but with an R-rating and a lot more nonsense.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><br /></b></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: large; white-space: normal;">THE BAD:</b><b><span style="font-size: medium;">
</span></b></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></b></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Soft and Quiet - </b>Racist white ladies start a hate group.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Disenchanted - </b>No one asked for this.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Empire of Light - </b>Olivia Colman discovers racism exists.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The Gray Man - </b>Ryan Gosling must have needed a pay day.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Significant Other - </b>This took a turn that was great for fifteen minutes or so.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b style="font-style: normal;">My best Friend’s Exorcism - </b><i>Do Revenge </i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">but with exorcism.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Amsterdam - </b>A star-studded disaster. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Don’t Worry Darling - </b>The press tour was one of the best films of the year.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Women Talking - </b>I don't think this passed the Bechdel test.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Pleasure - </b>Someone should really warn people that the porn industry is not great.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Senior Year - </b>Rebel Wilson is obnoxious and in high school.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>House of Darkness - </b>Justin Long plays a douche again.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Clerks 3 - </b>The exact plot of </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>Clerks</i>, but everyone is old.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Falling For Christmas - </b>Lindsay Lohan makes a triumphant comeback.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Black Adam - </b>It's okay, DC. You tried.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Not Okay - </b>A cringy lady pretends to survive a terrorist attack for the Gram.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The Wonder - </b>A girl refuses to eat because of God.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Jurassic World Dominion - </b>DINOSAURS 6: The Search for More Money.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Till - </b>I'm sorry. When he whistles at the lady, I couldn't stop laughing and the movie was over for me.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Eating Miss Campbell - </b>A Troma film about eating people.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b style="font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal;">Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness - </b><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">I watched this and thought, "There is no way <i>Morbius </i>is worse than this."</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Morbius - </b>It was worse.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><br /></b></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b style="font-size: large;">CINEMATIC TRAVESTIES:</b></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></b></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Poker Face - </b>Russell Crowe makes all his poor friends play a high stakes poker game that they only play two hands of before he tells them that he poisoned them and then all that stops mattering because some dude breaks in to steal paintings. AKA Billionaire Panic Room.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Blonde - </b>The talking fetus was the best part.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Men - </b>If all the men are played by the same man, can you use the argument, "Not all men?"</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>We’re All Going to the World’s Fair - </b>Can someone teach me to like these one character movies where nothing happens?</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Emergency - </b>College kids make a series of stupid decisions and blame the results on racism. I've actually almost convinced myself that this was the intent of the movie and I think that makes it a better movie and the writer a white supremacist.</span></p></span></div>Dear Filmmakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16821218729910317499noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3842229596448725018.post-66230236308791035522022-03-20T23:40:00.040-04:002022-03-25T18:13:21.791-04:00The Top Ten Films of 2021.<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEisLmK5IY2I97k5qwPCMEuIbTox5Az4xFvqzPPmwET4jf__10aiaVvphpjzToqVUi21H3NeV208SHVaSg-HuDNPHxhxfy4cLFiV89x6fVwpl21IyE-2DJDJnPhy0W4BKhjwpUdhfz5ROByqztII-PXV68dh5avFwmR6KVwqg8bYEPMuYwHoCsrlF4AI=s740"><b><img border="0" data-original-height="380" data-original-width="740" height="205" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEisLmK5IY2I97k5qwPCMEuIbTox5Az4xFvqzPPmwET4jf__10aiaVvphpjzToqVUi21H3NeV208SHVaSg-HuDNPHxhxfy4cLFiV89x6fVwpl21IyE-2DJDJnPhy0W4BKhjwpUdhfz5ROByqztII-PXV68dh5avFwmR6KVwqg8bYEPMuYwHoCsrlF4AI=w400-h205" width="400" /></b></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Much to my disappointment, movies have started being released in theaters again. As I now refuse to leave my house for any reason; I convinced myself to wait until Licorice Pizza, Parallel Mothers and West Side Story were released on streaming before finalizing this list. Spoiler Alert: West Side Story was somehow the best movie of that group, but I'm still going to compare it to the time Gus Van Sant remade Psycho with Vince Vaughn. Critics don't agree with me because they're too nervous to scold legends, but 2021 was the year of big misses by big directors. Paul Thomas Anderson (Licorice Pizza), Pedro Almodovar (Parallel Mothers), and Guillermo del Toro (Nightmare Alley) should all be ashamed of their 2021 films. Joel Coen made a very pretty version of Macbeth but like...it's still Macbeth. Ridley Scott's The Last Duel was actually good, but its quality is overshadowed by my need to mock him for being angry that no one went to see his 100 million dollar medieval rape movie. Unfortunately, we didn't get a movie from Denis Villenueve this year, but he did release a pretty good two and a half hour trailer for Dune. At least we were able to rely on the never-changing Wes Anderson, who once again released the exact same movie he's been making over and over again for the last ten years.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">But as always, I found some films I liked. Maybe you'll like them too. Four and two halves of them are in English for those of you who can't read. Before we get to the top ten, let's talk about my should-have-been fan-favorite Oscar vote, and give the annual reminder that all animated movies and documentaries are good, so I didn't bother watching them.</div><span><a name='more'></a></span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b>The Greatest Bad-On-Purpose Movie - <i>Malignant</i></b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEh5Un4RAcdWorZUJBFkwNroOPqlPKhLAnAzAwt3leL2-uZDxCVZx_97wdB6YEor1G_CXQUCX4qn_4OArZj8UYymj-wD1rwH37Ot1ELbsdOXQqa6y91Qoaya1fYmNZ5vA5nkfOQs9awZ2AJ9SDbRgNfq_KzpaVIonksixb1qm8jieYMIKJODZwxuEqxN=s1507" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="792" data-original-width="1507" height="168" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEh5Un4RAcdWorZUJBFkwNroOPqlPKhLAnAzAwt3leL2-uZDxCVZx_97wdB6YEor1G_CXQUCX4qn_4OArZj8UYymj-wD1rwH37Ot1ELbsdOXQqa6y91Qoaya1fYmNZ5vA5nkfOQs9awZ2AJ9SDbRgNfq_KzpaVIonksixb1qm8jieYMIKJODZwxuEqxN=s320" width="320" /></a></div><br /></b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">I won't spoil the beautiful content, but if you haven't seen <i>Malignant </i>by now, I need to give you a little clue. This "horror" movie is clearly a joke—and it's a hilarious one—but it takes almost the whole movie to realize you're not actually watching a poorly-done version of <i>The Conjuring</i>. The bad dialogue, ridiculous scenarios, and almost every establishing shot in this movie are actually hilarious, but it's not apparent until the third act goes insane that James Wan has been playing an elaborate prank on us this whole time. It doesn't make the list because the misleading buildup prevents it from being the masterpiece it could be, but it's also the only movie that I finished and immediately texted everyone I know (this is like four people) that they needed to watch it. I almost didn't watch <i>Malignant </i>myself because I didn't feel the need to see another run-of-the-mill horror movie, but I can absolutely assure you that it is something completely different. </div></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b><u><br /></u></b></div><div style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>10. I'm Your Man</b></span></div><div style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjrGBdVk8D01ZmSKpwtnqHrCSo2uofQpHKQuudPS0WGuWu0Jb6s0EICW-gnzjaHRHQeLQcBo9oy5_yxllEjk1JjGS0JU533k7mhmXWAkkGUqpPbsPsLj74GdcukZQbUYc-uHQr0_krSpibCvlW1bNZzr783gncOJx5qjNlR4eN0q7FWye4lMtEtWic-=s2048" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1141" data-original-width="2048" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjrGBdVk8D01ZmSKpwtnqHrCSo2uofQpHKQuudPS0WGuWu0Jb6s0EICW-gnzjaHRHQeLQcBo9oy5_yxllEjk1JjGS0JU533k7mhmXWAkkGUqpPbsPsLj74GdcukZQbUYc-uHQr0_krSpibCvlW1bNZzr783gncOJx5qjNlR4eN0q7FWye4lMtEtWic-=w400-h223" width="400" /></a></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">It's 2022 and we somehow haven't developed robot husbands yet, but at least we've started making movies about them. While most of us accept that Dan Stevens is the perfect man; here he plays a robot developed to be our main character's perfect life partner—and she's not convinced. Alma is a somewhat anti-romantic workaholic who agrees to take part in the Robot Lover test program in order to fund her research. She tries to largely ignore her new robot boyfriend at first, but no one puts robot Dan Stevens in a corner; and she finds herself slowly succumbing to his charms. It's not a sweeping Nicholas Sparks romance, but it's an enjoyable romantic comedy that flirts with bigger questions about love, relationships, and whether it's ethical to bang machines. Imagine <i>Black Mirror</i> if it had more than one episode that didn't end horrifically. <i>I'm Your Man</i> is available on Hulu; and it is in German because Dan Stevens apparently speaks every language. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>9. Titane</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhG_YvUts8oEAvZm0Bb1BoISn2FSEH09_27tGVSE6njPBZCHhSbMj8ly09U73qiJgoI-SgRFf_Ef0R69n23pIrLzN2Qn6jUD5F6GpLVLKoUPkzFWaqu80aG02jN9Fp6g4hZeir5NMyJdRLErYN2BCvfOWjNr7M95dLWe8VcrC7lR8qz094G_b6OKLE_=s1108" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="831" data-original-width="1108" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhG_YvUts8oEAvZm0Bb1BoISn2FSEH09_27tGVSE6njPBZCHhSbMj8ly09U73qiJgoI-SgRFf_Ef0R69n23pIrLzN2Qn6jUD5F6GpLVLKoUPkzFWaqu80aG02jN9Fp6g4hZeir5NMyJdRLErYN2BCvfOWjNr7M95dLWe8VcrC7lR8qz094G_b6OKLE_=w400-h300" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="font-size: large; text-align: center;"></div>I didn't intentionally put two movies about having sex with machines back to back, but maybe that's a sign of the times we're living in. You may have heard of <i>Titane</i> as that crazy French movie where a murderer has sex with and is impregnated by a car; but I'm here to let you know that this is only the first fifteen minutes of the movie. <i>Titane </i>is actually a movie about a murderer who gets impregnated by a car and then pretends to be the long-lost son of a lonely firefighter. It may open with explosive weirdness, but it quickly settles into an awkward accidental-family drama fixated on grief and human connection. Don't get me wrong—it is weird the whole time—but if you accept the laws of its universe, it's pretty straight-forward. Sure Titane's body starts leaking motor oil, but at least there's not a singing lady in the radiator. If you're feeling adventurous, <i>Titane </i>is available on Hulu, your new go-to streaming platform for human/machine romances.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>8. CODA</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiTc6TTfCqkWdD7YHQh2o8rNgKOMvUAP0dpFVfu8PQdOog70NuvxcgWoxWm0tl4Vyc3Ic1mq2LCd8v5EFJnlHE5r-8JsLX8qBWhYOHDNTRspRh9jy-ODNtmSFb9u3UeRguS2p-AoN703QxBjU0rFdMP_EN8j5aeW6ARxDU49_OlGPyBKlF7wLibGn90=s740" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="380" data-original-width="740" height="205" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiTc6TTfCqkWdD7YHQh2o8rNgKOMvUAP0dpFVfu8PQdOog70NuvxcgWoxWm0tl4Vyc3Ic1mq2LCd8v5EFJnlHE5r-8JsLX8qBWhYOHDNTRspRh9jy-ODNtmSFb9u3UeRguS2p-AoN703QxBjU0rFdMP_EN8j5aeW6ARxDU49_OlGPyBKlF7wLibGn90=w400-h205" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><br /></div><i>CODA</i> is the story of two deaf parents who neglect their hearing daughter's aspirations of becoming a singer because they rely on her slave labor in order to function in hearing society. It's actually a really wholesome movie about a girl torn between helping her family and pursuing her dreams, but I can't allow myself to think about the logistics of it for too long or I start ranting. After signing up for high school choir because she saw a boy she likes sign up, Ruby sings in front of a hearing person for the first time and apparently is so good that her teacher starts grooming her to apply to music school. I'll forgive that implausible amount of raw talent as I'm distracted by adorable scenes of Ruby helping her very sarcastic parents attend doctors appointments and start a rebellion in the fishing community, but that doesn't stop me from being frustrated by the fact that her family isn't legally allowed to fish without a hearing person on their boat, so they can clearly only work for maybe two hours before she has to go to school? I assume they've been breaking maritime law for decades. Despite my problems with the plausibility, and the fact that some of the emotional scenes border on manipulative—the scenes still work. Overall, CODA is a feel-good movie about a unique family, and you probably won't hate it unless you're more bitter than I am. CODA is available on Apple TV, as it was too wholesome for Hulu.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>7. Nobody</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhwDDMEQFKnJq1J-c80wAd9andRGSLrk7Ys_izBgPPHLquoDHCwxefqIMPoyV73PAEo2u92uDuwjinyhQjOhdk92M06FtFTSTfqUPyefs6E2FghN5Zhbc3s6QrGFXTZXliXsPl5IY8gZHAhPv48H3zuHiamhvPKmKVFEni3WfD-eue3Me0qT24DQXwE=s1000" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="563" data-original-width="1000" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhwDDMEQFKnJq1J-c80wAd9andRGSLrk7Ys_izBgPPHLquoDHCwxefqIMPoyV73PAEo2u92uDuwjinyhQjOhdk92M06FtFTSTfqUPyefs6E2FghN5Zhbc3s6QrGFXTZXliXsPl5IY8gZHAhPv48H3zuHiamhvPKmKVFEni3WfD-eue3Me0qT24DQXwE=w400-h225" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><br /></div>Would you like to watch Bob Odenkirk make wisecracks and beat people up? <i>Nobody</i> is really that simple. Bob Odenkirk plays a normal guy who goes on a rampage after home intruders steal his daughter's kitty-kat bracelet. Then he beats up some gangsters for being rude on a bus and accidentally finds himself shooting his way through a wave of mobsters. <i>Nobody</i> isn't going to make you feel feelings or contemplate your existence, but sometimes I like to watch people shoot guns and make wisecracks after watching five biopics in a row. So if you're still reeling from <i>The Eyes of Tammy Faye, </i>maybe head over to HBO Max and watch Bob Odenkirk do a John Wick impression.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>6. Zola</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgDpKGMXTKmd8c4m9KNWQXmao3FNM4JEzHTx9Qe2ZAI8IVCke4HufEPu_7mnFw0qc6Mwgk5F0JuAwaUkJYOUELeAIMYg73Wr28C3pV0xqEBoc80ZEG_vjFGDGt8W5HWQSLESHQ0boO40VSMbY83DZV-JNahfX9zz-e-osKQrrQ_cE6qeDPxkUUCzcF0=s640" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="427" data-original-width="640" height="268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgDpKGMXTKmd8c4m9KNWQXmao3FNM4JEzHTx9Qe2ZAI8IVCke4HufEPu_7mnFw0qc6Mwgk5F0JuAwaUkJYOUELeAIMYg73Wr28C3pV0xqEBoc80ZEG_vjFGDGt8W5HWQSLESHQ0boO40VSMbY83DZV-JNahfX9zz-e-osKQrrQ_cE6qeDPxkUUCzcF0=w400-h268" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><br /></div>It says a lot about my respect for A24's offerings when they convince me to watch a movie based on a Twitter thread. I may have been traumatized by <i>Eighth Grade,</i> but I at least appreciate their choices and <i>Zola</i> doesn't disappoint. I wouldn't peg a movie about two strippers going on a road trip as my cup of tea—but that song from <i>Hustle and Flow</i> is still stuck in my head, so who am I to judge? <i>Zola</i> does a great job of referencing it's Twitter-thread source material without beating you over the head with it, and ends up being a <i>Spring Breakers </i>type road trip movie with equally crazy characters but also an actual plot. The characters are put in several situations that should be disturbing or scary, but all of these scenes end up being much funnier than traumatizing, and I'm hoping for a spinoff for the character of Derrek, who has very complicated feelings about his girlfriend grinding on other dudes. <i>Zola</i> is currently available on Showtime, but the spinoff hasn't arrived yet.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>5. Riders of Justice</b></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEh04nBLrlqPXKEKvGu7XtvHEWHV0zxj8v4LG4t38KXsBLagUdWqaaOV72G9teFRi9hh-eglrsV1gIPk2g6_a5Uvq2dtOHo0rv37eVgM8ITIiqF5F_vUdgaLge1U9Xwx5Mkn7ewDngqLdV7k4GnMEsCgSv8_fKTeeOMSheJmBpRVy9L8R9Jn0hyJotoy=s1000" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="562" data-original-width="1000" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEh04nBLrlqPXKEKvGu7XtvHEWHV0zxj8v4LG4t38KXsBLagUdWqaaOV72G9teFRi9hh-eglrsV1gIPk2g6_a5Uvq2dtOHo0rv37eVgM8ITIiqF5F_vUdgaLge1U9Xwx5Mkn7ewDngqLdV7k4GnMEsCgSv8_fKTeeOMSheJmBpRVy9L8R9Jn0hyJotoy=w400-h225" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><br /></div>You'll have to forgive me for including two action-revenge comedies on one list, but we have to play the hand we're dealt, and I enjoyed watching Mads Mikkelsen shoot guns even more than Bob Odenkirk's foray into violence. <i>Riders of Justice</i> is simultaneously darker and funnier than <i>Nobody, </i>and the humor is supported largely by the quirky computer nerds that accompany the very serious Mads on his quest for justice after his wife is murdered in a terrorist attack. It also explores grief more responsibly than you would expect from a movie where a Danish Seth Rogan is one of Mads Mikkelson's sidekicks. You can watch <i>Riders of Justice </i>on Hulu, which I should apparently finally subscribe to.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>4. Minari</b></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhnfC-86USxQ8oRWQUZovRkus58hxmJ8cWtICdpk0t9JcP5yQ6kfscwCYZ6IM7deaH3LXbN-sInuKYnhzNCSp5g-IOp33OnIVKrEPy87KVHUEStapDjLUWBshnMClyMyETh8wJACaTd6oJw7UAtZfElqDSXuibo8Y5NLoQoWOPyaNTQ6jatDqk8CGzl=s840" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="473" data-original-width="840" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhnfC-86USxQ8oRWQUZovRkus58hxmJ8cWtICdpk0t9JcP5yQ6kfscwCYZ6IM7deaH3LXbN-sInuKYnhzNCSp5g-IOp33OnIVKrEPy87KVHUEStapDjLUWBshnMClyMyETh8wJACaTd6oJw7UAtZfElqDSXuibo8Y5NLoQoWOPyaNTQ6jatDqk8CGzl=w400-h225" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><br /></div>I told you in the 2020 list that you'd see <i>Minari</i> here. It may have come out over a year ago, but I still remember this Korean grandma spitballin' one-liners and drinking Mountain Dew. Like <i>CODA</i>, it's an outlier on this list because no one gets shot or has sex with a car, but we all know the best movies are quiet dramas with developed characters—when they're actually done right. <i>Minari </i>follows a Korean-American family that moves to Arkansas in the 1980's. As they attempt to develop their farm, they bring in the previously referenced smart-talking Grandma who steals the show by mocking and bonding with the children. They struggle with money and interact with awkward white people, but ultimately the film is about a family of well-developed characters bonding and searching for the American Dream in an era where that dream still existed. <i>Minari</i> is currently available on Showtime.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>3. Cyrano</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhNGKGTCvs8QTp2N17BuqBNGAInjcugdACzQqEj_FU2sCna7utD8cACwnLl_QF6Uf_elgqTn6wX7n4W_X-0Z3X6gmFOdMNrs5UNUI8T5ukiDIfl7O4IrHIvg8-GuTPNZStfnAuW-qhmF1-bfrhzN1hx7QIpEXEMkTGW_5rySZGX_YteAkGK_j2bNkyF=s840" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="560" data-original-width="840" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhNGKGTCvs8QTp2N17BuqBNGAInjcugdACzQqEj_FU2sCna7utD8cACwnLl_QF6Uf_elgqTn6wX7n4W_X-0Z3X6gmFOdMNrs5UNUI8T5ukiDIfl7O4IrHIvg8-GuTPNZStfnAuW-qhmF1-bfrhzN1hx7QIpEXEMkTGW_5rySZGX_YteAkGK_j2bNkyF=w400-h266" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><br /></div>I will openly admit to you that the top three films on this list are far and away the ones I care about the most, and that <i>Cyrano </i>is the only film I watched more times than <i>Malignant </i>this year. My final admission is that a musical about a reclusive grump singing angsty songs written by members of The National is uniquely geared towards me, so your own mileage with <i>Cyrano</i> may vary. But if you're a fan of Peter Dinklage's low grumble and wanting eyes, then enjoy. P. Dinkles plays our titular character, who is hopelessly in love with Roxanne (Haley Bennet), but afraid to tell her because he can't list six feet tall in his Tinder profile. <i>Cyrano </i>is an adaption of the classic 1800's Netflix hit <i>The Half of It</i>, so instead of telling Roxanne how he feels, he writes her love letters on behalf of the much taller Christian, whom Roxanne has decided she loves after seeing him once. But what Haley Bennet really loves: is letters. Like, a lot. Don't worry she doesn't swallow any, that's a different movie. There is more than one scene where Haley Bennett sings about letters while they fly about the room or are sensually rubbed across her face. If you think that's weird and not hilarious, I'd like to point out that this film also contains erotic baking choreography; so learn to enjoy it.</span> The pacing of the film is a little off as it bounces around timelines pretty quickly and takes dramatic shifts in tone, but I enjoyed the silliness and seriousness in bursts—even if they didn't always mesh perfectly. You can pay $20 to watch this on Amazon or go see it in a theater if you're one of those weirdos. Or you know, wait two weeks and it'll probably be free somewhere.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>2. Pig</b></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgF0FlXLDLaO-18vxU1aIEMU76el9ZmuW92biSPmUUvF-4aZEwiclct639RWCe0DDaW48jDOkIqwDUdRVZPuMpkWc6vh7aunhL8598X8Vi1rfikPmbIgTb5oUmIM62HPI2256YQjRt3XM_ayCPduzT4OtYSsNLEeAP6dz8ENKJCaokv6cwScrVIgibM=s1200" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="675" data-original-width="1200" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgF0FlXLDLaO-18vxU1aIEMU76el9ZmuW92biSPmUUvF-4aZEwiclct639RWCe0DDaW48jDOkIqwDUdRVZPuMpkWc6vh7aunhL8598X8Vi1rfikPmbIgTb5oUmIM62HPI2256YQjRt3XM_ayCPduzT4OtYSsNLEeAP6dz8ENKJCaokv6cwScrVIgibM=w400-h225" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><br /></div>If you haven't seen <i>Pig </i>yet, you're forgiven for thinking that this is the third action-revenge film on this list. And while that's the film <i>Pig</i> briefly pretends to be, it inverses that arc completely. Nic Cage starts the film hanging out with his truffle-hunting pig in a remote cabin. When that pig is stolen, he immediately races into the city and starts yelling at people that he wants his pig back. He also spends most of the movie covered in his own blood, so he's rather intimidating. While you might be used to a bloodied Nic Cage bashing heads and shooting demon-possessed Chuck-E-Cheese characters, here he hurts everyone with truth instead of violence—going on memorable rants about how society is fake and stupid and how it's hard to find something you actually love. The best scene of the year is when the blood-covered Nic Cage explains to a high-end restaurant chef that his restaurant is stupid and he'd like his life more if he just opened a pub. The casting of Nicolas Cage was clearly a brilliant, subversive trick; but it's also a reminder that he's still the only member of the Marvel Universe who can steal the Declaration of Independence <i>and </i>make us cry a little. <i>Pig </i>is available on Hulu, who I promise is not paying me to write this article.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>1. Nine Days</b></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEi7wekxtPlaZeFv9HdVusmSlXbW01Lv8plF8lAl1fGbI5WRCdRbZJQtqSM0tiwHn6ziqAAgn_BmL7FQg7KeMKKZM24Fd5lWEpyEH2JTZ1oJH2SFCd1W7F2w12zdGok7SfdRAdFiaDpq9qXS4tn6BabYuNYRAmINEtU-NzEi5Z2gZujon_pBp3-ADv17=s1015" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="571" data-original-width="1015" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEi7wekxtPlaZeFv9HdVusmSlXbW01Lv8plF8lAl1fGbI5WRCdRbZJQtqSM0tiwHn6ziqAAgn_BmL7FQg7KeMKKZM24Fd5lWEpyEH2JTZ1oJH2SFCd1W7F2w12zdGok7SfdRAdFiaDpq9qXS4tn6BabYuNYRAmINEtU-NzEi5Z2gZujon_pBp3-ADv17=w400-h225" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: large; text-align: center;"><br /></div>If you were holding out hope that the number one film of 2021 wouldn't be about a bitter recluse who is disgusted with society, I'm sorry. If it brings you any solace, this character is already dead. Will is a formerly-living person who spends his days documenting the lives of the souls he has selected to experience life. When one of those lives unexpectedly ends, he is tasked with interviewing new souls to fill the vacancy. Only one soul can pass the interview process, and the rest will cease to exist. While many films exploring the meaning of life and the magnitude of existence tend to be unbearable or inaccessible, <i>Nine Days</i> effectively asks its questions without a twenty-minute summary of the universe's creation. As the new souls interact and react to snippets of life, their personalities come into focus and Will slowly eliminates them—his choices heavily influenced by grief and his own negative experiences as a living person. Ultimately, <i>Nine Days</i> is a beautifully crafted film that turns small moments into profound ones, and builds to a more honest and satisfying ending than I ever thought we'd get. <i>Nine Days</i> is currently available on Starz if anyone actually pays for that.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><u>EVERYTHING ELSE</u></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><u><br /></u></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><u>THE GOOD:</u></div><div style="text-align: left;"><u><br /></u></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Little Fish: </b>A couple keeps forgetting each other due to COVID that erases your memory.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Limbo: </b><i>Napoleon Dynamite</i> with Syrian refugees.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Don't Look Up: </b>Make sure you follow Timothee Chalamet on Twitch.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>The Outside Story: </b>A comedy about the daunting task of going outside.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Supernova: </b>Stanley Tucci and Colin Firth accept mortality.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Drunk Bus: </b>A college-town bus driver parties and misses his ex-girlfriend.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Tick tick...BOOM!: </b>This made me forgive Andrew Garfield for <i>The Eyes of Tammy Faye</i></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Free Guy: </b>NPC Ryan Reynolds does Ryan Reynolds things which is something most people like.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Benedetta: </b>Lesbian nuns get the stigmata and make sex toys.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Language Lessons: </b>Mark Duplass becomes best friends with his Spanish teacher.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>A Quiet Place Part II: </b>It's the same movie except we get Cillian Murphy and a baby this time.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Blood Red Sky: </b>I WANT THESE BLOOD-SUCKING VAMPIRES OFF MY PLANE.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>The French Dispatch: </b>I do like Wes Anderson. I just want another <i>Rushmore.</i></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>C'mon C'mon: </b>The Joker learns that kids aren't so bad, which is probably a lie.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Red Rocket: </b>Trashy people act trashy to each other.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Judas and the Black Messiah: </b>This. Right here. This is the type of biopic we want.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Last Night in Soho: </b>It's a decent enough movie, just not a good Edgar Wright movie.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Plan B: </b>Your annual abortion/contraception road-trip comedy.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Undine: </b>I'm really glad I never broke up with a Mermaid.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>The Mauritanian: </b>America is better at detaining people than Christian Grey.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>The Father: </b>Anthony Hopkins and I both forget what this movie is about.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><div><b>The Dig: </b>Some people dig up their backyard and it's worth watching for some reason.</div><div><b>Our Friend: </b>I wish Jason Segel was my friend.</div><div><b>Vacation Friends: </b>I'm glad John Cena is not my friend.</div><div><b>Never Gonna Snow Again: </b>I have no idea what this was about but I liked it.</div><div><b>Dune: Part One: </b>Timothee of Arabia.</div><div><b>Together Together: </b>Is this literally the first movie about platonic friendship?</div><div><b>Old Henry: </b>If you like Westerns, watch this I guess.</div><div><b>Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings: </b>We got another Marvel character. Thank God.</div><div><b>Wrath of Man: </b>Jason Statham shoots people.</div><div><b>Preparations to be Together for an Unknown Period of Time: </b>A possibly insane woman stalks boy she likes.</div><div><div><b>The Night House: </b>The best horror movie that isn't a prank.</div><div><b>Blue Bayou: </b>America has some stupid policies.</div><div><b>The Last Duel: </b>Adam Driver clearly rapes someone and there's a huge debate over it.</div><div><b>Test Pattern: </b><i>The Last Duel</i> set in 2021 and made for $99 million dollars less.</div><div><b>Swan Song (Ali): </b>It's like a Black Mirror episode where Mahershala Ali replaces himself with himself.</div><div><b>Mass: </b>Some parents talk about a school shooting. It's a good movie I'll never watch again.</div><div><b>Night in Paradise: </b>A gangster hides out on an island, but his wife isn't killed by a car bomb.</div><div><b><br /></b></div><div><u>WORTH WATCHING:</u></div></div></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar: </b>It is so dumb, but ya'll like <i>Anchorman</i>, so enjoy.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>The Lost Daughter: </b>A mean lady steals a child's toy.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Happily: </b>A married couple has been in the honeymoon phase for 15 years and it annoys their friends.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>I Care a Lot: </b>She did not, in fact, care.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Eat Wheaties!: </b>Sid gets weird on Facebook trying to prove he knows Elizabeth Banks.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>No Sudden Move: </b>It's a Soderbergh movie. That summarizes the film better than any synopsis.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Worth: </b>Ah. Government bureaucracy.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Queenpins: </b>The Woman In the House Across The Street From the Girl With Coupons in Her Garage.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Candyman: </b>A horror movie.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Seance: </b>Simon Barrett also wrote <i>The Guest</i>, so I forgive him that <i>Seance </i>isn't as good.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>VHS 94: </b>I unironically like all these movies. Maybe I just like short horror films.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Vicious Fun: </b>A nerd accidentally attends a self-help group for serial killers and tries to fit in.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Cliff Walkers: </b>Crouching Tiger, Hidden Communist.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Night Drive: </b>An Uber driver accidentally gets involved in a series of misadventures.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><div><b>Space Sweepers: </b>Interstellar trash collectors find a powerful child. So, <i>Star Wars</i> basically.</div><div><b>Black Widow: </b>Marvel movies without dragons aren't as good. It's proven.</div><div><b>Palmer: </b>It's like <i>Red Rocket</i> if the characters were nice.</div><div><b>Werewolves Within: </b>Someone in town is a werewolf. It's silly fun.</div><div><b>Dinner in America: </b>The strangest crush since Dawn Weiner loved Steve.</div><div><b>The Exchange: </b>Cool French bro teaches nerd American kid to be cool and gets accused of terrorism.</div><div><b>The Suicide Squad: </b>You have to admit. It was better than the last one.</div><div><div><b>The Power of the Dog: </b>It is possible I didn't like this movie only because Kirsten Dunst is the worst.</div><div><b>New Order: </b>The poor people attack the rich people which is always fun.</div></div><div><b>Major Grom: Plague Doctor: </b>We're probably not allowed to watch this because McCarthyism is in vogue again.</div><div><b>No Man of God: </b>Another Ted Bundy movie that wasn't bad.</div><div><b>Quo Vadis, Aida?: </b>A UN translator tries to keep her family safe during an invasion.</div><div><b>Happy Cleaners: </b>Kind of like <i>Minari</i> but with dry cleaning.</div><div><b>Night of the Kings: </b>These prisoners <i>really </i>like storytime before bed.</div><div><b>King Richard: </b>Will Smith's overacting doesn't ruin this movie.</div><div><b>Eternals: </b>Everyone said this sucked, but it seemed fine despite the lack of dragons.</div><div><b>The Harder They Fall: </b>A high-energy Western. Basically the opposite of <i>Old Henry.</i></div><div><b>Being the Ricardos: </b>More interesting than it had any business being.</div><div><b>Spiderman: No Way Home: </b>There are multiple Spidermans and the predictable jokes occur.</div><div><b>The Beta Test: </b>Not the best from Jim Cummings, but still better than the efforts of most.</div><div><b>Cry Macho: </b>This movie is probably bad, but I will watch curmudgeonly Clint Eastwood argue with children any time.</div></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><u>THE MEH:</u></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Voyagers: </b><i>Euphoria</i> in space.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Silk Road: </b>The Internet was so much cooler when you just bought drugs on it.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>In the Heights: </b>Someone wins like $10 on a lotto ticket and everyone loses their mind.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>American Sausage Standoff: </b>Clearly the best title of the year. It's about sausage. And racism.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>The Get Together: </b>Some friends get together and normal things happen.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Godzilla vs. Kong: </b>Godzilla fights King Kong. You know what this is. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>No One Gets Out Alive: </b>I recommend female landlords.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>The Guilty: </b>This movie is fine. But I already saw it when they made it the first time.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Best Sellers: </b>I do enjoy a grumpy Michael Caine.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>The Card Counter: </b>Despite the movie's title, the character plays poker—not Blackjack. I never got over that.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>The Tomorrow War: </b>Chris Pratt goes to the future to fight aliens. It's the opposite of <i>Edge of Tomorrow.</i></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Censor: </b>The horror kids love this one.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>The Man Who Sold His Skin: </b>This was surprisingly weak for a Best International film nominee.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>The Voyeurs: </b>You'll end up watching this for the same reason you watch <i>Euphoria.</i></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Sweat: </b>Instragam influencing is tough and makes you sad.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Passing: </b>The people who like this movie are clearly lying.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Red Notice: </b>Ryan Reynolds does Ryan Reynolds things with his buddy The Rock; who does The Rock things.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Bergman Island: </b>About twenty minutes of this movie is incredible, the rest not so much.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Saint Maud: </b>A religious lady becomes extra religious because of a QAnon thread.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Psycho Goreman: </b>Kids hang out with and take advantage of a dangerous space alien.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>I Blame Society: </b>A filmmaker starts committing murders so that her films suck less.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Slaxx: </b>A horror movie about a murderous pair of pants. This really should have been funnier.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Gunpowder Milkshake: </b>The best of the recent Netflix action movies. And by that, I mean it's bad.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Willy's Wonderland: </b>Nicolas Cage says zero words in this movie and just slaughters stuffed animals.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Fried Barry: </b>An alien takes over a human addict's body and experiences a wild night on the town.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>The Killing of Two Lovers: </b>Ted from <i>Rectify</i> is sad his wife has a boyfriend.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>How it Ends: </b>This is the kind of meandering nonsense we get when everyone spends a year inside.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Rare Beasts: </b>Just like in real life, two awful people start dating and it has mixed entertainment value.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>My Heart Can't Beat Unless You Tell it To: </b><i>Let the Right One In</i> exists, so we don't need this movie.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Shiva Baby: </b>You'll probably like this if you can handle awkward social encounters better than I can.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Boss Level: </b>A fun, but mindless <i>Edge of Tomorrow</i>.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Lapsis: </b>The final plan of Jeff Bezos.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>The Little Things: </b>This movie was so stupid but I saw it so long ago I can't tell you why.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>The Map of Tiny Perfect Things: </b>Cute kids meet in a time loop but aren't as fun as Jesse Eisenberg. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Bad Luck Banging or Loony Porn: </b>A third of this movie is good.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Silent Night: </b>The bleakest of apocalypse comedies. It needs to be funnier if it's going to be so mean.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>The Last Letter from Your Lover: </b>Felicity Jones delivers a letter but no one sings about it.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Zack Snyder's Justice League: </b>A polished turd is still a turd.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Malcolm and Marie: </b>It's impossible to believe that Zendaya has feelings for anyone other than Tom Holland.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Annette: </b>I wanted to love this so much, but it's way too messy. I do love Sparks though.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>The Green Knight: </b>We get it. All our heroes are disappointing.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>The Vault: </b>Some people steal some stuff and it's boring.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Stillwater: </b>This is definitely not based on a true story, for legal reasons.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Rifkin's Festival: </b>Woody Allen makes another stupid movie.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Best Summer Ever: </b>This movie is super bad, but I feel bad saying it.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Venom: Let There Be Carnage: </b>Good for a few wisecracks.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Spencer: </b>Imagine I made a movie about how sad I get when my Internet goes out and screened it to homeless people.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>8-Bit Christmas: </b>Remember when they made good live-action kids movies? This is at least close.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Mortal Kombat: </b>There is blood. That's all you wanted.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Dead Pigs: </b>Some pigs die and people get sad.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>The Mad Women's Ball: </b>If I ever meet someone who talks to ghosts, I'm going to believe them.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Runt: </b>A kid gets bullied.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Belfast: </b>There's a war or something and a little kid has a crush on a girl.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Love Hard: </b>Your standard Netflix romcom written by an AI.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>The Hand of God: </b>A disappointing Sorrentino film. Watch <i>The Great Beauty </i>instead.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Matrix Resurrections: </b>It's really bad, but it might be on purpose.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Ghostbusters: Afterlife: </b>Hollywood exists only to destroy everything you once loved.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Antlers: </b>This deer is pissed.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Swan Song (Kier): </b>An aging hairdresser wanders around in sweatpants looking for beauty products.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>West Side Story: </b>I bet this would have been a great movie in 1961.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Drive My Car: </b>This movie is longer than most road trips and less exciting.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>The Tragedy of MacBeth: </b>There are some great shots in this movie that no one should care about.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Copshop: </b>This is actually solid for a mindless Gerard Butler thriller.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Nightmare Alley: </b>A two and a half hour movie that somehow never developed any characters.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>House of Gucci: </b>Jared Leto should host the Oscars as Paolo Gucci.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>No Time to Die: </b>I think I missed a Daniel Craig James Bond or two, but this has to be the worst one.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Dr. Bird's Advice for Sad Poets: </b>A kid talks to a bird and joins a cult.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><span><b style="font-size: large;"><br /></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><u>THE UGLY</u><br /><b style="font-size: large;"><br /></b><b>Habit: </b>Sexy ladies pretend to be nuns. It's like <i>Benedetta,</i> but bad.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><b>About Endlessness: </b>Talk about endless.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><b>Here Are the Young Men: </b>I have literally no recollection of this film even after googling the synopsis.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><b>Till Death: </b>Megan Fox runs from some people.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><b>The Nowhere Inn: </b>St. Vincent makes a fake documentary about her tour and it's really dumb.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><b>The Paper Tigers: </b>Old people fight.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><b>Kate: </b>Another Netflix girl shoots thing movie.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><b>Initiation: </b>At least the killer in this movie knows how to avenge rape better than Carey Mulligan does.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><b>The Many Saints of Newark: </b>People liked <i>The Sopranos</i>, so they pretended to make an origin story.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><b>Streamline: </b>A kid gets sad about swimming because he meets his dad.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><b>The Eyes of Tammy Faye: </b>Everything about this movie hurt my soul.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><b>Lamb: </b>Some humans steal a lamb-baby and get weird about it.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><b>North Hollywood: </b>Vince Vaughn might have saved this movie with more rants.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><b>The Wanting Mare: </b>If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year at college.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><b>Mayday: </b>An island full of women kill men and it might be a dream or something.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><b>Come True: </b>A girl can't sleep and gets all upset about it.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><b>Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard: </b>Ryan Reynolds does Ryan Reynolds things, but they're not great.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><b>Jolt: </b>Amazon's attempt at the girl action movie. Just license <i>Underworld,</i> thanks.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><b>Days of the Bagnold Summer: </b>Hopefully we can get a real coming-of-age movie in 2022.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><b>Beckett: </b>A really dumb chase movie.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><b>Wolf: </b>Kids in a psych ward make UwU's at each other or something.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><b>Respect: </b>Aretha Franklin is good at singing.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><b>In the Earth: </b>It's the art-film version of <i>The Happening</i>.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><b>Army of the Dead: </b>Zombies and guns.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><b>The Tender Bar: </b>Ben Affleck seems like a nice man.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>The United States vs. Billie Holiday: </b>Billie Holiday is good at drinking.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Parallel Mothers: </b>I honestly have no idea what this was attempting to be about.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>A Cop Movie: </b>Built on a gimmick, and largely uninteresting.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City: </b>They rebooted a terrible but beloved franchise by making a bad movie.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Licorice Pizza: </b>I think Paul Thomas Anderson exists in a completely different reality than me.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>The King's Man: </b>The other Kingsman movies had no business being as good as they were, but this is hot garbage.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Reminscence: </b>Who tricked Hugh Jackman into signing on to this trash heap?</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>American Night: </b>It tries so hard. Like really hard. And it really fails.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Prisoners of the Ghostland: </b>We're going to give Sono a pass on this failure since he had a heart attack while making it.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Die In a Gunfight: </b>Romeo and Juliet with guns, but not the good kind with Leo.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><u>CINEMATIC TRAVESTIES</u></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><u><br /></u></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><b>Old: </b>This is actually hilarious and we all knew it would be this bad.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><b>Halloween Kills: </b>THE SERIES ENDS TONIGHT (I wish).</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><b>Anonymous Animals: </b>Some people put on animal heads and make us feel bad for eating meat or something. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span><b><br /></b></span></div></div></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>Dear Filmmakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16821218729910317499noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3842229596448725018.post-84279336149577809142021-02-20T13:23:00.167-05:002021-02-20T13:55:49.353-05:00The Top Ten Films of 2020.<p><br /></p><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtM8yI-8_2G9UmQrHu5jlqJhv2u0ALg2EL29DO5I5hPyS-LHmj6MwgxCtQXOzRbF9qPK0hlHkyaq_XTPYoFw_vm8Js8xoc6Q28WMUtaFYghhJiq_tYU6W_z0CZDG3OncULC3hmLXkwvhw/s640/vivarium.jpg"><img border="0" data-original-height="419" data-original-width="640" height="263" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtM8yI-8_2G9UmQrHu5jlqJhv2u0ALg2EL29DO5I5hPyS-LHmj6MwgxCtQXOzRbF9qPK0hlHkyaq_XTPYoFw_vm8Js8xoc6Q28WMUtaFYghhJiq_tYU6W_z0CZDG3OncULC3hmLXkwvhw/w400-h263/vivarium.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><p></p><div>I usually post this right before the Oscars, but this year they've been pushed back to late April—which means the Academy is an even bigger procrastinator than I am. With that pushback also comes the expansion of eligibility requirements to films released through February 2021. I don't like to pretend 2020 didn't end in December, so some of the Oscar nominees don't qualify for this list. I have very strict requirements for how I define what films were released in 2020 (I check IMDB). So, since <i>Minari </i>was released in 2021, maybe we'll see it on next year's list (we probably will). Like most of you, I didn't see a single 2020 movie in theaters and I probably wouldn't have gone even if I could have. Thankfully, due to Covid, you can now watch movies at home for approximately $40 instead of going to the theater, which seems like an affordable, sustainable model.</div><div><br /></div><div>Anyways, some movies came out in 2020. Hopefully, you watched some of them since you weren't allowed to do much else. Here's a list of my favorites, as well as the rest of the riff-raff.</div><span><a name='more'></a></span><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>10. A Sun</b></span></div><div><div style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><i><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuSH1LSKFnU6m9ZDCgF1lhyxt1LUawufay9hvPl60n7xuG6m8qgy73MNrrIakSOtu2JICrUOzVvnrZrbsgDoQ-QZaggAbUu4mPVAcTkndAPpp-q5ii8CtDgkkqFDfrrnww033mwL0JcUU/s1200/Asun.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="1200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuSH1LSKFnU6m9ZDCgF1lhyxt1LUawufay9hvPl60n7xuG6m8qgy73MNrrIakSOtu2JICrUOzVvnrZrbsgDoQ-QZaggAbUu4mPVAcTkndAPpp-q5ii8CtDgkkqFDfrrnww033mwL0JcUU/s320/Asun.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>A Sun </i>is on Netflix, but Netflix has hidden it from your feed because it really wants you to watch the third <i>To All the Boys </i>movie instead. Netflix may also think you're unlikely to watch a 156 minute movie with subtitles and—let's be honest—they're probably right. If you can manage to look up from your phone for 156 minutes, <i>A Sun </i>is a visually stunning family drama about loss, grief, and unmet expectations that (mostly) manages to avoid the melodramatic. Maybe it's the runtime or the occasional bursts of violence, but <i>A Sun </i>feels surprisingly epic for a movie about a Taiwanese family being sad. And in a year where most directors seem to forgotten that they are allowed to move their cameras, the cinematography is appreciated.</div><div style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><div style="text-align: center;"><b style="font-size: large;">9. Promising Young Woman</b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiidxyhdljU8kZRzRoGaflAUCHpVmNlKYYKcJahWdKjp6VpgC4AuNtVn_uzo24GiDlUh1aZIW7gNArCB1v4laXpyCBAApVm7ZtfMKrxZS6G6KyhaUX5Vsiyo_wlMTTbHYJHFVNtfnUbZhc/s1200/promisingyoungwoman.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="746" data-original-width="1200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiidxyhdljU8kZRzRoGaflAUCHpVmNlKYYKcJahWdKjp6VpgC4AuNtVn_uzo24GiDlUh1aZIW7gNArCB1v4laXpyCBAApVm7ZtfMKrxZS6G6KyhaUX5Vsiyo_wlMTTbHYJHFVNtfnUbZhc/s320/promisingyoungwoman.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>It currently costs $20 to stream <i>Promising Young Woman</i>, so once it's not financially devastating to view, I recommend that you do so. Carey Mulligan plays Cassie, who spends her nights pretending to be drunk, waiting for a "nice guy" to take her home, and then <strike>murders</strike> scolds them. While you may scoff at the lack of violence, the film works because it spends a lot of its runtime subverting the banal tropes of a revenge thriller and flirting instead with the idea of becoming a romantic comedy. Let me be clear: <i>A Promising Young Woman</i> is not a romantic comedy—but Cassie's late night endeavors are interspersed with a budding romance that touches on all the romcom tropes. They navigate through flirting, fighting, and dancing maniacally to Paris Hilton in a pharmacy; so I think things are really going to turn out well for these two. Ultimately though, this is a film about rape culture, obsession, and revenge; pretty much every character sucks; and the film makes several choices that will probably upset you. There is a lot to love and to hate here. Trying to understand your feelings about the movie is half the fun.</div><div style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><div style="text-align: center;"><b style="font-size: large;">8. The Wolf of Snow Hollow</b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3ZSIhzY5-kG1_cYCKjZfWH-rwmAzl9Dv3PN7mdL4Jgfe7iKhJAsACvblvp5oYmdTcfbHqGbAnKaaH0kQUq_ibj5k8qBTd1YPDT_IxrF1xT-mK_-QqZqPyTkWY39gHWxkXxFaJY-LPzoo/s758/wolfofsnowhollow.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="433" data-original-width="758" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3ZSIhzY5-kG1_cYCKjZfWH-rwmAzl9Dv3PN7mdL4Jgfe7iKhJAsACvblvp5oYmdTcfbHqGbAnKaaH0kQUq_ibj5k8qBTd1YPDT_IxrF1xT-mK_-QqZqPyTkWY39gHWxkXxFaJY-LPzoo/s320/wolfofsnowhollow.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>2018's excellent <i>Thunder Road</i> saw Jim Cummings take on the role of an alcoholic, divorced police officer having a mental breakdown after the death of a parent. With his follow up, <i>The Wolf of Snow Hollow</i>, Cummings surprisingly shifts gears entirely: taking on the role of an alcoholic, divorced police officer having a mental breakdown after a wolf begins attacking people in his small town during the full moon. Oh, and his father might be dying. Cummings' apparent trademark is unhinged monologue, and he somehow makes that work in this unorthodox horror/comedy. We spend much of the movie following the small town police force as they try to solve the mystery of the attacks. As they make little progress, the town begins to turn against them—as do Jim's personal demons against him. Ultimately, the third act resolution feels rushed, but there are enough laughs and alcohol-induced rants to keep things fun.</div><div style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><div style="text-align: center;"><b style="font-size: large;">7. Straight Up</b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PFmOnnrlC44/YC_qosPvYLI/AAAAAAAACd0/HXqcOjpV8yEPxtX5hArmOSMRQ7xi5M4tACLcBGAsYHQ/s1440/straightup.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1440" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PFmOnnrlC44/YC_qosPvYLI/AAAAAAAACd0/HXqcOjpV8yEPxtX5hArmOSMRQ7xi5M4tACLcBGAsYHQ/s320/straightup.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>Todd has always thought he was gay, but he doesn't like bodily fluids, and maybe society has just tricked him into being gay, so he's decided to try dating girls. He meets Rory—they both love <i>Gilmore Girls—</i>and they begin a courtship of banter that would make the writers of that show proud. <i>Straight Up</i> is a dialogue-driven romantic comedy centered around an unconventional couple. It's a very funny examination of finding your soulmate, sexual and romantic fluidity, and the role of sex in relationships. Todd's neuroticism is on full display throughout and his anxious, meandering run-ons are always welcome. <i>Straight Up </i>is available on Netflix.</div><div style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><div style="text-align: center;"><b style="font-size: large;">6. Shithouse</b></div><i><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMu1nDDYcjmvZfz_FU6ts8Cav6GmiucCrqQZbKb6mHxNKaKMqnVycx6TYd7brYBFo9nM_W6XHcd1_UZrIcRg1YR24nBAbcRLsU2uT9guhLWPZnJHEYNzmaeoz9V83RQwxLIhgifkynXIk/s650/Shithouse.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="450" data-original-width="650" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMu1nDDYcjmvZfz_FU6ts8Cav6GmiucCrqQZbKb6mHxNKaKMqnVycx6TYd7brYBFo9nM_W6XHcd1_UZrIcRg1YR24nBAbcRLsU2uT9guhLWPZnJHEYNzmaeoz9V83RQwxLIhgifkynXIk/s320/Shithouse.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>Shithouse </i>is<i> </i>probably not the most marketable name for an indie film, but it appears to have worked in this case. Despite its aggressive title, <i>Shithouse</i> is the story of a lonely guy at college who meets a girl and talks to her for most of the movie. We all know <i>Before Sunrise </i>vibes score big points on this list. The third act drops off in quality a bit as Alex attempts to bond with his hard-partying roommate, but <i>Shithouse</i> has a number of strong emotional moments throughout, and the dialogue always feels authentic—even if that sometimes means its a bit cringe-inducing. The flaws are easy to forgive when you remember the film was made on a budget of less than half a Bitcoin. Turns out all it takes to make a strong movie is realistic characters and honest storytelling. Someone should tell Hollywood.</div><div style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><div style="text-align: center;"><b style="font-size: large;">5. Emma.</b></div><span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BWOwZM3NVXY/YDCliFAXscI/AAAAAAAACek/-p1GVOjaU2k1HxMHSU36N2NwkMEJpXZ5QCLcBGAsYHQ/s2048/emma2.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1281" data-original-width="2048" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BWOwZM3NVXY/YDCliFAXscI/AAAAAAAACek/-p1GVOjaU2k1HxMHSU36N2NwkMEJpXZ5QCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/emma2.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>I may be getting soft in my old age because I've started to appreciate set and costume design and I don't know how to feel about that. Every shot in <i>Emma. </i>is perfectly framed and there's something about the silly hats that just works for me. The whole film is a bit silly, really. But that works in its favor and injects most of the humor. The minor characters are mostly slapstick caricatures, including Bill Nighy as a delightful hypochondriac constantly flustered by a cool draft. <i>Emma. </i>also delivers some disarmingly genuine moments as we watch Anya Taylor-Joy evolve from a spoiled child into a grounded, young woman. I revisited <i>Clueless </i>as well this year—it shares the same source material—and somehow the 19th Century has aged better than the 1990's. Seriously, try to watch <i>Clueless </i>again, it's horrifying. But also watch <i>Emma. </i>It has better hats, I promise.</span></div><div style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><div style="text-align: center;"><b style="font-size: large;">4. I'm Thinking of Ending Things</b></div><span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2JZ78dVQEVksiVk6NcPZ4wg63sG1WMw1KkTrKyb7Wj2MNreAf90zzk8lLESTEza8hU4ZU8vS7RHkFSHAS701awmFPczbnDDQ5nys4dyDUU7QltholcbhgpyupnqTIgWTmunBiaytguP0/s681/im-thinking-of-ending-things.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="383" data-original-width="681" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2JZ78dVQEVksiVk6NcPZ4wg63sG1WMw1KkTrKyb7Wj2MNreAf90zzk8lLESTEza8hU4ZU8vS7RHkFSHAS701awmFPczbnDDQ5nys4dyDUU7QltholcbhgpyupnqTIgWTmunBiaytguP0/s320/im-thinking-of-ending-things.png" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>Charlie Kaufman (<i>Being John Malkovich, Adaptation, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) </i>has built an impressive catalog of screenplays that are incredibly strange but commercially successful. As a director, he's been building a catalog of existential surrealist nightmares that most people would not like. I love <i>Synecdoche, New York</i>, but I don't know anyone I'd recommend it to that hasn't already seen it. <i>I'm Thinking of Ending Things</i> feels a little more accessible, but that may be because I haven't seen another human being in almost a year. It's still a surreal, existential nightmare; but one I couldn't stop thinking about. It took a second viewing for it to make this list. Turns out knowing what is actually going on makes the gut punch of the story hit that much harder. If you're okay with things not making sense for a while, <i>I'm Thinking of Ending Things</i> is available on Netflix.</span></div><div style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><div style="text-align: center;"><b style="font-size: large;">3. The Kid Detective</b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8ZXzkE_oYwqxZv2z__BpNKqYq-2hHXoCoj2f-Hl6gHYLzmxrTZK-ZITiVzYFsxVThFVJ7HO4borT5S5h2zHNyY_PWiWOUzD9BdfukNXJ6BpBNBv9_VcPVDduavSKOKhwKjgX9auFk91I/s1000/the-kid-detective.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="563" data-original-width="1000" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8ZXzkE_oYwqxZv2z__BpNKqYq-2hHXoCoj2f-Hl6gHYLzmxrTZK-ZITiVzYFsxVThFVJ7HO4borT5S5h2zHNyY_PWiWOUzD9BdfukNXJ6BpBNBv9_VcPVDduavSKOKhwKjgX9auFk91I/s320/the-kid-detective.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>Abe was once an accomplished child detective who used to lie in bed wondering if he was the smartest person in the world. He solved the case of the missing fundraiser money after all. Unfortunately, he wasn't able to solve the disappearance of his 14-year-old assistant Gracie, and now he's a drunk, thirty-something washup fixated on his former glory. Finally, a character I can identify with. His most recent cases have been proving that a teenager didn't practice with the New York Knicks and tailing a husband suspected of cheating. When a high-school student is murdered, he takes the case—hoping to reclaim some of his dignity. <i>The Kid Detective</i> is a dark comedy that is a lot funnier than it should be, and a whole lot darker than I expected. It's about unmet expectations, suspended adolescence, and that moment you realize that maybe you aren't the smartest person in the world after all.</div><div style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><div style="text-align: center;"><b style="font-size: large;">2. Black Bear</b></div><span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPGd5rBAFo-xdlvK4UTU4qp10yceuQvDmWO6DRY6NrJ56tj-60dWcZyAibZ6gWQIPgJa9Y-7XIKqxHoU8wjhyN2IM8oWeOR2By9_GQGsYjM4pQ2AJs3QV69ccax-CWGOXGocQZLqKBy_Q/s1024/blackbear.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="576" data-original-width="1024" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPGd5rBAFo-xdlvK4UTU4qp10yceuQvDmWO6DRY6NrJ56tj-60dWcZyAibZ6gWQIPgJa9Y-7XIKqxHoU8wjhyN2IM8oWeOR2By9_GQGsYjM4pQ2AJs3QV69ccax-CWGOXGocQZLqKBy_Q/s320/blackbear.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>The narrative of <i>Black Bear</i> begins with Aubrey Plaza retreating to a remote lakeside cabin in order to concoct her next film. Her hosts are a young couple, and much of the film is an alcohol-fueled conversation between the three that gets very personal, very fast. What happens beyond that, I won't begin to explain, but know that the dialogue is always sharp and that Aubrey Plaza is a national treasure. <i>Black Bear</i> sees Plaza make major dramatic shifts throughout and her performance in the back half of the film is anxiety-inducing and brilliant.</span> <i>Black Bear </i>ultimately lacks any sort of tidy denouement, but it is a well-paced, engaging dissection of the creative process that is absolutely worthy of your time.</div><div style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><div style="text-align: center;"><b style="font-size: large;">1. Palm Springs</b></div><span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuAFwd5RH2OLwmsJ5p1Qtmf_3JqsCmjBXrLcJJiw9fZaja78tDaM8swjJbOgzqMyJh7wYpEJVKUNhsWtCq3itM62W0n-_Bb0qG_r_2lEiKMEFktktQvthdJdkD7vl_fzC5IeU_NKrU3ks/s735/palmsprings2.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="490" data-original-width="735" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuAFwd5RH2OLwmsJ5p1Qtmf_3JqsCmjBXrLcJJiw9fZaja78tDaM8swjJbOgzqMyJh7wYpEJVKUNhsWtCq3itM62W0n-_Bb0qG_r_2lEiKMEFktktQvthdJdkD7vl_fzC5IeU_NKrU3ks/s320/palmsprings2.png" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>I've basically been stuck in the same day since March and it's not so bad. Andy Samberg has been stuck in a time loop for who knows how long, and he seems to be doing okay too. He's embraced the fact that nothing matters, and when Cristin Milioti gets pulled into the loop as well, he attempts to get her to adopt this mantra as her own. She rejects it at first but quickly comes around, and the two begin a zany courtship in repeatedly funny scenarios that only a time loop movie could allow. I'm actually surprised how long it took for <i>Groundhog Day</i> to become an entire genre of films. There have been a few time loop movies leading up to the 2010's, but it's a downright phenomenon at this point. Even more surprising is how many of them are good, especially considering Hollywood's tendency to take everything you love and destroy it. <i>Palm Springs</i> is charming and hilarious, and if it ever starts to falter, J.K. Simmons shows up with a bow and arrow to revitalize things. <i>Palm Springs</i> came out on Hulu in July, and has maintained it's number one spot (in my mind) ever since. I can easily recommend this to everyone I know. As a final summary to the quality of 2020 as a whole, <i>Palm Springs </i>might have made my top ten in 2019, but it's the only film on this list to even have a shot. That being said, please go watch all of them and send me hate mail when you disagree.</span></div><div style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><span><br /></span></div><div style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">EVERYTHING ELSE:</span></div></div><div style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>THE GOOD:</b></span></div><div style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><span><div style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b>Guns Akimbo - </b>Cancel Culture gets so bad that Harry Potter is forced to kill or be killed because he was mean on the Internet. Avada Kedavra, my dude.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Tigertail - </span>Being old and alone is sad.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">One Night in Miami - </span>Malcolm X hosts the worst parties.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Relic - </span>Dementia is evil.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Mank - </span>A well-constructed throwback to a classic without any real conflict.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The King of Staten Island - </span>Pete Davidson tattoos a child.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Devil All the Time - </span>A bunch of people do evil stuff.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Half of It - </span>To All the Girls I loved Before This Boy Hired Me<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Synchronic - </span>Drugs make you time travel.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Happiest Season - </span>A woman brings her girlfriend home and treats her like garbage.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Sound of Metal - </span>A rock drummer pays $60,000 for a medical procedure he doesn't understand.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Another Round - </span>I wish my high school teachers experimented with day drinking.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Platform - </span>The quality of Door Dash has really gone downhill.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Spontaneous - </span>High school kids start exploding, but at least they learn to appreciate the time they have left.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Mangrove - </span>The good version of The Trial of the Chicago 7.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom -</span> Chadwick Boseman acting showcase.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Forty Year Old Version - </span>A failed playwright decides to rap instead.<b> <br /></b><span style="font-weight: bold;">Dating Amber - </span>Basically Straight Up but the couple isn't in denial and therefore less fun.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Beanpole - </span>Two really sad Russians form a weird bond.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Big Time Adolescence - </span>Pete Davidson is a bad influence, but tattoos no children.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Sorry We Missed You - </span>A guy delivers packages.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Banana Split - </span>Two girls form a fun friendship even though they both dated the same guy.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Babysitter: Killer Queen - </span>If you liked the first one, this ones aight.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Blow the Man Down -</span> A group of savage, old ladies take care of business.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Deerskin - </span>A man spends his life savings on a deer skin jacket, and then leads a vendetta to destroy all other jackets in existence.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Whistlers -</span> A guy learns how to speak in whistles and then commits a crime or something.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Twentieth Century - </span>A Guy Maddin inspired look at Canadian politicians and their vices.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Vast of Night - </span>Two crazy kids go looking for aliens.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Never Rarely Sometimes Always - </span>Getting an abortion probably shouldn't be this hard.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Vivarium - </span>It's like Covid lockdown but orchestrated by alien frog people. Possibly a documentary.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Sonic the Hedgehog - </span>I can't believe this was good. God bless Jim Carrey.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Climb - </span>A man continues to hang out with a longtime friend despite years of him being an asshole. All my friends should take notes.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Swallow - </span>A woman becomes obsessed with swallowing increasingly large objects.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Butt Boy -</span> It's like a more intense <i>Swallow</i>, but the opposite end.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Saint Frances - </span>A sad thirty-year-old learns to babysit.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Beasts Clawing At Straws - </span>A very solid Korean crime thriller.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Looks that Kill - </span>A boy is so good looking that if you see his face, you die. Basically, my biography.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Lover’s Rock - </span>It cannot be overstated how much these characters appreciate "Kung Fu Fighting."<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Kajillionaire - </span>A weird family makes a new friend and gets weirder.</div><div style="clear: left; float: left; font-weight: bold; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></div><div style="clear: left; float: left; font-weight: bold; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;">THE MEH:</div><div style="clear: left; float: left; font-weight: bold; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></div><div style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">True History of the Kelly Gang - </span>Tough Irish dudes wear dresses to scare their enemies.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Bloody Nose, Empty Pockets - </span>People are sad that their favorite bar is closing.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Color Out of Space - </span>Nicolas Cage loses his shit: Episode 143.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Yes, God, Yes - </span>The most boring possible version of youth group.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">House of Hummingbird - </span>A girl wanders around with her friends and a boy.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Traitor - </span>The most boring gangster movie of all time.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">How to Build a Girl - </span>Almost Famous, but as a mediocre comedy.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Nest -</span> I'd call this a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Archive - </span>A software engineer tries to store his wife on Google Drive, but exceeds his storage limit.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Come to Daddy - </span>Elijah Wood has a moustache and his dad is weird.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">She Dies Tomorrow - </span>The impending dread we all feel isn't enough to make a horror movie.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">End of Sentence - </span>A kid gets out of prison and bonds with his dad.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Binge - </span>I will watch Vince Vaugh rant in anything.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Old Guard - </span>Charlize Theron beats some people up.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Bill and Ted Face the Music - </span>Bill and Ted try to make a few bucks since Bill hasn't been successful.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Ammonite - </span>Portrait of Two Ladies with No Fire<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">News of the World - </span>Tom Hanks takes a girl on a horse ride.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Birds of Prey - </span>At least it wasn't Suicide Squad.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Da 5 Bloods - </span>Five old men try to carry heavy backpacks through Vietnam.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Hubie Halloween - </span>This is actually closer to <i>The Waterboy</i> in quality than it is to his other recent works.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Shirley - </span>Elizabeth Moss plays an unbearable character. Again. What a surprise.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Save Yourselves! - </span>A Comedy that's not really that funny.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Nomadland - </span>Frances McDormand wanders around and meets zero interesting people.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">On the Rocks - </span>Bill Murray gives bad advice to his daughter.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Antebellum - </span><i>12 Years a Slave</i> meets <i>The Hunt.<br /></i><span style="font-weight: bold;">First Cow - </span>Two guys make biscuits and sell them.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Misbehaviour - </span>Some people protest a beauty pageant.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Sylvie’s Love - </span>Two people in love continuously find reasons to not be together.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Love and Monsters - </span>A dude fights monsters to meet up with a girl who probably doesn't like him.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Calm with Horses - </span>If you're going to join a gang, know that you should be ready to follow orders.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Hunt -</span> The left got so mad at anti-vaxxers that they started hunting them for sport.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The New Mutants - </span>Some superheroes experience a horror movie.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Arkansas - </span>A waste of a lot of great actors. This started great and went downhill fast.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Holidate - </span>A mildly amusing Netflix romcom.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Paint - </span>Some artists paint things and are inappropriate with their mothers.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Babyteeth - </span>A chronically ill girl starts dating a drug dealer for some reason.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Mafia Inc - </span>Any contractor working on the Death Star knew the risk involved. This tailor apparently doesn't.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Invisible Man - </span>A decent horror movie probably. If you like that sort of thing.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Gentlemen - </span>I was going to say it feels like a mediocre Guy Ritchie movie, then I realized it is one.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Trial of the Chicago 7 - </span>It has it's moments I guess, but too much of the plot is a red herring.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Bacarau - </span>The arthouse equivalent of <i>The Hunt</i>.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">#Alive - </span>It's a zombie movie that will satisfy your zombie movie craving.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Tenet - </span>Christopher Nolan rewrites <i>Inception</i> to make it more confusing.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Possessor - </span>A background look into what Facebook does with your data.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">I Propose We Never See Each Other Again After Tonight - </span>An indie romcom I wanted to love, but ultimately did not.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Broken Hearts Gallery - </span>I think I have a lot of stuff in my basement I could contribute to this gallery.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Unpregnant - </span>A more light-hearted <i>Never Rarely Sometimes Always</i>.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">His House - </span>There's demons in the house and it's like, a metaphor.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Assistant - </span>Julia Garner has a boring day at work.<b> <br /></b><span style="font-weight: bold;">Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga - </span>Thank you so much for Jaja Ding Dong. And Dan Stevens.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Freaky - </span>There's some great scenes in this otherwise mediocre horror/comedy.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Martin Eden - </span>A dude learns to read in order to impress a girl or something.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Antarctica - </span>Some teenagers act like weirdos but not in a funny enough way.</div><div style="clear: left; float: left; font-weight: bold; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></div><div style="clear: left; float: left; font-weight: bold; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;">THE UGLY:</div><div style="clear: left; float: left; font-weight: bold; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></div><div style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Death to 2020 - </span>By the time this came out, most of the good jokes had already been made online by someone else.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Valley Girl - </span>I hoped for awesomely bad, but this was just bad. Really, really bad.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Dogs Don’t Wear Pants - </span>A boring movie about BDSM.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Hillbilly Elegy - </span>Famous actresses attempt to win awards by playing poor characters with drug addictions.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">To All the Boys: P.S. I Still Love You - </span>If the first movie felt like it was written by a twelve-year-old, this one was written by a Twitter bot.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Prom - </span>Dawson's Creek covered this in the nineties more effectively and with a better soundtrack.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Fatman - </span>The premise is so good. The execution is so, so bad.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Wonder Woman 1984 - </span>A two hour motivational speech.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Personal History of David Copperfield - </span>Some boring stuff happens to uninteresting characters.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Run - </span>Literally exactly what you would expect.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Ham On Rye - </span>Close to being weirdly great, ended up being weirdly dull.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Faith Based - </span>I would like to make a faith-based movie. It would be funnier than this supposed comedy.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Project Power -</span> Cops do drugs that give them superpowers. As if the military budget wasn't enough.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">We Are Little Zombies - </span>A group of orphans start a band that is mostly terrible.</div><div style="clear: left; float: left; font-weight: bold; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></div><div style="clear: left; float: left; font-weight: bold; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;">CINEMATIC TRAVESTIES:</div><div style="clear: left; float: left; font-weight: bold; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></div><div style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Wild Mountain Thyme - </span>This is marked as a travesty, but it's also a glorious train wreck of nonsense.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Tax Collector - </span>Shia Labeouf got a full back tattoo for this movie and he's in it for maybe fifteen minutes.</div></span></div><div style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><br /></b></span></div><br />Dear Filmmakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16821218729910317499noreply@blogger.com03093 S Oak Rd, Davison, MI 48423, USA42.989000999999988 -83.49631516.361444187572022 -118.652565 69.616557812427956 -48.340064999999996tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3842229596448725018.post-32804795466605267972020-02-06T21:51:00.001-05:002020-02-06T21:52:22.725-05:00The Top Fifteen Films of 2019.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Sometimes, when narrowing down a top ten list, it becomes overwhelming and you decide to cheat and make a top fifteen instead. There were a lot of strong films in 2019; and while I am extremely annoyed that a lot of them barely got limited December releases, soon we will have successfully killed off the theater industry and we'll be able to watch the Oscar-grabs on Netflix instead of only in LA and New York. Not that I want the industry to die—it's just going to happen and I've accepted it. Even Scorsese is sold on Netflix, and he won't even watch a superhero movie. I suppose I'll quit rambling now and get to it.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>15. Under the Silver Lake</b></span><br />
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This beautiful mess of a movie is filled with just as many bad ideas as it is good ones, it never fully makes sense, and it probably isn't supposed to. Some weirdos on the Internet will tell you there are hidden codes throughout the film that explains it all, but they are likely just as obsessive as the film's main character. The plot goes something like this: There's a dog killer on the lose, the neighbor girl disappears, there's an owl lady who kills men, and there may be a secret society placing messages in all of popular culture. I promise at least one of those mysteries gets solved in this entry-level surrealist mystery.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>14. Booksmart</b></span><br />
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High school comedies comparatively disappeared post their peak with <i>Mean Girls</i> in 2004. And when they do pop up in theaters despite mostly relegating themselves to Netflix TV shows, they have become decidedly different. I'm not sure if <i>21 Jump Street</i> kicked it off, or just explicitly pointed it out, but the cliques of the eighties are dead and everybody is friends now. There are still jocks, theater nerds, burnouts, and school sluts; but they're all friends now and they all hang out. Except for Amy and Molly, who have spent their entire high school experience passing on parties in order to achieve academic greatness. And they do. They get into great colleges—the pride of which is short-lived, because all the other kids did too. So these two nerds decide it's time to party. And to their surprise, the popular kids are actually pretty cool. Like most comedies, <i>Booksmart </i>won't change your life, but it's a very funny movie that we don't get enough of.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>13. Marriage Story</b></span><br />
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If you don't know by now, this movie should be called <i>Divorce Story,</i> and as someone who loves to watch relationships disintegrate, I'm surprised the execution of <i>Marriage Story</i> didn't hit me harder. It still worked, as evidenced by its presence here. Adam Driver and Scarlett Johansson give great performances, and they have particularly lovely bouts of shouting at least once or twice. Unfortunately, they also let lawyers get involved, and while Ray Liotta and Laura Dern also do a fine job, I apparently don't enjoy the legal logistics of relationships ending as much as I do the emotional torment. However, most of the country is divorced, so maybe a good custody battle is what they need. Either way, the whole movie is worth it just for the scene in which Adam Driver gets served with divorce papers.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>12. Pain and Glory</b></span><br />
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Tarantino and Scorsese may not make this list, but it's not beneath me to give at least one lauded auteur some recognition. Director Pedro Almodovar is getting serious in his old age, and his protagonist in <i>Pain and Glory</i> has little to laugh about. Antonio Banderas plays an aging filmmaker who spends his life in constant pain due to various physical ailments, and spends the film reflecting on his past and developing a minor heroin addiction. It's hard for me to sell this movie to you as it's mostly about an old man in pain—not just physical, of course—looking back on his past through various avenues: the lens of his childhood; his former works; and former lovers. Yes, there are plenty of foreign language films about rich old artists and their regrets to choose from, but I have yet to find one that I don't like.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>11. Long Shot</b></span><br />
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If you're like me, you probably avoided <i>Long Shot</i> because a movie about Seth Rogen dating the Secretary of State—Charlize Theron, no less—sounded a bit lazy. After all, we already saw <i>Knocked Up;</i> who is this zany Rogen fellow going to date next? Of course, I eventually watched it, and it turns out it's a funny romcom with a bit of satire thrown in. Bob Odenkirk plays the President, who has decided to not seek a second term as he prefers to pursue a career as an actor. Theron is his candidate of choice, so long as her environmental plan doesn't cost big business to much money. Theron hires Rogen to make her speeches more likable (she's a bit of a Hilary at first), and when they start dating, she clearly has to hide him because he has an embarrassing wardrobe (among other negative traits). At times it feels more like a buddy comedy than a romantic one, as Theron and Rogen's ability to riff off one another carries the whole thing. There's also the distinct possibility that I only like this movie so much because I thought it would be terrible.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>10. One Cut of the Dead</b></span><br />
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For the first third of this movie, I was wondering how in the world it was considered so great. Then a realization started to materialize, and the last third hit it home. Sam Mendes may have faked a single take in <i>1917,</i> but the first 37 minutes of <i>One Cut of the Dead </i>are an actual, albeit odd, single take. What starts out as a low budget zombie movie, turns into an amazing comedic satire. It also made $30 million on a $25,000 budget, which means it made about $130 million more in profit than <i>Cats </i>did. If you're wondering why this synopsis is so short, it's because not knowing what you're watching is half the fun of this film; and yes, I realize that me not giving you anymore information means that you'll never watch it. But you weren't going to watch it anyway because it has subtitles and you are soft.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>9. Midsommar</b></span><br />
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While I found Ari Aster's first film, <i>Hereditary, </i>merely adequate, I was fond of some of the bolder choices it made. Enter <i>Midsommar, </i>Aster's follow up<i>—</i>an endless buffet of bold choices. A break-up comedy set in the context of a <i>Wicker Man</i>-like Swedish death cult, this film has something for the whole family to love. Sometimes it takes a few suicides and sex rituals to prove to yourself you should break up with someone. Sneakily funny and probably too graphic to watch with your mom, <i>Midsommar </i>eventually reveals the secret to navigating this terrifying life: Finding the people you belong with and shrieking with them in collective agony. Also, you probably shouldn't watch this on a first date. Or any date. In fact, don't watch this movie at all unless you're a very curious person.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>8. The Two Popes</b></span><br />
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Admittedly, I am a sucker for movies where two people just talk to each other for two hours, so let's just get that justification out of the way. There's also some flashbacks, so don't worry—it's not just two stuffy, old Cardinals bickering the whole time. Sometimes it's like that, but they also eat pizza and talk about their feelings. Pope #1 is very politically savvy, and clearly wants the achievement of being the Pope. Pope #2 is more down to Earth, and cares mostly about poor people and soccer. I like to imagine this movie as Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders having a beer together, but also having rational, professional, and respectful conversations even they disagree almost entirely with the other person. The only thing these two popes agree on is that a magical man in the sky created humanity and is watching to make sure we confess our sins before eating priestly crackers and grape juice.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>7. Jojo Rabbit</b></span><br />
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Jojo is an enthusiastic, ten-year-old Nazi, and his imaginary friend is none other than the Fuhrer himself. Taika Waititi plays a bumbling Adolf Hitler who shares Jojo's concerns when they discover Jojo's mother is hiding a young Jewish girl in their home. <i>Jojo Rabbit </i>manages to navigate between farcical comedy, sharp satire, and tragedy all at once; and while some tonal shifts are more abrupt than others, it works more often than it doesn't in what is ultimately more of a comedy than it is anything else. Sam Rockwell and Steven Merchant show up and offer some of the best laughs, and I doubt you'll find anyone who'll argue that Waititi's portrayal of Hitler is flattering. So, watch <i>JoJo Rabbit </i>and have a few laughs. Maybe you'll also subconsciously pick up the notion that you shouldn't believe everything your government tells you.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>6. Little Women</b></span><br />
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I have not read the book, and I've never seen another adaptation, so I'll claim that <i>Little Women</i> feels crafted by Greta Gerwig, but if it's the other way around, feel free to correct me. Greta Gerwig is a Jo—or at least plays one in all of her films—a smart, independent woman with artistic vision. The dynamic between the four sisters is a spectacle of personality, and it's no wonder that Laurie looms in the background trying to join this family by any means necessary. The ending of this iteration takes a modern twist to the source material, as does the narrative as it swaps between time periods. It's a well done movie for just about everyone, and it showcases that not all movies about disappointing boys needs to involve a ritual sacrifice.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>5. Knives Out</b></span><br />
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<i>Knives Out</i> is just fun. There are a bunch of characters, one of them tried to kill an old man, and Daniel Craig wants to know who did it. It may sound like a movie you've seen before—and it is—but it's a very well done version of a plot that has been made poorly plenty of times. Beyond the allure of figuring out who committed the murder and why, <i>Knives Out </i>is darkly funny, socially conscious, and takes more than one left turn. The cast of potential murderers includes Chris Evans, Jamie Lee Curtis, Michael Shannon, Don Johnson, and Toni Collette; all of whom play greedy, mean white people to their various strengths. The only person in the house that isn't a suspect is the maid. We know she didn't do it because she can't lie without vomiting. See Pinocchio? Someone always has it worse.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>4. The Art of Self-Defense</b></span><br />
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Jesse Eisenberg plays a timid man with a woman's name and a feminine dog. Because of his obvious weakness (and lack of a gun), a group of motorcyclists beat him up and take his wallet. He cries. Crying is not masculine. So, in order to toughen up, he decides to learn karate. "Karate is a thing for men." <i>The Art of Self-Defense </i>is an absurdly dry satire in which every ridiculous thing someone says is delivered completely void of expression. I loved every second of it. This movie is endlessly quotable, and I'm concerned if everyone had seen it, they would have ruined it like they did with <i>Napoleon Dynamite</i>. That being said, if you couldn't stand the deadpan delivery in something like <i>The Lobster</i>, this movie will drive you mad. But being mad is a masculine trait. Being mad is good.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>3. Honey Boy</b></span><br />
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Shia LaBeouf is one of the most interesting people in Hollywood. We watched him grow up on <i>Even Stevens;</i> develop into a major sidekick in <i>Transformers, Constantine, </i>and <i>Indiana Jones</i>; and then we mostly just observed his mental breakdown from 2013-present. While I'm not sure the mental breakdown is over, it has at least died down lately; and 2019 has been a good year for Shia. <i>The Peanut Butter Falcoln</i> was rather enjoyable, and <i>Honey Boy</i> is absolutely fantastic. Shia LaBeouf plays a version of his own father in the film, assisting his adolescent actor son. And by assist, I mean that he picks him up from set, mocks the size of his penis, and bums him Malboro cigarettes. Everyone knows that good dads smoke Pall Malls. It'd be easy to make him the villain, but where <i>Honey Boy</i> shines is that the father is a fully-developed character. Sure, he's not the best dad, but life is hard. This film was written by Labeouf while he was in rehab, so it's truly a piece of cinematic therapy. And really, that's all cinema should be.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>2. Parasite</b></span><br />
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The foreign language film that actually convinced Americans to go see it, <i>Parasite</i> is the rare movie that lives up to the hype. I've been telling you all to watch Korean movies for years, but no one ever listens to me. This isn't even one of the best ones! Director Bong Joon Ho is batting 100% in my book, so if you're looking to delve deeper into international cinema after your grandma convinced you to see <i>Parasite, </i>the rest of his filmography isn't a bad place to start. <i>Parasite </i>is about a very poor family who steals wifi from the neighbors and folds pizza boxes for extra cash. When the son in the family gets a job tutoring the daughter of a rich family, he begins hatching schemes to get other family members hired as well. It's a tale of two completely different classes of people, living in the same city, and experiencing life in a completely different way from another. It also goes off the rails fairly fast, and is as much a comedy as it is a social satire. You'll like it. I promise.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>1. Portrait of a Lady on Fire</b></span><br />
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So, this is why I hate limited December releases. When I put together my <a href="http://dearfilmmaker.blogspot.com/2019/12/top-50-films-of-decade.html" target="_blank">top 50 of the decade</a>, I thought <i>Portrait of a Lady on Fire</i> came out in 2020. And it does, but it also showed in New York/LA for like twenty minutes, so it counts as 2019. It also didn't get submitted for the Oscars, which proves that the French are as foolish as Academy voters. Although, to be fair, I actually haven't seen <i>Les Miserables (</i>which they submitted instead). The film is about an 18th century female artist, Marianne, who has the luxury of not having to marry in order to succeed in life. She is hired to paint the portrait of a bride-to-be, so that her future husband can have a look before he takes the plunge. Seems like an awful lot of trouble just to send a selfie. Adding to the trouble, she has been asked to paint in secret as her subject, Heloise, refuses to pose for any painter. Under the guise of being "a companion for walks," Marianne paints Heloise in secret, sneaking glances and scribbling sketches of her when Heloise turns away. Most every shot could be a painting on its own, and the chemistry between the two actresses is undeniable. As their relationship grows and inevitably falls apart, the film never stops feeling authentic. Maybe you don't like movies about French women staring at each other, but this is my list, and this is the greatest movie about two women staring at each other of all time.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">EVERYTHING ELSE:</span><br />
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<b>COULD EASILY REPLACE 10-15 DEPENDING ON MY MOOD:</b><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The Farewell </b>- A Chinese grandma is dying of cancer and no one will tell her. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The Last Black Man in San Francisco </b>- A guy got evicted but still loves his house.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Hustlers</b> - Basically </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>Goodfellas,</i> but with strippers and more realistic friendships.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The Breaker Upperers</b> - You can pay these women to break up with your boyfriend.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Brittany Runs a Marathon</b> - I thought it would be too sentimental but it was much more genuine.</span></div>
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<b>THE GOOD:</b></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Waves</b> - A great movie ruined by its pivotal narrative moment.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Motherless Brooklyn </b>- The only 2 and a half hour movie I didn't notice was too long.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The Man Who Killed Don Quixote </b>- Adam Driver has a self-reflective acid trip.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Avengers: Endgame</b> - I literally don't remember this movie.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Captain Marvel</b> - Something about an alien cat.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum</b> - Keanu Reeves fights things for a third time.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Once Upon a Time... in Hollywood</b> - A collection of amusing scenes.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Ready or Not</b> - Marriage usually doesn't result in murder this quickly.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Monos</b> - Some kids steal a lady.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Ford V Ferrari </b>- Christian Bale drives fast.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Long Day's Journey Into Night </b>- A long journey before the movie finally gets good.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Shadow </b>- They fight with umbrellas. What else do you need to know?</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>1917 </b>- A war movie.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>In Fabric </b>- A dress kills people for some reason.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Uncut Gems </b>- Adam Sandler makes terrible choices, just like he does in real life.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Transit</b> - A strong drama about falling in love and escaping from Nazis.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood </b>- Tom Hanks is super awkward.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Tigers are Not Afraid</b> - Some kids fight with gang members.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Richard Jewell </b>- I think we can all agree to hate the news media.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Dark Waters </b>- I think we can all agree that corporations are poisoning us.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The Standoff At Sparrow Creek </b>- A poor man's </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>Reservoir Dogs.</i></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The Report </b>- Adam Driver reads internal memos for five years.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Yesterday</b> - Everyone forgets who The Beatles are. I discover that The Beatles are good.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Plus One </b>- Two people who should clearly date start dating.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The Peanut Butter Falcon </b>- Shia LaBeouf kidnaps a boy with Down's Syndrome and makes him wrestle a large man.</span></div>
<span id="docs-internal-guid-8cd83209-7fff-8ba4-d240-f25289e879e6"><b style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; font-weight: bold; white-space: pre-wrap;">Diamantino </b><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;">- An idiotic soccer star dreams of puppies and saving refugees.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Good Boys </b>- Some kids get into trouble and it's funnier than I thought it would be.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Chained for Life </b>- A diegetic horror movie is made with real life "freaks" as the actors.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Always Be My Maybe </b>- Decent even aside from the brilliant cameo.</span></div>
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<b>STILL KIND OF GOOD:</b><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The Forest of Love</b> - Some kids make a fictional movie about a real life pop star murdering people.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Shazam </b>- A superhero movie with family values.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Bombshell </b>- Kate McKinnon made me laugh, but that's about it.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>High Life </b>- Robert Pattinson gets weird in space.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b style="font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal;">Joker </b><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">- Just watch <i>You Were Never Really Here</i>. It's the same movie but better.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The King </b>- Timothee Chalamet starts off as a promising drunkard, but then becomes king.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>A Rainy Day in New York </b>- Timothee Chalamet does a Woody Allen impression.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Better Days </b>- A girl is bullied and hires a boy to protect her. It becomes an after school special.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Queen and Slim </b>- A Black couple kills a cop in self-defense on their first date.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Stockholm - </b>Ethan Hawke robs a bank.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The Perfection </b>- Musicians are all psychopaths</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>A Hidden Life</b> - I'd love it if it was an hour shorter.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b style="font-size: 14.6667px;">An Elephant Sitting Still </b><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">- I'd love it if it was 2 hours shorter (it's four hours).</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>To Dust </b>- Matthew Broderick and a Hasidic Jew learn about decomposing pigs.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Dolemite is My Name </b>- Eddie Murphy tells dirty jokes and makes a B movie.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Freaks</b> - Superheroes shouldn't hide in houses.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Ad Astra </b>- Brad Pitt had daddy issues in space.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The Beach Bum</b> - Basically a documentary of what I imagine Matthew McConaughey's life is like.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The Irishman </b>- 1/3 Goodfellas, 1/3 original content, 1/3 Godfather Part III.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Ash is Purest White</b> - A lady goes to jail for her man and he forgets about her.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Pokemon Detective Pikachu</b> - </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>Deadpool</i> for children.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Greener Grass </b>- So delightfully weird I can't describe it.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Zombieland: Double Tap </b>- It's </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>Zombieland </i>again. It's that simple, really.<b style="font-style: normal;"> </b></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b style="font-size: 14.6667px; font-style: normal;">The Death of Dick Long </b><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">- A tragicomedy about some Nickelback fans who have weird hobbies.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial";"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>THE NEUTRAL:</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Aladdin </b>- I cringed so hard for the first five minutes, but it's not Disney's worst live action remake.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Polar </b>- A hitman tries to retire.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Late Night </b>- A mean, old lady learns to be friendly. And hip.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>It Chapter 2 </b>- Some grownups kill a clown.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Velvet Buzzsaw </b>- Paintings kill things.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Rocketman </b>- Elton John drank a lot more than I thought he did.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Atlantics </b>- The boys in town leave on a boat and a girl is sad.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Aniara </b>- </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>Passengers</i> except everyone is awake and going stir crazy.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>THE AWESOMELY BAD:</b></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Last Christmas </b>- A literal interpretation of a Wham song. It's so bad it's good.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial";"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>THE BAD:</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Harpoon </b>- Idiots get themselves stranded on a boat.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Brightburn </b>- Superman is evil as a child.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The Souvenir </b>- A woman gets financially taken advantage of by her scumbag boyfriend.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The Lighthouse </b>- Two fools shout nonsense at each other.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Harriet </b>- A movie you watched in 7th grade history class, but with a higher budget.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Us </b>- Tried and failed to entertain and/or provide any social commentary.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Oh, Ramona </b>- A kid gets laid for the first time.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Happy Death Day 2U </b>- A sequel to a good movie. It's the same movie.</span></div>
<b style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Nightingale </b><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;">- A woman gets mad and seeks revenge but then is too wimpy to take it.</span><br />
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<b>CINEMATIC TRAVESTIES:</b><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Glass</b> - They arbitrarily made a trilogy just to provide us with this garbage.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Blinded by the Light - </b>A Pakistani teen is too obsessed with Bruce Springsteen.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Between Two Ferns: The Movie </b>- Zach Galifianakis makes people feel awkward.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Climax </b>- People dance and take drugs and do bad things.</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Her Smell </b><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">- Elisabeth Moss pisses people off—including the viewer—for two hours.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>Dear Filmmakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16821218729910317499noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3842229596448725018.post-90747279575738198752019-12-31T03:31:00.000-05:002020-01-01T11:20:17.512-05:00Top 50 Films of the Decade.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This is the first decade in which I was an adult the whole time, and I'm not sure if that makes me more or less qualified to arbitrarily rank films. I do know that I watched over eight hundred movies this decade and liked at least three of them, so I at minimum have a thorough library to pull from. I also put out a top ten list every year this decade so I've had an easier time keeping track of the films I watched. I wish I'd had that frame of reference when haphazardly throwing together my top 50 of the 2000's ten years ago. It's fun to look back on those lists and wonder: What was I thinking when I ranked <i>Chi-Raq </i>my favorite film of 2015? Why did I initially have so much hatred towards 2010? In what year did I finally stop putting two spaces after a sentence?<br />
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So here are my top fifty films of the decade. These are the movies that have floated around in my head since their release. Some of them I didn't even initially like. Of course, there are plenty of terrible movies that have floated around in my head too, but I've spared you those. You'll notice a general lack of 2019 films, and I promise I've seen most of them. The only one that needs to be on this list is present, although maybe given some time a few more may have snuck on. There are also no documentaries or animated movies, because you don't need me to tell you those are good. Finally, there aren't any superhero movies (although <i>Logan </i>or <i>Guardians of the Galaxy</i> may have been close) because I tend to side with Scorsese—they're fun but forgettable. To be fair, I also feel that way about most of Scorsese's movies too.<br />
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<b>50. Crazy, Stupid, Love</b><br />
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I'm going to sneak this one in at fifty. If I were a bit more objective, there are a few more deserving films for this spot, but this is my list and <i>Crazy, Stupid, Love </i>is permanently etched into my brain. Despite a few nauseatingly bad speeches about love, this movie about how Steve Carrell got his groove back is a very rewatchable romantic comedy that features Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone before they started singing, and perhaps the greatest villain of the decade: David Lindhagen.<br />
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<b>49. Four Lions</b><br />
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There are a few comedies sprinkled throughout this list, but none of the others are about idiots trying to become suicide bombers. They aren't particularly religious, it just seems like the trendy thing to do. They spend their time strapping bombs to birds, listening to EDM music, and deciding whether or not they should blow up a mosque as a false flag operation. Off the top of my head, I can't think of any other terrorism comedies—likely for good reason—yet, somehow jihad has never seemed so light-hearted.<br />
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<b>48. Damsels In Distress</b><br />
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I will admit that this is here in part because Greta Gerwig deserves to be on this list somewhere. <i>Frances Ha</i> and <i>20th Century Women</i> are also delightful. <i>Damsels In Distress</i> is less acclaimed than Gerwig's other works, but the entire point of the movie is deadpan humor, and that's what works for me. Gerwig and friends run the campus Suicide Prevention Center, attempt to start a dance craze, and try to provide soap to the dormitory residents in order to improve hygiene and prevent suicide. There's a vague plot, but it's mostly just one liners and silly, well-written rambling that makes me smile.<br />
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<b>47. The Big Sick</b><br />
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It might seem daunting to make a romantic comedy in which the female lead is in a coma for half the film, but <i>The Big Sick</i> pulls it off by sneaking in some cultural and familial themes. Kumail, an aspiring stand up comedian, meets Emily, and they engage in romantic bliss for a while until Emily discovers that her and Kumail can never be together because his parents require him to marry a woman from Pakistan. Then she gets mysteriously ill, Ray Romano shows up, and Kumail—to falsely summarize—falls in love with her family which changes his mind. There's plenty of fun to be had in learning about other cultures this decade; see <i>The Farewell </i>or <i>Crazy, Rich, Asians</i> if you're seeking more.<br />
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<b>46. Silver Linings Playbook</b><br />
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I absolutely hate the title of this film, and at times (during the film), I want to punch Bradley Cooper in the face, but I also can't get Jennifer Lawrence yelling sports statistics at Robert DeNiro out of my head, so that's why this movie is here. This movie is about how being depressed and bipolar is a lot easier to deal with if you look like Jennifer Lawrence or Bradley Cooper. It's also about how having a gambling addiction is a fun, light-hearted hobby that always works out. Ten years from now, I'm going to look at this list and wonder why this is here, but then I'll watch the movie and I'll understand again.<br />
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<b>45. Burning</b><br />
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It's never really quite clear what is going on in <i>Burning</i>, and if you're a loser like me, you probably need to watch it twice to truly appreciate it. It's been creeping around my brain since I didn't include it in my 2018 top ten, and now it's landed in my top 50 of the decade. Hindsight, people. There's a romantic love triangle, some artistic burning of greenhouses, and a genre change or two. At this point, we should probably just all accept that if a South Korean film is easily accessible to us in America, it's probably great.<br />
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<b>44. Cloud Atlas</b><br />
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<i>Cloud Atlas </i>takes place in six different time periods, with six different actors each playing six different roles of varying races and genders, and took three directors and 100 million dollars to make. You might as well see it, just because nothing like it is ever going to be made again. It's a delightfully ambitious mess; containing both a narrative in which clones attempt to overthrow the government and another where a group of old people try to escape from a retirement home. You'll probably hate it, but I don't care.<br />
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<b>43. The Lure</b><br />
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How many times can you accidentally watch a movie before you have to include it in your top fifty? The answer appears to be about six, because I can't stop watching this Polish musical about pop star mermaids. This film is all style and has almost no plot, but every frame is pretty, moody and ludicrous. It's everything I wish Gaspar Noe movies were but never are. It's literally just about two mermaids who can temporarily grow feet in order to sing creepy songs, fall in love with human boys, and occasionally eat people.<br />
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<b>42. Midnight In Paris</b><br />
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I still love this movie, but it's worn out over time. The ridiculous portrayals of 1920's auteurs like Hemingway and Dali will forever hold a place in my heart, but I need Woody Allen to stop having actors do a Woody Allen impression in his movies. Timothee Chalamet almost killed me in <i>A Rainy Day in New York</i>. Owen Wilson does mix in just enough Owen Wilson here, and <i>Midnight in Paris</i> is an original and well-written fairy tale about the dangers of nostalgic thinking. I hope I'm wrong, but after almost a decade of dull rehashes I'm going to guess that this is the last great film we'll see from Woody Allen.<br />
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<b>41. Manchester By The Sea</b><br />
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Casey Affleck's primary job is to be sad. In <i>A Ghost Story</i>, he wandered around with a sheet on his head the entire time and still looked sad. Still, he's at his saddest in <i>Manchester By The Sea</i>; in which he plays a broken man who can barely take care of himself, burdened with the responsibility of taking care of his nephew. He can't do it. If you like movies about grief, anguish, and crippling self-loathing, then this is the movie for you! These are the movies I like. I'm sorry.<br />
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<b>40. The Witch</b><br />
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<i>The Witch</i> is about a girl who pretends to be a witch to tease her siblings, and then gets accused of being a witch because people keep disappearing and her siblings are brats. It takes place in the 1600's, when people still believed in God, and thus everyone gets a little riled up. The period realism and bleak story of paranoia is probably outside your standard expectations of a horror movie, but stick around until the end and you'll spend at least three years thinking about it. In fact, it's probably better to think fondly of later than it is to watch again.<br />
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<b>39. The Skin I Live In</b><br />
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Pedro Almodovar's films are always worthwhile, and the excellent <i>Pain and Glory </i>will widely be considered his greatest work of this decade. However, I'm a bit unhinged and <i>The Skin I Live In</i> is my pick. What starts out as a story of a grieving scientist obsessed with creating the perfect skin graft, quickly tailspins into an <i>Oldboy-</i>level tale of revenge. This could have been a hack job of a film in the hands of another director, but Almodovar makes it beautifully bizarre and disgusting.<br />
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<b>38. Ex Machina</b><br />
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If there's one thing we can be sure of, it's that robots, Google, or the uber rich will destroy us all. In the case of <i>Ex Machina</i>, all are a factor. The uber rich founder of the world's leading search engine invites Domhnall Gleeson to his massive compound to test out the AI he is working on. Gleeson, being a nerdy programmer, flirts with the robot and mind games ensue. Despite the high tech robot effects, the film remains rooted in its characters and the power struggle between them. Even mechanical women are evil.<br />
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<b>37. Enemy</b><br />
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Denis Villeneuve has had quite the decade. He made <i>Incendies, Prisoners, Enemy, Sicario, Arrival, </i>and <i>Blade Runner 2049</i>. In one decade. If you decided any of those films were one of your favorites of the decade, I wouldn't be mad. And while we will find another of his films (much) later in this list, let me take a moment to tell you that I finished watching <i>Enemy</i>, and then immediately watched the entire thing again. It's about Jake Gyllenhaul discovering that there is another Jake Gyllenhaul, and the rest of the movie he's trying to figure out why and how. There are also spiders. Enjoy.<br />
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<b>36. Why Don't You Play In Hell?</b><br />
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Have you ever organized a sword battle between opposing Yakuza groups and hired an amateur filmmaker to film a movie about it starring your daughter in order to impress your recently paroled wife who went to jail for killing gang members in your defense? No? Well, director Sion Sono has more fun than you. I would like to point out, that despite the synopsis I've given, this is one of the least weird Sono films in existence. I need to stop thinking about Sono now, or <i>The Forest of Love </i>will end up on this list too.<br />
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<b>35. Hell or High Water</b><br />
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Looking back on the last few entries, this is an abnormally normal film to include next. It's a simple story of two brothers robbing banks and trying to get away with it. By their logic, their just "robbing the bank that's been robbing them for thirty years," and most of their peers in the dying rural towns they pass through seem to agree. The action elements of the film are present but downplayed. The strength here is in character building and a good script. This is one of the few movies on this list I would recommend to just about anyone with no need for a disclaimer of any sort.<br />
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<b>34. Take This Waltz</b><br />
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It's weird for me to call <i>Take This Waltz</i> a tiny drama, since the leads are Michelle Williams and Seth Rogen, but about three people saw it in US theatres, so I will. Maybe everyone was sick of Seth Rogen in 2012—Michelle Williams sure is. Rogen plays a delightful chicken chef whose wife (Williams) spends her days flirting with the neighbor. It's a simple movie driven by strong performances and smart direction. Some day we'll find a man for Michelle Williams to stay with, but this wasn't her decade. She's already left two relationships throughout this list and there's one more to go.<br />
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<b>33. Nightcrawler</b><br />
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Jake Gyllenhaul is terrifying as Lou Bloom, a man looking for work who discovers he can film accidents and crime scenes and sell the footage to news networks. He quickly starts his own business, hires an intern he can amusingly take advantage of, and starts profiting off of other people's tragedy. He becomes increasingly unhinged and overaggressive, willing to do anything to get the right shot. This would have worked if it were just Gyllenhaul being terrifying, but it's also a very well-written thriller.<br />
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<b>32. EMO: The Musical</b><br />
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First of all, I'm serious. Second of all, I watch a lot of random trash movies on Netflix and occasionally find brilliance. If people can sit through garbage like <i>To All The Boys I've Loved Before, </i>I need more people to see this ridiculous movie that I love way too much. All the characters are mostly just caricatures, so don't expect to be moved, but there are enough witty pokes at religion and high school stereotypes for everyone. It's like <i>Glee</i> before it got bad.<br />
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<b>31. What We Do In The Shadows</b><br />
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I wish I could say that this was the best mockumentary of the decade, but the first season of <i>American Vandal</i> exists, so I can't. However, this tale of socially awkward vampires living together is the best one on film (or I guess it's all digital now, whatever). It spawned a TV spinoff that I didn't watch as well, so if you don't believe me, trust commerce. Rhys Darby makes a delightful appearance as the leader of a band of werewolves determined to cut back on their cursing (Werewolves not Swearwolves), but our friendly vamps remain the heart of the movie as they avoid vampire hunters and "The Beast."<br />
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<b>30. Scott Pilgrim Vs The World</b><br />
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I know. I hate Michael Cera too. But I love Kieran Culkin and Edgar Wright, so I have to overrule myself. The characters here are all shallow, but that seems to be consistent with the world they've created, and that's the only universe that Michael Cera really fits into. This is a ridiculous blend of videogame culture, vegan jokes, and CGI effects, but it all somehow works—even though the plot is that Michael Cera has to defeat all of his girlfriend's exes in battle if he is allowed to continue dating her.<br />
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<b>29. Cabin In The Woods</b><br />
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There were plenty of self-aware horror comedies this decade—honorable mentions to <i>Tucker and Dale Versus Evil </i>and <i>The Babysitter, </i>but none quite hit home like <i>Cabin in the Woods, </i>which turned the rules of horror movies into a government ritual designed to save the planet from evil gods. If you think that's a spoiler, the movie came out in 2012, so it's your own fault. It's apparent from the start that strings are being pulled, but how much and what for slowly escalate as a basic horror flick becomes a self-aware comedy.<br />
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<b>28. Mud</b><br />
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Jeff Nichols went a little off track for me with <i>Loving </i>and <i>Midnight Special</i>, but <i>Take Shelter </i>and <i>Mud</i> are two of the decade's best dramas. Here we follow two boys, Ellis and Neckbone, as they meet a drifter named Mud, who is trying to reunite with the love of his life. Ellis is a sucker who believes in true love, and we watch as the adults around him slowly deflate his faith and ruin his childhood optimism. We also slowly wait for the inevitable and rewarding payoff of McConaughey removing his shirt.<br />
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<b>27. Margin Call</b><br />
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You may not remember, but the economy crashed in 2008 and ruined a bunch of people's lives. <i>Margin Call</i> is about the board meeting that happened the night before everything came crumbling down, as an investment bank realizes that the economy is screwed, and does everything in their power to save themselves. You might not understand the intricacies, but you don't need to. If you want to, do a double feature with <i>The Big Short</i> and that will help.<br />
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<b>26. The Guest</b><br />
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If <i>Drive </i>were a comedy, you'd get <i>The Guest.</i> Or <i>Baby Driver,</i> but let's not talk about that. A stranger visits the family of a fallen soldier that he served with and is invited to stay for a few days. While there, he beats up some high school bullies, terrifies a school principle, and encourages the youngest in the family to burn down people's houses. Also, a lot of synth pop music plays, and laughter ensues. The thriller element is a bit trite and plays out disappointingly, but for sheer ridiculous fun, <i>The Guest</i> is a solid pick.<br />
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<b>25. Swiss Army Man</b><br />
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I think we've established that I prefer weird to average, so let's talk about the movie in which a talking, farting corpse is a main character. Paul Dano is alone on an island when he happens upon the corpse of Harry Potter, the titular corpse. The two engage on a series of conversations and adventures. The dialogue is both grossly hilarious and weirdly profound, and is best when Dano is attempting to explain the rules of society to his unaware corpse friend, or using his dead body as a useful tool. Corpses are surprisingly versatile.<br />
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<b>24. Dogtooth</b><br />
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<i>Dogtooth</i> is about a family who have indoctrinated their children to believe all sorts of ridiculous things about the world and have closed them off from the rest of society. They are adults who play games of skill in order to win stickers. They think that airplanes fall out of the sky and into their backyard. They think that their brother ran away and was killed by cats. It's a twisted game of abuse that the parents appear to be orchestrating in order to make their children strong. But, as someone who will definitely perform psychological experiments on his children, this all seems a little much.<br />
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<b>23. 21 Jump Street</b><br />
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I thought about moving this to #21 so it would look less awkward, but I'm sticking with my original and highly mathematical rankings. Let's all admit it. After a barrage of terrible reboots, this film had no business being good; but apparently the screenwriter knew this, flipped all the formulas and made one of the best comedies of the decade. Have Jonah Hill and C-Tates be best friends. Smart move. Put the jock in the nerd classes. Great job. Have all the kids at school be anti-bullying and obsessed with the environment. Not so original in film and TV now, but it was in 2012. "Science, bitches!"<br />
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<b>22. About Time</b><br />
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Don't confuse this with a romantic comedy. It's a family drama. I know that it's about time travel, but it's not really about that either, okay? Sure, Tim can go back in time. But the whole point of the movie is that you don't really need to go back in time unless you need to have a quick chat with your dad. Richard Curtis has spent a lifetime riding the edge between genuine and sentimental, and while he always occasionally dips into sentiment, he's written a library of feel-good comedies, and this is his best one. Hell, I'll even admit I liked <i>War Horse</i> a little.<br />
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<b>21. The Big Short</b><br />
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Probably more accessible than <i>Margin Call</i> even though it's more informational, <i>The Big Short</i> explains what exactly happened during the mortgage crisis, while dramatizing the stories of the people who saw it coming and capitalized on it. By the end of the film, you'll be cursing mortgage bankers and rating agencies, and you'll understand why you're so mad because Selena Gomez explained it to you with a blackjack metaphor. Also, there are a lot more likable characters than there are in <i>Vice...</i><br />
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<b>20. Mad Max: Fury Road</b><br />
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Believe it or not, I do like action movies. <i>Edge of Tomorrow</i>, <i>The Raid: Redemption, </i>and <i>John Wick</i> all did wonders this decade. <i>Mad Max</i> is another beast entirely. Practical effects always win out over CGI, so props to George Miller for not getting lazy. Couple the practical effects with the amount of character squeezed into what is essentially a two-hour car chase? We've got another reboot that blew all expectations out of the water.<br />
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<b>19. La La Land</b><br />
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The first half of <i>La La Land</i> is a lot of fun and perfectly adequate. And whenever I second guess myself on why I like this movie so much, I watch the last thirty minutes and I immediately remember. More magical than any musical number is Ryan Gosling rolling up to your house, honking his horn, and calling you a baby. I didn't expect a big budget musical to get bittersweet at the end, but it did—and tastefully. Chazelle also impressed with <i>Whiplash </i>this decade, but that's mostly just two grown men yelling at each other, so <i>La La Land </i>has more staying power.<br />
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<b>18. It Follows</b><br />
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We all know sex is scary, but when you contract a sexually transmitted ghost it becomes terrifying. Sub-textually, it's also terrifying that even though all your male friends know you have a sexually transmitted ghost, they're still crawling all over each other to take it off your hands. The true genius of <i>It Follows</i> is the camerawork, which from the opening scene pans outward, never letting the viewer feel comfortable that they know which way the danger is coming from. See, I like real horror movies sometimes.<br />
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<b>17. Weekend</b><br />
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It's a simple story of boy meets boy, boy sleeps with boy, boy interviews boy about his sexual exploits. Romance ensues. <i>Weekend</i> is simply two dudes getting to know each other over the course of a weekend, intimately capturing the beginning of a new relationship with the knowledge that one of them is leaving the country on Sunday. It's honest and smartly written. There's also less graphic scissoring then there was in <i>Blue Is The Warmest Color</i> which was also very good.<br />
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<b>16. You Were Never Really Here</b><br />
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I'm not really sure why we needed <i>Joker</i> when Joaquin Phoenix had already portrayed a superior rendition of the character only a year prior. Phoenix is deeply troubled, obsessed with his mother, recovering from childhood trauma and loves beating the hell out of scumbags. Sound familiar? Instead of starting a disillusioned stand-up career, here Phoenix tracks down abducted children and beats the hell out their abductors. He also shoots a guy and then holds his hand while he dies. It's a lot more intimate than you'd think.<br />
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<b>15. Hesher</b><br />
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The world suffers from a lack of appreciation towards <i>Hesher</i>. Joseph Gordon-Levitt blasts heavy metal, smokes a bunch of weed, and Deus ex Machina's the hell out of a grieving family. He just shows up to their house and starts living with them. They don't ask a lot of questions. He speaks in ridiculously graphic metaphors to teach them life lessons, he yells at them for not going on walks with Grandma, and he sets the school bully's car on fire. He sets a few things on fire, actually. It's not perfect. The other characters are a bit too mopey and sentimental, but <i>Hesher </i>himself makes up for it.<br />
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<b>14. Parasite</b><br />
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Let's all just accept that the Koreans are taking over cinema and enjoy the benefits. Bong Joon-Ho also did <i>Okja </i>and <i>Snowpiercer</i> this decade, which could easily be on this list, but he outdid himself with 2019's <i>Parasite;</i> in which a poor family slowly works their way into the employ of a wealthy one. What starts out as a comedy, doesn't take long to shoot off in a different direction either. America really needs to work on its dramatic narrative shifts. <i>Parasite</i> may be the only 2019 movie on this list, but let me assure you that it demanded a spot.<br />
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<b>13. Before Midnight</b><br />
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A trilogy in which all three films are great doesn't happen too often, but Linklater added another to the list once he wrapped <i>Before Midnight</i>. Unlike <i>Boyhood</i>, which is a below average movie that you should feel guilty for liking, the <i>Before Trilogy</i> is an intimate look at the lives of two individuals over the course of eighteen years—each film shot nine years apart. <i>Before Midnight</i> finishes out the series with a powerful look the effort required to maintain a long-term commitment. It's basically the best marital dispute ever filmed.<br />
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<b>12. Drive</b><br />
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<i>Drive </i>is a weird movie to arbitrarily rate against others, as it's more of a mood piece than a narrative. Not to say that the narrative doesn't work, it's just about a dude who likes to drive cars and be neighborly—often to grungy electro-pop music. Ryan Gosling doesn't even have a real name in this movie, he's that cool. Thinking about <i>Drive</i> makes me want to watch <i>The Neon Demon</i> again, but nothing will make me watch <i>Only God Forgives </i>again. Even God doesn't forgive that mess.<br />
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<b>11. Gone Girl</b><br />
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<i>Gone Girl </i>made a narrative choice that actually shocked me, and maybe I've never quite recovered from that, but every time I revisit it gets better. All you library nerds are probably laughing at me because I hadn't read the book. It's about terrible people trying to portray themselves as elegant, with a subtext of media frenzy that got terrifyingly more and more accurate as the decade progressed. Let's permanently lock Fincher into thrillers, no more of this Facebook nonsense.<br />
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<b>10.</b> <b>The Great Beauty</b><br />
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A beautifully shot movie about a bored old man pondering the worth of the world, while wandering around Rome, going to parties, and attending more than one strange artistic performances. Jeb is too rich to worry about anything except the existential, and worry he does. For a 65 year old, he attends some pretty lit parties, and occasionally spits fire at his obnoxious friends, but the crux of the film is having an argument with yourself while the camera focuses on pretty pictures.<br />
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<b>9. Hunt For The Wilderpeople</b><br />
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Taika Waititi dominated this decade so much that if I made a list of the best comedies, <i>What We Do In The Shadows, Thor: Ragnarok, Jojo Rabbit,</i> and <i>Hunt for the Wilderpeople</i> would all be on it. <i>Hunt</i> is about a fat boy named Ricky and a gruff old Dr. Alan Grant wandering around the wilderness avoiding the New Zealand equivalent of CPS. Ricky is a self-professed "gangsta" and Dr. Alan Grant is still traumatized from Jurassic Park and hates children. It's a light tale of an odd couple in an odd place, and it's absolutely hilarious.<br />
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<b>8. Brigsby Bear</b><br />
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You'd be hard-pressed to find a more uplifting film about trauma than <i>Brigsby Bear</i>. It's like <i>Room</i>, but funny and more effective. After spending his whole life being raised on and being obsessed with the public access show <i>Brigsby Bear</i>, Kyle Mooney heads out into the real world only to discover that no one else has ever heard of it. In a quest to inform the world, he sets out to make a Brigsby Bear movie, with the help of a group of bored teens, family members, and whoever else is willing to help. Kyle Mooney is weird and awkward, and that's half the fun.<br />
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<b>7. Sing Street</b><br />
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Clearly, I have a thing for movies about music. Hell, <i>Begin Again</i> is top 100. <i>Sing Street</i> is a movie about deciding you like a girl and starting a band to impress her. We've all been there. It's also about creating pop songs and making dramatic stylistic changes as you listen to new influences. Add in a layer of cinematically accelerated skill development, and you've got a lot of great songs, a new lease on life, and probably a girlfriend. There's also a cool, older brother and lots of laughs.<br />
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<b>6. The Lobster</b><br />
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If you do not have a romantic partner, you have 45 days to find one or you are turned into an animal of your choosing. Colin Farrel's choice is a lobster, which is a very smart choice. Yorgos Lanthimos has won my heart this decade through <i>Dogtooth, Killing of a Sacred Deer, </i>and <i>The Favourite, </i>but this is the winner in my book. It's delightfully deadpan, filled with black humor, and it's important to know your identifying trait if you're ever going to meet someone. Colin Farrel's identifying trait is his short-sightedness. Mine is my cynicism.<br />
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<b>5. Shoplifters</b><br />
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At the risk of over ranking it because it came out last year, I'll go ahead and place <i>Shoplifters</i> at number five. It's about a group of misfit Japanese characters living together, stealing food, and occasionally abducting children to join their family. I really don't have anything funny to say about it. It's adorable and I love it. The narrative is mostly aimless, which isn't a bad thing in this case; it's just a bunch of characters living their lives and building relationships.<br />
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<b>4. Brooklyn</b><br />
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A period drama in which no one joins the mafia or gets tricked into becoming a prostitute, <i>Brooklyn </i>is simply about moving to America, missing your mom, falling in love with a boy, and then having to visit your mom, and missing your boyfriend. It's delightfully chaste, but not in an embarrassing way. It's about familial obligation and conflicting loyalties. I also found out two seconds ago it was adapted by Nick Hornby, which explains a lot. Also, how did Domhnall Gleeson manage to sneak into three films on this list?<br />
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<b>3. Arrival</b><br />
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I've thought about it for a few years, and I've decided to forgive the last three minutes and twenty-five seconds of <i>Arrival</i> for beating me over the head in order to make sure I understood the film. Instead, I like to focus on the fact that humanity is doomed and will never be able to get along. <i>Arrival</i> is about two competent scientists trying to communicate with aliens, while everyone else around them panics, rushes to conclusions and makes bad decisions. It's basically everyone's workplace experience.<br />
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<b>2. Blue Valentine</b><br />
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I'm not sure if they just make good film choices, or if I have giant crushes on Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams. It's probably a little bit of both. <i>Blue Valentine</i> is simultaneously adorably romantic and horribly devastating. It overlays scenes of a relationship forming with its evaporation, taking the time to probe deeply into both the beginning and the end. We all want a pretty suitor to woo us with a ukulele, but we also don't want them to try and fix our relationship by taking us to a seedy love hotel when we have to work the next morning. It makes me sad. And it has the best end credits of the decade.<br />
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<b>1. The Handmaiden</b><br />
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I told you. South Korea has won. Chan-wook Park is always visually impressive, and <i>The Handmaiden</i> is no exception, but it also boasts a twisted narrative that starts out as a simple con job. Poor Lady Hideko has a large inheritance just waiting to be claimed, and in the meantime she spends her days reading erotic fiction to creepy men so her uncle can sell books. Count Fujiwara means to claim her inheritance and hang her out to dry with the help of Hideko's new handmaiden. <i>Thirst </i>and <i>Stoker</i> were fine entries into Park's filmography this decade, but <i>The Handmaiden</i> reminds me that it's about time to rewatch <i>Oldboy </i>and <i>Lady Vengeance</i>, which is always a good thing. Please note that I hope my placement of this film causes at least one person to watch it and get upset at the graphic parts that I no longer register as potentially disturbing because I'm beyond desensitized at this point.<br />
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<b>Also, let's all congratulate 2016, as it was clearly the best year of the decade.</b></div>
Dear Filmmakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16821218729910317499noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3842229596448725018.post-38986970338798429972019-02-17T18:10:00.000-05:002019-02-18T10:10:28.625-05:00The Top Ten Films of 2018.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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2018 was the year I realized no one is going to watch a single movie I recommend unless it's available to stream on Netflix or Amazon Prime. I can't really blame them. I saw 120+ movies in 2018 and didn't watch a single one in theaters—as going out in public is nearly as terrifying as the people you encounter there. And while the number of streaming services is exhausting (and only getting worse), take solace in the fact that nearly everything is eventually available to rent from our new overlords at Amazon. That being said, I know you're still more likely to watch <i>The Office</i> for the eleventh time rather than throw Bezos another $4.99, but I'll do my best to put together a list for you. To be honest, that's not even true, because this list is for me and you probably won't like any of these films. Go watch <i>The Office</i> while you still can.<br />
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So let's talk about some movies you've either already seen or are never going to see. We'll start with some random musings before we get to the mostly arbitrary rankings. As always, this list does not include animated films or documentaries, and ties go to the movies I want to write about.<br />
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While most of the Oscar drama this year has been because of the host and the Academy thinking that people don't care about cinematography or editing, that doesn't mean we can't still talk about representation. And sure, maybe we're a few years beyond #OscarsSoWhite (three of the Best Picture nominees even have non-white colors in the name of the film!), representation is still a hot topic at the awards and in cinema as a whole. <i>Black Panther</i> proved this year that audiences of all colors will show up to watch a mediocre movie about black superheroes, <i>To All the Boys I've Loved Before</i> proved that people will watch terrible movies with Asian-American characters as long as they are free to stream on Netflix, and <i>Crazy Rich Asians</i> was a very good rom-com despite being named <i>Crazy Rich Asians</i>. On the sexual orientation front, <i>Love, Simon</i> and <i>Alex Strangelove</i> were both solid romantic comedy entries. <i>Disobedience, The Miseducation of Cameron Post, </i>and <i>Boy Erased</i> were all strong LGBT dramas. <i>Bohemian Rhapsody </i>came out as well, but the Twitter jury is still deciding if that's positive or negative representation.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Most Terrifying Film - <i>Eighth Grade</i></b></span><br />
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I think I finally understand trigger warnings. It's always astonished me when people can't watch movies because they have too much gore or disturbing content. I think I watch too many Asian films. However, if there is one thing that I find absolutely horrific to watch, it is characters repeatedly putting themselves in awkward and embarrassing situations. Think declarations of love that are doomed to fail, or most Ben Stiller movies. Or, in the case of <i>Eighth Grade:</i> watching a teenage girl post cringe-inducing videos to Youtube, going to a party she knows shes not wanted at, or casually mentioning nude photos to impress a boy that has no interest in her. It legitimately took me three hours to watch this ninety minute movie because I had to walk away so many times. That being said, <i>Eighth Grade</i> has a 99% on Rotten Tomatoes, so if you think you might enjoy this horror film, go for it. You've been warned. Available on <a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07FJNMSFN?camp=1789&creativeASIN=B07FJNMSFN&ie=UTF8&linkCode=xm2&tag=justwatch09-20" target="_blank">Amazon Prime</a>.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Best Revenge Film - <i>Revenge</i></b></span><br />
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Nicolas Cage's murderous turn in <i>Mandy </i>is getting a lot of attention this year, and while I understand the draw of a bloody Nicolas Cage, <i>Revenge </i>is a much better film and basically the same thing. <i>Revenge</i> has one or two of my favorite shots from 2018, and would have been featured as the main picture of this article had they been remotely safe for work. The image I've included here is the least gratuitous picture I could find of this film, so keep that in mind if you're the queasy sort. This may have made the top ten if I had the capacity to feel any sort of tension related to life and death, but I have become a monster and death no longer impresses me. As a bonus, if you like to watch girls shoot people, you can also try <i>Assassination Nation. Upgrade </i>is also a very good action/revenge movie, but it's much more of a sci-fi film than a straight counter to <i>Mandy</i>.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><u>The Top Ten</u></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>10. A Simple Favor</b></span></div>
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Remember when the trailer for <i>Sweeney Todd</i> forgot to mention that it was a musical? Or when the trailer for <i>Bridge to Terabithia </i>pretended to be a whimsical fantasy film? Meet <i>A Simple Favor, </i>which was advertised as a thriller and forgot to mention it's pretty much a comedy. Granted, the second act is mostly a thriller, but not a particularly good one (especially post-<i>Gone Girl)</i>, and the final scenes get right back to the snappy one-liners and mom jokes that made the first act so fun. The biggest flaw of the film is that it ventures into the mystery of the main character's disappearance too far, resulting in a few tedious scenes while we wait for the fun to start again. However, if you can embrace the fact that you're not going to be watching <i>Gone Girl 2: Gone Harder, A Simple Favor</i> is a very funny film, with a light mystery for you to puzzle over for about ten minutes.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>9. Game Night</b></span></div>
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<i>A Simple Favor</i> could learn a thing or two from <i>Game Night</i>, which absolutely recognizes itself as a comedy, and accidentally becomes a mini-thriller along the way. American comedies haven't been in the greatest place the last few years, and while <i>Tag </i>and <i>Blockers </i>were watchable, <i>Game Night </i>is a barrage of dark humor and refreshing comedic scenarios that give it an extra edge. Jason Bateman and Rachel McAdams star as an ultra-competitive couple determined to win a game night hosted by Bateman's brother—even after it turns into a real-life kidnapping. Setting <i>Game Night</i> apart from a number of recent comedies is it's strong script. There are setups and payoffs, recurring jokes, and cinematic references. If there is improv in this film, it's not apparent; and more importantly, it doesn't hold up the action. Finally, if there were only one reason to see this film, it's Jesse Plemons. He steals the show as the creepy neighbor, Gary. He just wants to be invited to <i>Game Night, </i>and he knows a lot more about the Frito-Lay corporation than you ever will.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>8. A Quiet Place</b></span></div>
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Did I use the right screenshot? Just in case you live under a cinematic rock, the screenshot to the left is for <i>Bird Box, </i>the 2018 horror movie in which if you see the movie's monster, you die. You all saw this because it's on Netflix. In <i>A Quiet Place</i>, you can look at the monster all you want (and you get to), but if it hears you, you're probably dead. Opposite-yet-the-same concepts, <i>A Quiet Place</i> does it better. Coming in 2019, will be <i>The Smelly Place</i> and <i>Taste Box. </i>I'm getting off track. </div>
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<i>A Quiet Place</i> features almost no dialogue because the monster in <i>A Quiet Place</i> has an extreme sense of hearing. However, since the monster itself is doing the <i>Bird Box</i> Challenge, everyone is safe as long as they don't make a sound. Some of the nuances of this concept require a pretty sizable suspension of disbelief, but if you're not fixated on potential plot holes, it makes for a very enjoyable monster movie. If you're the guy pointing out that they should have just lived under the waterfall, that's fine too. Go watch <i>Roma </i>or something.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>7. Sorry to Bother You</b></span></div>
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And so ends the list of films I can recommend without some sort of disclaimer. <i>Sorry to Bother You</i> follows Cassius Green, a black man who discovers he has a talent for selling products over the phone—when he uses his "white voice." The white voice is not simply Cassius doing an impression of a white person, the voice is quite literally the voice of David Cross (a white person, in case you didn't know). As his coworkers struggle to unionize, Cassius breaks ranks when he is offered a massive promotion to be a Power Caller—a group that sells more than just simple trinkets. From there, the plot goes all sorts of places, which I'll summarize simply as...unique. <i>Sorry to Bother You</i> stands out because it dares to be different, and while it tries to fit too many ideas into one movie, you're definitely not going to forget it. It's very funny at times, social commentary at others and in the end, its downright preposterous. It's a lot more like <i>Brazil</i> than it is <i>Get Out</i>, so get ready to get weird. Available on Hulu, if you're one of the five people who subscribe to that.</div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">6. Bodied</span></b></div>
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<i>Bodied </i>won't freak you out, but it might make you angry because it has a lot of bad words in it. Racist, sexist, homophobic, and transphobic words, to be more specific. That's also the point of the movie, so if context still matters to you, you'll probably be okay. It is predominately scenes of battle rap—in which the characters target their opponent by mocking their race, sexual orientation, sexual prowess or simply by threatening to kill them. It's wholesome stuff. The main character is Adam, a white boy who appropriates the battle rap scene by accident while trying to write his thesis paper (which is about the N-word, of course). Adam is obsessed with not being racist at first, but quickly adopts the vernacular of his comrades, soon angering his vegan girlfriend and eventually his entire student body. The battle rap scenes are incredible, and the rest of the film is all over the place. The only idea that <i>Bodied</i> seems to fully get behind is that white people are awful. Every peripheral white person in the film is an extreme caricature—pulling no punches at vegans, nervous school administrators, and social justice warriors arguing over who is more racist. These caricatures are undoubtedly funny. And sad. And true. However, it never really decides what to do with Adam, who gets more flak for trying not to be racist than actually participating in battle rap. Also, Adam sucks. You can watch <i>Bodied </i>with <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xUYUJ69BnE&vl=en" target="_blank">Youtube Premium.</a> Thankfully, you can sign up for a free trial, watch <i>Bodied</i>, and then cancel, because there is no other reason to have Youtube Premium.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>5. Mid90s</b></span></div>
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<i>Mid90s</i> is just the male version of <i>Eighth Grade</i>, and it really makes you realize why Gillette ads are necessary. It's about that time in every boy's life where you abandon your <i>Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles</i> bed sheets and latch on to the interests of whatever the cool kids seem to be doing. In this case, it's skateboarding and drinking, and not saying "thank you" because saying "thank you" is gay. <i>Mid90s</i> follows Stevie, a thirteen-year-old (who looks nine), as he starts hanging out with a group of older skateboarders and emulates their interests, speech, and ideology. It takes place in the mid-90's (how'd you guess), so the nostalgia is strong—especially if you grew up in that period—and the boys spend their time skateboarding, hanging around the skate shop, and having male-typical teenage conversations about body parts and exaggerated sexual experiences. There is one cringe-worthy scene of sexuality, but that's as close to <i>Eighth Grade</i> as we get, and anyone who saw <i>If Beale Street Could Talk</i> knows its not the most awkward sex scene of the year. The ending does feel a bit forced, and/or like a PSA, but <i>Mid90s</i> is an engaging depiction of starting to grow up and finding your place. Also, Lucas Hedges really likes orange juice.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>4. Emo: The Musical</b></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQqW_Ri62NrPtPToHvddM6OIlOM13nmBz8fPNwvYxx3IaCfjJygjAkotfepqC8GuzBuDEV9qfo7vHzSTtmURqYhJGaHislLl8lmzsddYu0LWKpa3S4lPFDvCatl-EB7pe3W_qC8ugQADw/s1600/emothemusical.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="222" data-original-width="400" height="177" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQqW_Ri62NrPtPToHvddM6OIlOM13nmBz8fPNwvYxx3IaCfjJygjAkotfepqC8GuzBuDEV9qfo7vHzSTtmURqYhJGaHislLl8lmzsddYu0LWKpa3S4lPFDvCatl-EB7pe3W_qC8ugQADw/s320/emothemusical.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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If this list was based solely on films that brought the most joy into my life, <i>Emo: The Musical</i> would be number one. With a metaphorical, angsty bullet. I have legitimately watched this six times. In a year. Don't get me wrong, it's not <i>The Godfather</i>. It's more of a cardboard, song-filled <i>Mean Girls.</i> Cardboard because all of it's characters are flat, <i>Mean Girls</i> because it's incredibly witty, and ultimately about the importance of being yourself (aww). It's also very similar to the first season of <i>Glee, </i>before it got terrible. The story follows self-professed emo, Ethan, as he tries to fit in with his emo band, while simultaneously dating Trinity, the Jesus-obsessed female front of rival Christian band, Hope Group. She once baptized a boy without telling him. Her and Ethan bond over their love of folk music, which Ethan used to like "until people pointed out how lame it is." The word "emo" is used entirely too much and the characters are basic, but there are so many good lines, and the songs are delightful and smart. Also, the school is sponsored by anti-depressants. If you're one of the two other people who actually like musicals, <i>Anna and the Apocalypse</i> is also worth a watch, but it's not as smart, it just has better choreography. And zombies. <i>Emo: The Musical</i> is available to stream on <a href="https://www.netflix.com/title/80198055" target="_blank">Netflix</a>. Thank God and Emos for Netflix, because it's the only reason you'd ever be able to see it.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>3. The Favourite</b></span></div>
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This is a pretty good showing, considering this is director Yorgos Lanthimos' third (maybe fourth) best film of the decade. It's also one of his most accessible. <i>The Lobster </i>and <i>Killing of a Sacred Deer</i> might scare you away, and <i>Dogtooth </i>or <i>Alps</i> almost certainly will. And while this hilarious take on 18th century England—complete with duck racing, dark humor, and fish eye lenses—may not be your cup of poisoned tea either, it's propped up by smart dialogue and incredible performances by Olivia Colman, Rachel Weisz, and Emma Stone. I know you can't resist Emma Stone. It takes an unfortunate turn away from comedy in the third act, but everyone remains sharp throughout. Nicholas Hoult also makes regular appearances as a most extravagant gentleman—and seemingly the only man with half a brain under his beautiful wigs. <i>The Favourite</i> has sabotage, jealousy, witty one-liners, and incompetent leaders. It's kind of like <i>The Office</i>, if that will get you to watch it.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>2. You Were Never Really Here</b></span></div>
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Hi, kids. Do you like violence? So does Joaquin Phoenix. And when he doesn't get it, he gets sad. And so does the viewer. <i>You Were Never Really Here</i> follows Phoenix as he rescues young girls from captivity while dealing with childhood trauma and PTSD. If you're looking to enjoy some violence, stick to <i>Revenge </i>and <i>Mandy, </i>but if you want something a bit more complex, <i>You Were Never Really Here</i> is the ticket. It has some of my favorite scenes of the year, which depending on your mindset, you'll find just as riveting or annoyingly jarring. This is one of the few good films of the year that doesn't have thematic issues; and if you can get behind artistic restraint you just might appreciate it too. There is definitely some violence, but if you're still upset that Liam Neeson never fought wolves in <i>The Grey</i>, watch something else. Available on <a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0797JHV5D?camp=1789&creativeASIN=B0797JHV5D&ie=UTF8&linkCode=xm2&tag=justwatch09-20" target="_blank">Amazon Prime</a>.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>1. Shoplifters</b></span></div>
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I won't spend too much time on <i>Shoplifters</i>, because if you haven't already seen it, I don't have faith that you will. It's not on Netflix or Amazon Prime. It's a drama. It's in Japanese. It's also basically <i>Roma</i>, but with a compelling story and characters. It follows a seemingly random grouping of poor Japanese characters who have come together in their collective poverty to form a family. After a day of shoplifting, the "father" and "son" of the family stumble upon Yuri, a four-year-old girl who isn't wanted by her family. She looks hungry and so they take her home, feed her, and end up keeping her. The ensuing film is a story of family-by-choice and the bonds that they build. It's not a fast film. It's about building characters and their relationships with each other. There's no extravagant tragedy or denouement, but <i>Shoplifters</i> is a beautifully shot slice-of-life with nuanced characters and strong performances. Please don't emulate the plot and kidnap small children or we'll send Joaquin Phoenix after you. </div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><u>Everything Else</u></b></span></div>
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<b>COULD EASILY BE ON THIS LIST</b></div>
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<b>Paddington 2 </b>- An animated bear makes friends with everyone and Hugh Grant should win Best Supporting Actor.<br />
<b>Searching - </b>A perfect example of why editing isn't a minor category in film.<br />
<b>Unsane </b>- The best thing filmed on an iPhone since Kim Kardashian.<br />
<b>BlacKkKlansman - </b>Spike Lee is the best. The KKK is the worst.<br />
<b>Blindspotting - </b>A good movie is interrupted by slam poetry which should have died in the 2000's.<br />
<b>Summer of 84 - </b>Stranger Things without any science fiction.<br />
<b>Thunder Road - </b>Jim Cummings delivers a brilliant monologue every ten minutes.<br />
<b>Crazy Rich Asians - </b>The best romantic comedy of 2018 trying to hide behind a bad title.<br />
<b>Wildlife </b>- Apparently, all good dramas need Jake Gyllenhaul or Carey Mulligan. This one has both.<br />
<b>Andhadhun - </b>A blind pianist witnesses a murder. Figure out how that works.<br />
<b>Burning - </b>I'm still not sure what genre this is, but that's basically the point.<br />
<b>Revenge - </b>Girl murders her rapist and would-be murders.<br />
<b>Hereditary - </b>Scary things happen. People like that, I guess.<br />
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<b>THE GOOD</b><br />
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<b>Love, Simon </b>- Gay kid bullies another gay kid out of the closet.<br />
<b>A Prayer Before Dawn - </b>White guy appropriates the Thai prison boxing community.<br />
<b>Annihilation - </b>A group of scientists try to figure out what the aliens are up to.<br />
<b>Alex Strangelove - </b>Every homophobe's worst nightmare.<br />
<b>A Star is Born - </b>The first third is great, and then it's terrible.<br />
<b>First Reformed - </b>Ethan Hawke cares for the environment much more than he cares for his health.<br />
<b>Border - </b>A border security guard can smell your fear.<br />
<b>Don't Worry, He Won't Get Far on Foot - </b>The opposite of <i>You Were Never Really Here.</i><br />
<b>Isle of Dogs - </b>Animated Wes Anderson dogs in Asia.<br />
<b>Us and Them - </b>A Chinese version of the Before Trilogy with lovely end credits.<br />
<b>The Guilty - </b>A riveting thriller that takes place entirely over the phone.<br />
<b>The Death of Stalin - </b>Communism has never been so fun. This is basically <i>Vice, </i>but good.<br />
<b>The Wife - </b>You might think this is Oscar Bait, but it was actually very good.<br />
<b>The Endless - </b>Low budget sci-fi about time loops.<br />
<b>Green Book - </b>White guy teaches black guy about fried chicken.<br />
<b>Disobedience - </b>Rachel Weisz impregnates Rachel McAdams with saliva. I'm not joking.<br />
<b>Skate Kitchen - </b>Girl skateboarders emulate <i>Mid90s</i>, but accidentally include Jaden Smith.<br />
<b>Assassination Nation - </b>What would you do if everything on your phone leaked? Murder teenagers.<br />
<b>Can You Ever Forgive Me - </b>I can forgive you, but I'll barely remember you.<br />
<b>Upgrade - </b>Guy gets a computer chip implant and it teaches him kung-fu.<br />
<b>Mission Impossible - Fallout - </b>Tom Cruise crashes helicopters.<br />
<b>Widows - </b>Liam Neeson's skills fail him.<br />
<b>Black Panther - </b>A solid superhero movie, but I'm all set with superhero movies.<br />
<b>Ready Player One - </b>Clearly unrealistic. Not enough micro-transactions.<br />
<b>Deadpool 2 - </b>Not as funny as the first one.<br />
<b>Tag - </b>Grown men playing childhood games. That's realism.<br />
<b>Blockers - </b>John Cena is apparently a comedian now.<br />
<b>The Miseducation of Cameron Post - </b>Can we all just agree not to send kids to gay conversion therapy?<br />
<b>The Sisters Brothers - </b>John C. Reilly joins Joaquin Phoenix in the western version of <i>You Were Never Really Here</i>.<br />
<b>The Old Man and the Gun - </b>Old people rob banks.<br />
<b>All Square - </b>A bookie starts taking bets on youth baseball games.<br />
<b>Boy Erased - </b>Again. Quit sending kids to gay conversion therapy.<br />
<b>Tully - </b>Charlize Theron really needs some sleep. This explains how she became <i>Monster</i>.<br />
<b>Keep The Change - </b>A<b> </b>mentally handicapped couple fall in love and make inappropriate jokes.<br />
<b>Ballad of Buster Scruggs - </b>Half of it is good.<br />
<b>Lean On Pete - </b>A boy really likes a horse.<br />
<b>Private Life - </b>This was a good drama and it didn't even need Carey Mulligan or Jake Gyllenhaul.<br />
<b>Christopher Robin - </b>Winnie the Pooh has the best deadpan humor.<br />
<b>Apostasy - </b>Being a Jehovah's Witness seems awful.<br />
<b>A Futile and Stupid Gesture - </b>A funny biopic about the creator of National Lampoon.<br />
<b>Destroyer - </b>The title refers to whomever did Nicole Kidman's overzealous makeup.<br />
<b>Bad Times at the El Royale - </b>Fun and forgettable and a shirtless Chris Hemsworth.<br />
<b>Bohemian Rhapsody - </b>The first hour and the last twenty minutes are great.<br />
<b>Cam - </b>A cam girl gets her online profile stolen.<br />
<b>Roma - </b>Form over content.<br />
<b>Stree - </b>A Bollywood horror movie.<br />
<b>22 July - </b>The aftermath of a terrorist attack.<br />
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<b>THE MEH</b><br />
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<b>Avengers: Infinity War - </b>Thanos should have killed everyone and ended the franchise.<br />
<b>Thoroughbreds - </b>Two crazy girls plot to kill one's father.<br />
<b>In a Relationship - </b>Forgettable romantic comedy.<br />
<b>Eighth Grade - </b>Again. The scariest movie of the year.<br />
<b>Cold War - </b>A romance film about a couple that has zero chemistry.<br />
<b>First Man - </b>What a waste of Gosling.<br />
<b>Hearts Beat Loud - </b>A father and a daughter start a band.<br />
<b>Overlord - </b>Nazis experiment on people and America comes after them.<br />
<b>The New Romantic - </b>A college student finds a sugar daddy so that her life isn't boring.<br />
<b>Support the Girls - </b>It's a boob metaphor.<br />
<b>Leave No Trace - </b><i>Captain Fantastic</i> was better.<br />
<b>If Beale Street Could Talk - </b>If Oscar Bait could talk.<br />
<b>Anna and the Apocalypse - </b>A zombie musical that is too much <i>High School: The Musical</i> and not enough <i>Emo: The Musical.</i><br />
<b>The Night Comes for Us - </b>A Thai action movie with the loosest plot imaginable.<br />
<b>Bumblebee - </b>A decent Transformers movie for the first time in a while.<br />
<b>Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald - </b>A weak movie, largely due to being stuck in the middle of the first movie and the next one.<br />
<b>Hot Summer Nights - </b>Timothy Chalamet tries to become Walter White.<br />
<b>Bird Box - </b>Sandra Bullock puts a blindfold on. Will she get <i>Blindsided?!</i><br />
<b>Ant-Man and the Wasp - </b>Another superhero movie.<br />
<b>Venom - </b>This is supposedly bad. But it's really just another Deadpool movie.<br />
<b>Blue My Mind - </b>Your annual foreign mermaid movie.<br />
<b>Brothers' Nest - </b>Two brothers try to kill a guy.<br />
<b>American Animals - </b>Some idiots try to rob a library.<br />
<b>Vice - </b>May have been interesting if we didn't already know that Cheney was President for eight years.<br />
<b>Aquaman - </b>The white version of Black Panther, but not as good.<br />
<b>A Private War - </b>A journalist reports on the front lines of foreign wars. She has a cool eye patch.<br />
<b>Suspiria - </b>The original isn't that good either.<br />
<b>Blaze - </b>A biopic about a drunk country singer.<br />
<b>Mandy - </b>Nicolas Cage kills a cult.<br />
<b>Office Uprising - </b>Low budget and humorous zombie outbreak at an office after the employees drink too much Surge.<br />
<b>Anon - </b>Forgettable sci-fi movie about a hacker who can <i>Eternal Sunshine</i> just about everybody.<br />
<b>Juliet, Naked - </b>Ethan Hawke is a washed up folk singer and starts dating his biggest fan's ex.<br />
<b>The Land of Steady Habits - </b>The land of mid-life crisis.<br />
<b>How to Talk to Girls at Parties - </b>Elle Fanning was born to play an alien and start dating a punk rocker.<br />
<b>An Evening with Beverly Luff Lin - </b>No one will like this. I'm the target audience and it was a little too much.<br />
<b>The Christmas Chronicles - </b>Mildly amusing Netflix Christmas movie.<br />
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<b>AND THE UGLY</b><br />
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<b>The Rider - </b>A bunch of idiots mumble about wanting to do rodeo.<br />
<b>Pin Cushion - </b>The UK's redheaded version of <i>Eighth Grade.</i><br />
<b>Beautiful Boy - </b>Timothy Chalamet tries to become Jesse Pinkman.<br />
<b>Solo: A Star Wars Story - </b>I'm all set with <i>Star Wars</i> movies too.<br />
<b>Bomb City - </b>A bunch of idiots fight with each other because they look different.<br />
<b>Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom - </b>They're not even trying to write scripts for these anymore.<br />
<b>The Meg - </b>It's like <i>Piranha 3D</i> if it wasn't a joke.<br />
<b>Black Mirror: Bandersnatch - </b>Does this count as a movie?<br />
<b>Bees Make Honey - </b>A murder mystery costume party.<br />
<b>The Domestics - </b>Post-apocalyptic <i>Gangs of New York</i> if it was just a slasher.<br />
<b>The House that Jack Built - </b>Matt Dillon kills people in increasingly less interesting ways.<br />
<b>At Eternity's Gate - </b>Willem Dafoe paints in a field for literally the entire movie.<br />
<b>Izzy Gets the Fuck Across Town - </b>A girl travels across town.<br />
<b>To All the Boys I've Loved Before - </b>A completely uninteresting romantic comedy that isn't even bad enough to become funny.<br />
<b>Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again - </b>I'm upset that I went again.<br />
<b>I Kill Giants - </b>A girl doesn't kill giants.<br />
<b>Tyrel - </b>A black guy goes to a party with a bunch of white people and nothing happens.<br />
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<b>MOVIES I HAD TO TURN OFF AND GIVE UP ON</b><br />
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<b>I Feel Pretty</b><br />
<b>Madeline's Madeline</b><br />
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<b><br /></b>Dear Filmmakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16821218729910317499noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3842229596448725018.post-16859197772961262652018-03-02T03:18:00.000-05:002018-03-02T03:18:52.263-05:00The Top Ten Films of 2017.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span id="docs-internal-guid-2df65b7a-e448-0374-d8e3-93fad943fb93"><span style="font-family: Arial; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Some movies came out in 2017. As someone who loves movies, but finds most movies average at best, they weren’t great. I also watched less movies in 2017 than I have in any year since 2010, and I’m not sure if that’s the reason I’m underwhelmed or if it's indicative of their quality. However—as is the case every year, there was still a twenty way tie for tenth, so don’t let my pessimism get you down. Let’s start with some honorable mentions.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Mother!</span><span style="font-family: Arial; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, as is the case with most Aronofsky movies, is almost unbearable to watch. It’s basically two hours of human beings being awful, and even when you figure out the metaphor and realize that human beings are awful is basically the whole point, you’ve already paused the film six times to go smoke cigarettes in anger. A few days later, when the anger has finally passed, you start to realize that the other point of the movie was that God is also awful, and that’s a lot more fun to think about.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Not Just Oscar Bait - <i>Phantom Thread</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">I should have known better than to assume a Paul Thomas Anderson movie was simple Oscar bait, but <i>The Master</i> and <i>Inherent Vice</i> were travesties that threw off my expectations; so I can only apologize. While it starts off as the story of an insufferable artist and a woman who loves him for no apparent reason, it evolves into a power struggle between two insane people. Then, just as you thought you'd seen all the insanity it could muster—it takes it one step further; just like that girl you dated in college.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><u>THE TOP TEN</u></b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: large;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">10. The Babysitter</span></span></div>
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There were a lot of tongue-in-cheek horror movies this year (<i>Tragedy Girls, Better Watch Out, Happy Death Day)</i>, and I actually watched most of them. The one I found myself recommending the most was <i>The Babysitter, </i>and not just because it's easily found on Netflix. Cole is a lame kid with a cool babysitter, and when he stays up one night in order to figure out what his babysitter gets up to while he's asleep, he discovers her and a group of friends performing a human sacrifice. Cole quickly finds himself trying to evade becoming a victim himself, and we are treated to a healthy dose of pop culture references and bad one-liners. Maybe I should feel bad for bumping films with actual weight from this slot, but <i>The Babysitter </i>is simply eighty minutes of silly fun, and sometimes that's just what you need.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">9. The Lure</span></div>
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If you thought that <i>The Shape of Water</i> was the only 2017 film in which someone would have sex with a sea monster, you would be incorrect. I know that Polish musicals about mermaids aren't for everyone, but I can confirm after watching <i>The Lure</i> three times, that it is a genre I am a fan of. To be clear, if the phrase "Polish musical about mermaids" doesn't immediately entice you, I encourage you to not watch this film, because everything I like about it you will probably hate. The story is told mostly through musical numbers: some subtle, others elaborate set pieces. As a result, the plot sometimes disappears and then shows up again only to drag you into a new nonsensical direction. But if you don't need a taut narrative, <i>The Lure</i> is full of romance, heartbreak, and mermaids eating people; so that's fun if it's something that you're into.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">8. Good Time</span></div>
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Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have both been doing admirable work since they stopped sparkling, and while Stewart's <i>Personal Shopper</i> may have just missed the top ten, Pattinson's <i>Good Time</i> sneaks in at number eight. After his mentally challenged brother gets arrested, Pattinson spends a night attempting to break him out of jail. Complications arise, and the scenario keeps shifting, but watching Pattinson fumble through from one ridiculous predicament to the next should keep you amused. </div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">7. Okja</span></div>
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If you skipped this movie on Netflix because you thought it was in Korean, let me first confirm that it is in English. I know you kids are too lazy to read, and I don't want you to miss out on the delightful tale of a young girl and her pet "supercow" and her quest to rescue it from becoming America's newest meat product. Despite cartoonish performances from Paul Dano, Jake Gyllenhaal, and Tilda Swinton; it also manages to be an action/adventure critique of corporate greed, and a PETA commercial. Seriously. I didn't eat meat for at least three hours after watching <i>Okja. </i>That's heavy stuff.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">6. The Florida Project</span></div>
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<i>The Florida Project</i> is the story of a group of kids who haven't realized that their parents are scumbags yet. And while it's very apparent to the viewer that their parents are, in fact, scumbags (or at least down on their luck, if you want to give them the benefit of the doubt), the film focuses on the residents of a cheap Florida motel through the eyes of six-year-old Moonee, who tends to be a bit more optimistic than I am. Moonee spends her days wandering about the motel and the surrounding area getting up to hood rat things with her friends, and doesn't seem to realize that she's not being raised in the traditional sense. The film is a contrast of childhood optimism, the harsh reality of adulthood, and the hope that Willem Dafoe is always somewhere in the background keeping an eye out for creeps.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">5. The Big Sick</span></div>
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Movies about comedians are usually terrible, but <i>The Big Sick</i> is actually a movie about familial obligation and relationships, which makes the presence of Bo Burnham somewhat permissible. Kumail is a Pakistani comedian who falls for Zoe Kazan, a romance he can't tell his parents about for fear of being ostracized (Pakistanis don't like white girls, you see). This causes Kumail and Zoe to break up, but when Zoe gets sick, Kumail finds himself bonding with her parents and regretting that he didn't make the relationship work. Zoe Kazan is unconscious for most of the film, which makes me sad, but at least Ray Romano shows up. Kumail's relationships with Zoe's parents, as well as his own, make up a good portion of the film, and their interactions all feel realistic, even when played for comedy. It's a funny movie about relationships—a description you've certainly heard before—that still feels original.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">4. Get Out</span></div>
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Laughing at white people is always fun, but <i>Get Out </i>teaches us that being paranoid around them is probably a good idea too. This 2017 version of <i>Guess Who's Coming To Dinner </i>understandably has a different theme, but Chris is still understandably nervous about meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time. If you lived under a rock in 2017 (and didn't get the previous movie reference), Chris is black and his girlfriend is white. Meeting your girlfriend's parents is always intimidating, but as you may have noticed, there is still racial tension in America. Luckily, Chris is welcomed into the home with open arms. He'll be fine as long as the parents don't turn out to be psychopaths.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">3. The Disaster Artist</span></div>
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I don't care that it's a comedy. James Franco deserved a Best Actor nomination. <i>The Disaster Artist</i> is about the making of <i>The Room</i>, but in reality its almost entirely an excuse to watch James Franco act ridiculous for two hours. Seriously, it's mesmerizing. The plot may be propped up by its easily-mocked source material, but the making of "the best worst movie of all time" is just as interesting as the classic lines lifted straight from the original film. Franco plays Tommy Wiseau, a mysterious millionaire who sets out to make his own movie after being rejected by Hollywood. Tommy is quite possibly the strangest human being in existence, and Franco steals every scene simply by imitating reality.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">2. Baby Driver</span></div>
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It's easy to make the joke <i>Baby Drive</i> or <i>Drive for Babies</i>, but <i>Baby Driver</i> and <i>Drive</i> share an awful lot more than driving. Withdrawn protagonist? Check. Soundtrack driven? Check. Getaway driver? Check. Does there also happen to be a girl that the protagonist becomes unhealthily obsessed with? Oh, why yes there is. But you know what? If you're going to clone a movie, <i>Drive </i>is a good one to pick. <i>Baby Driver</i> follows Baby (our getaway driver) as he listens to hot jams and drives cars. He likes a girl too, which is cute. What else do you need?</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">1. Brigsby Bear</span></div>
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James lives a sheltered life with his parents, keeping himself entertained with a healthy dose of the television show <i>Brigsby Bear Adventures.</i> When James is forced into the world, he discovers that no one else has ever heard of <i>Brigsby Bear Adventures</i>, and he sets out to make a movie version and finish the story. Having little to no social skills, James awkwardly interacts with humanity in what could have easily been one embarrassing interaction after another. But instead of mocking him, everyone James meets is...nice to him. What's great about <i>Brigsby Bear </i>is that while James' awkwardness is always present, his quest to resurrect <i>Brigsby Bear Adventures</i> is celebrated and never mocked. <i>Brigsby Bear</i> has some very dark themes that I've glossed over in my synopsis, but the film maintains an upbeat mood throughout. It may be about overcoming trauma, but it's also about collaboration and building relationships. It is a feel-good movie in the purest sense, and it is without a doubt my favorite of the year.</div>
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<b><u><span style="font-size: large;">EVERYTHING ELSE</span></u></b></div>
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<b>COULD EASILY BE ON THIS LIST</b></div>
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<b>Lady Bird - </b>Timothée Chalamet basically ruined this for me.</div>
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<b>The Shape of Water - </b>A lonely lady steals a fish.</div>
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<b>Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri - </b>Frances McDormand yells at people.</div>
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<b>Phantom Thread - </b>Loving an artist is like disciplining a child.</div>
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<b>Personal Shopper - </b>Kristen Stewart sees dead people.</div>
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<b>Wind River - </b>I have nothing bad to say about this movie.</div>
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<b>The Killing of a Sacred Deer - </b>Best spaghetti scene of 2017.</div>
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<b>Logan - </b>I forgot this was a superhero movie. I like that.</div>
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<b>Call Me By Your Name - </b>Just peachy.</div>
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<b>THE GOOD</b></div>
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<b>Split - </b>Shyamalan doesn't always ruin things.</div>
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<b>I Don't Feel at Home in this World Anymore - </b>The first time I've liked Elijah Wood.</div>
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<b>Colossal - </b>Jason Sudeikis ruins everything.</div>
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<b>The Post - </b>Better than <i>Spotlight.</i></div>
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<b>The Girl With All the Gifts </b>- There's always a zombie movie.</div>
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<b>Star Wars: The Last Jedi - </b>Anything is better than <i>The Force Awakens</i>.</div>
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<b>Dunkirk - </b>I don't like war movies. But I like Christopher Nolan.</div>
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<b>I, Tonya - </b>White Trash on Ice</div>
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<b>Tragedy Girls - </b>The darkest version of <i>Heathers.</i></div>
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<b>It - </b>Exactly what you'd expect.</div>
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<b>Ingrid Goes West - </b>If I could stand watching people be awkward, this would be in the top ten.</div>
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<b>THE MEH</b><br /><br /><div>
<b>What Happened to Monday - </b>Everybody hates Mondays.</div>
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<b>Battle of the Sexes - </b>Solved the gender pay gap.</div>
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<b>Blade Runner 2049 - </b>Ryan Gosling had a computer girlfriend, that was the only cool part.</div>
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<b>Happy Death Day - </b>Groundhog Day with Murder</div>
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<b>A Ghost Story - </b>Casey Affleck stands in a sheet.</div>
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<b>Wonder Woman - </b>I don't care what anyone says. It was just another average superhero movie.</div>
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<b>Baywatch - </b>I'll watch Dwayne Johnson do anything.</div>
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<b>Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2 - </b>Kurt Russell needs to chill.</div>
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<b>Better Watch Out - </b><i>The Babysitter</i> but much darker.</div>
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<b>Super Dark Times - </b>Why can't kids just commit murder and then keep their cool?</div>
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<b>Lucky - </b>An old dude being old.</div>
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<b>Columbus - </b>Just some folks talking about architecture.</div>
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<b>Marjorie Prime - </b>Soon we'll all be best friends with artificial intelligence.</div>
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<b>Wonder Wheel - </b>At this point, it's better than I expected from Woody Allen.</div>
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<b>Mother! - </b>At least they eat the baby.</div>
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<b>War Machine - </b>Brad Pitt hams it up.<br /><b>A Cure for Wellness - </b>It's mystery is only exceeded by it's dullness.<br /><b>Kingsman: The Golden Circle - </b>One was enough.</div>
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<b>AND THE UGLY</b></div>
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<b>Justice League - </b>Just stop this.</div>
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<b>Bright -</b> This is only justifiable because it's a Netflix original.</div>
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<b>Beauty and the Beast - </b>How to ruin an animated classic.</div>
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Dear Filmmakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16821218729910317499noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3842229596448725018.post-19451255316303768952017-02-26T07:03:00.002-05:002017-02-26T14:08:07.941-05:00The Top Ten Films of 2016.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I am aware that 2016 ended two months ago; but as a completion-obsessed shut-in who uses too much punctuation, it takes a while to track down all the Danish movies about chicken that I want to see. Thankfully, we can adopt the Academy Awards as 2016's film criticism deadline. I know you'll probably be spending your Sunday at the liquor store in preparation for all the political acceptance speeches, so don't worry about reading this right away. But if you find your mind wandering while <i>La La Land </i>wins just about every category, feel free to reference this list as a reminder that other films did come out.<br />
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<a name='more'></a>As always, the order barely matters, and this list does not include documentaries or animated films, because there are a lot of good documentaries and animated films that would displace all the weird stuff I want to write about.<br />
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<b><u>MOONLIGHT - Honorable Mention</u></b><br />
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<i>Moonlight</i> was on its way to becoming an affectionate member of the top ten, but I've decided to obscure it with an aggressively masculine honorable mention. It's the black, gay <i>Boyhood—</i>if <i>Boyhood</i> were<i> </i>made twelve years faster and had a likable main character. It is a universal story about trying to fit in, finding yourself, and then pretending to be someone else so that your friends will let you sell drugs with them. It's beautifully shot, and based on the framing and use of color, I'm pretty sure director Barry Jenkins has a crush on Wong Kar Wai (as everyone should). <i>Moonlight </i>is only relegated to the position of honorable mention because it tries to do too much. For a film that revolves around the theme of masculinity, the main character spends too much time getting yelled at by his mother—a character who should have been permanently replaced with Mahershala Ali.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">10. Everybody Wants Some!!</span><br />
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It feels contradictory to elevate <i>Everybody Wants Some!!</i> and its horrible title over <i>Moonlight</i>. While <i>Moonlight </i>subtlety condemns machismo, <i>Everybody Wants Some!! </i>exorbitantly celebrates virility. I make this distinction because virility is more fun and less threatening, and also to feel better about my choices. The thing is, although he forgot to add any to <i>Boyhood</i>, director Richard Linklater is a master of creating characters. <i>Everybody Wants Some!! </i>is the spiritual sequel to <i>Dazed and Confused;</i> the films share the same director, the same vibe, and the same amount of plot—very little. Most of the movie is just the college baseball team having conversations, challenging each other to weird contests, or trying to pick up girls; and I could watch it for hours. All the male archetypes of college life are present. There's the alpha male, the stoner, the nice guy, etc., but they're all distinct and memorable characters, just like the friends you used to have before you stopped calling them. Watching bros be bros (a much better title by the way) isn't going to change your life, but it certainly can be fun.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">9. A Man Called Ove</span><br />
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I have always had a soft spot for cantankerous, broken-hearted old men who are fed up with the deterioration of society and people who buy BMW's. The titular Ove spends much of the film scowling at cats, scolding people for driving on the path, and calling people idiots, and I enjoyed every second of it. I can't wait to be old and cranky. Of course, the awful people of the neighborhood keep trying to make connections with Ove, specifically his new Persian neighbor and her idiot husband. As Ove spends time with her and the other neighborhood scoundrels, his gruffness, along with his life story, begins to unwind. Towards the end of the film, <i>A Man Called Ove</i> starts flirting with sentimentality, but I was too busy hoping he'd kick the neighbor's dog to let it bother me.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">8. La La Land</span><br />
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The first half of <i>La La Land</i> is a respectable homage to the old Hollywood musical, complete with long takes and flashy set pieces. Then, Ryan Gosling rolls up to Emma Stone's house, calls her a baby, and everything after that is why <i>La La Land </i>is on this list. The first half is fun, but it has no stakes. The relationship between the two characters is developed mostly through montage and Gosling rambling about jazz. It flirts with authenticity at a pool party Stone attends, where she mocks a less than enthused Gosling as he performs in an eighties cover band, but then they dance in the planetarium and it's suddenly love. It's not that the musical numbers aren't entertaining, but their relationship could have used more idiosyncrasies instead of broad brush strokes of style. It needed less dancing girls and more, "Hey girl." I recognize that not every Ryan Gosling movie can be <i>Blue Valentine</i>, but hey, here's to the ones who dream.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">7. Swiss Army Man</span><br />
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How you react to the synopsis, "A suicidal man stranded on a desert island befriends a talking, flatulent corpse who accompanies him on a magical journey home," is a strong indicator to me of whether or not we can be friends. After you find out the main characters are Paul Dano (the man) and Daniel Radcliffe (the corpse), you should already be trying to buy it on Amazon. The bodily humor is often excessive, but it's also pulling double duty as an essential plot device. <i>Swiss Army Man</i> could get by simply on the ridiculous conversations between the two leads, as Dano attempts to explain society to Radcliffe's unaware corpse. The dialogue teeters between simplistically profound and laughable schlock, and parts of it feel like Terrence Malick directing a John Waters script. It's not as neatly put together as most of the films on this list, but its bursts of brilliance are some of the year's best.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">6. Hell or High Water</span><br />
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The Western began as cowboys versus Indians, moved to outsiders versus outlaws, and in <i>Hell or High Water,</i> it's the outcasts versus everyone. It opens with a heist in a small Texas town. Two brothers, Chris Pine and Ben Foster, rob the local bank, and drive off towards their next target. Two Texas Rangers pick up the case, and the chase ensues. The film props itself up on the disenfranchised; the small town inhabitants are barely getting by, and our antiheroes are simply "robbing the bank that's been robbing them for thirty years." Jeff Bridges plays the almost-retired Texas Ranger who, along with his half-Comanche partner, Alberto, hunt Pine and Foster whilst developing an amusing camaraderie built on racism and ageism. Pine and Foster also thrive on camaraderie and banter, and the well-crafted characters set against modern-day desperation are what sets <i>Hell or High Water </i>apart.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">5. The Lobster</span><br />
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In the world of <i>The Lobster, </i>everyone is required to have a romantic partner. Those who find themselves without a partner are taken to a hotel, where they have 45 days to find a partner, or they are transformed into the animal of their choice. Colin Farrell chooses a lobster, which is a very wise choice. Most people choose dog, which is why there are so many dogs. <i>The Lobster</i> is a black-comedy critique of the weird ways we attempt to meet society's expectation of our romantic lives. Sure, being turned into an animal is weird, but we live in the world of Tinder, so who are we to judge? In <i>The Lobster</i>, everyone is searching for someone who shares their distinguishing trait. Colin Farrell's distinguishing trait is that he is short-sighted, so he's on the lookout for ladies in glasses. Contacts are harder to identify. My distinguishing trait is that I want to stay inside and make poor food choices, so maybe there's something to this hotel idea after all. The second half of the film slows the momentum built by the first, but the society the film crafts is so ridiculous, it's amusing until the end.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">4. Arrival</span><br />
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It's troubling that a movie about communicating with aliens is the most politically relevant of the year, but we could all use a good lesson on perspective and ethnocentrism. Amidst constant pressure from the Department of Defense, Amy Adams is tasked with communicating with Earth's new guests; and of course military generals don't understand the difference between singular and plural pronouns, or why that would matter when you're trying to determine whether an alien race wants to kill you or not. Language is hard. I don't even know what I mean half the time. The film also focuses on humanity's tendency to get really scared and attack things they don't understand, but the main focus is on language, and how speaking a different language can affect your perception of the world. There's a very unique and highly illogical plot device that revolves around this concept, but the main gist of it is that we'll never understand each other and the US government is incompetent. There's also a plot twist that you should figure out in the first thirty minutes of the film, but in case you miss it, the film will shove it in your face multiple times over the last five minutes until you cry.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">3. The Handmaiden</span><br />
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There are very rare cases in which I actually believe in spoilers, and <i>The Handmaiden</i> is one of those cases. I'm about to give vague, thematic spoilers because I have to say something about the film to get you to watch it, but if you respect yourself as a cinephile, just skip the rest of this paragraph and go watch <i>The Handmaiden </i>immediately. I'll wait... For those of you who need more convincing, <i>The Handmaiden</i> is <i>Blue is the Warmest Color</i> mixed with <i>Gone Girl, </i>directed by Park Chan-Wook (<i>Oldboy</i>), which could act as a trigger-warning as much as a minor spoiler. The film takes a turn, gets real sexy, and ridicules men for being so gross. It's a thriller/romance/comedy, with stylish set design and props. Rush to see it with bells on.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">2. Hunt for the Wilderpeople</span><br />
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Ricky Baker is a gangster. Actually, he's an orphaned kid who gets lost in the New Zealand bush with his foster uncle and accidentally prompts a nation-wide boyhunt. Which, in his defense, is pretty gangsta'. <i>Hunt for the Wilderpeople</i> is basically a live-action <i>Up</i> where the dogs don't talk. It makes family-friendly comedy look easy in a time where quality family films basically don't exist anymore. If you want a hint of what to expect, director Taika Waititi also made 2015's <i>What We Do In the Shadows. </i>Though a vampire mockumentary may not seem comparable, the tone of the humor is similar in both films. The mismatched pair of gruff country loner and clueless city boy work through a series of strange adventures courtesy of the film's unique setting. The dialogue is always on point, and Rhys Darby even shows up to remind you that the film was made in New Zealand.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">1. Sing Street</span><br />
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Dear John Carney,<br />
<br />
<br />
There's an homage to old Hollywood musicals cleaning up this year's awards season. You would think people would notice that you've made three of the best modern musicals in the last ten years. <i>Begin Again</i> is delightful, <i>Once </i>is a masterpiece, and while it's not the revelation that <i>Once </i>was, <i>Sing Street </i>is my favorite movie of the year.<br />
<br />
<i>Sing Street </i>revolves around Conor, an Irish teen in the 1980's, who is forced to go to Catholic school due to his parents' financial problems. In order to impress a "model" he meets, Conor forms a band with the other outcasts in his school, and his musical coming-of-age begins.<br />
<br />
A musical is only as strong as its music, and 80's pop has a lot more polarity than the lavish set pieces of <i>La La Land, </i>but the songs are largely well crafted. The difference between <i>Sing Street </i>and <i>La La Land</i> is that the songs don't spontaneously erupt in a planetarium, but are personal pieces crafted around the plot. Conor initially doesn't know what kind of music he wants to play, and that's okay. Conor's surroundings shape the music he crafts which gives it a weight that most the songs in <i>La La Land </i>lack. We see and hear his style change after he listens to The Cure for the first time, he writes about his broken tween heart, and the final track, a rebellious Catholic school condemnation makes reference to several events and characters the narrative had previously introduced. It's always a good idea to write songs about your teachers.<br />
<br />
<i>Sing Street</i> is a coming-of-age musical about finding your passion, finding love, and the pains of growing up. It's been done before, but its got enough music and character to give it a fresh spin. You know, for a bitter old man, I picked a lot of feel good movies this year.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><u><b>EVERYTHING ELSE</b></u></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><u><b><br /></b></u></span>
<b>COULD EASILY BE ON THIS LIST</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Moonlight - </b>You saw how close it got.<br />
<b>The Nice Guys - </b>Ryan Gosling mumbles a bunch of amusing things.<br />
<b>20th Century Women - </b>Had some of my favorite lines of the year.<br />
<b>Blue Jay - </b>The last twenty minutes of <i>La La Land</i> for eighty minutes.<br />
<b></b><br />
<b>Hail Caesar - </b>C Tates performs the best musical set piece of the year.<br />
<b>The Witch</b> - This is why you can't argue with religious people. They always get your goat.<br />
<b>Captain Fantastic</b> - Viggo Mortensen raises delightfully precocious children in the woods.<br />
<b>Imperium</b> - You're a Nazi, Harry!<br />
<b>Green Room</b> - More Nazis.<br />
<b>Silence</b> - Issei Ogata should have won Best Supporting Actor.<br />
<b>The Edge of Seventeen</b> - Woody Harrelson bullies a teenage girl.<br />
<b>Manchester by the Sea -</b> Casey Affleck is so sad.<br />
<b>10 Cloverfield Lane - </b>A really good version of <i>Panic Room.</i><br />
<b>Elle - </b>Isabelle Huppert has a strange relationship with her rapist.<br />
<b>The Accountant - </b>The best superhero movie of the year.<br />
<b>The Founder - </b>Michael Keaton is good enough, smart enough, and for gosh sakes, people like burgers.<br />
<b>Nocturnal Animals - </b>There's a good story going, but they keep cutting to Amy Adams staring into space.<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>SOLID</b><br />
<br />
<b>Julieta - </b>Almodovar misses sometimes and only achieves the average.<br />
<b>Bad Moms - </b>Fun moms.<br />
<b>Equals - </b>I always told you emotions were bad.<br />
<b>Hidden Figures - </b>Way more entertaining than anyone would have thought.<br />
<b>Lion - </b>What if we took <i>Slumdog Millionaire</i>, reversed it, and made it worse?<br />
<b>Toni Erdmann - </b>I'm embarrassed to say that I'll probably enjoy the American remake more.<br />
<b>Men and Chicken - </b>I found this light and fun. You may find it horrifying.<br />
<b>The Fundamentals of Caring - </b>Sarcastic sad people hang out.<br />
<b>The Neon Demon - </b>LA will consume you. Move home.<br />
<b>Ghostbusters - </b>The trailers did it a disservice, but it was amusing.<br />
<b>Deadpool - </b>"McAvoy or Stewart" is the only joke you need.<br />
<b>Frank and Lola - </b>Gordon Ramsay gets a girlfriend.<br />
<b>Doctor Strange -</b> Curmudgeony Cumberbatch conjures cinematography. <br />
<b>Hacksaw Ridge - </b>Sugary sweet, but it'll make you feel good.<br />
<b>Rogue One -</b> Better than <i>The Force Awakens.</i><br />
<b>Snowden -</b> He sees you when you're sleeping.<br />
<b>Hello, My Name is Doris - </b>Sally Field gets hip.<br />
<div>
<b>Captain America: Civil War -</b> Wait, this wasn't Avengers 3?<br />
<b>Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates - </b>Bros do Hawaii.<br />
<b>War Dogs -</b> Bros sell weapons.</div>
<div>
<b>Passengers - </b>The Hollywood version of <i>Elle.</i></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<b>MEH</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>The Greasy Strangler -</b> An old man covers himself in grease and strangles people. I loved it.<br />
<b>Midnight Special - </b>Jeff Nichols is 0/2 this year.<br />
<b>Cafe Society -</b> Woody Allen tries again.<br />
<b>Pride and Prejudice and Zombies - </b>More progressive than you'd think.<br />
<b>Chevalier -</b> Some Greek dudes play a boring game.<br />
<b>Weiner Dog -</b> A weiner dog has mildly amusing owners.<br />
<b>A Monster Calls -</b> Liam Neeson is a tree that tells poor parables.<br />
<b>Billy Lynn's Long Halftime Walk - </b>Beyonce is mean.<br />
<b>Don't Think Twice -</b> A forgettable comedy about comics.<br />
<b>Fences - </b>Viola Davis blows artistic snot bubbles.<br />
<b>Love and Friendship -</b> Kate Beckinsale causes scandal in the 1700's.<br />
<b>High-Rise -</b> Life in a high rise turns silly and apocalyptic.<br />
<b>Paterson - </b>a boring guy writes boring poetry.<br />
<b>Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children -</b> The poor man's Harry Potter.<br />
<b>Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice -</b> Doomsday is in it, so you automatically know who wins.<br />
<b>American Honey -</b> The Hollywood version of <i>Spring Breakers</i>.<br />
<b>Loving - </b>Some people want to get married. People are mean.<br />
<b>Jackie -</b> Natalie Portman's sad acting party.<br />
<b>Certain Women - </b><i>Night Moves</i> is the only watchable Kelly Reichardt film.<br />
<b>My Blind Brother -</b> Adam Scott is blind. Comedy ensues.<br />
<b>Independence Day: Resurgence -</b> All national holidays feel a little bleaker these days.<br />
<b>The Wailing -</b> Basically a less interesting Korean version of <i>The Witch.</i><br />
<b>Nerve - </b>Truth or Dare and Youtube.<br />
<b>The Love Witch -</b> Faux-pretentious pulp trash. I say that with adoration.<br />
<b>X-Men Apocalypse -</b> The best thing I can say is that it was better than <i>Suicide Squad.</i><br />
<b>Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping - </b>Never Stop Never Watching.<br />
<b>Little Sister -</b> All nuns used to be goths.<br />
<b>Keanu - </b>There's a cat. Everything else is awful.<br />
<br />
<b>CINEMATIC TRAVESTIES</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Suicide Squad - </b>So disjointed it's almost avant-garde.<br />
<br />
<br />Dear Filmmakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16821218729910317499noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3842229596448725018.post-86637163347667677302016-02-27T02:16:00.000-05:002016-02-27T11:30:01.119-05:00The Top Ten Films of 2015.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTHw2fGnEpzNwd1_idha0aNdROBUXvLOh7-GYC7a7vGOSMyEmAhzgbRj5cInBdAa8uj58LMHzu3eaqNqJ2zDSqOU_l2hyphenhyphen0k1TXxrWpU_5Ke6685x1u2lJDRahjad1iKtviyBVgv6YXv3s/s1600/whitegod4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTHw2fGnEpzNwd1_idha0aNdROBUXvLOh7-GYC7a7vGOSMyEmAhzgbRj5cInBdAa8uj58LMHzu3eaqNqJ2zDSqOU_l2hyphenhyphen0k1TXxrWpU_5Ke6685x1u2lJDRahjad1iKtviyBVgv6YXv3s/s400/whitegod4.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I think there's something in my blind spot.</td></tr>
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The Oscars are Sunday and thus, I return to you. I actually made it an entire year without writing a single word, which coincides with my realization in November that I'd only seen a handful of 2015 films. I kept waiting for the barrage of theatrical must-sees. Then I realized that essential Hollywood was largely taking the back half of the year off. Don't let my pessimism get you down though, because I made up for lost time and saw a lot of good films in 2015. I'm just crabby because I liked 2014 too much, and nothing in 2015 blew me away like <i>The Guest</i> did. Before we get to my arbitrary ratings, let's hit some honorable mentions and talk about the movie I feel required to mention—even though I really don't want to.<br />
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<b><u>STAR WARS EPISODE VII: THE FORCE AWAKENS - The Elephant in the Room</u></b><br />
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You've all heard the criticisms, so I'll save you the rehash and just say that I don't get the overwhelmingly positive response. I understand that it's not the travesty that was Episode II, and that you're all pleased of the general lack of Jar Jar Binks; but even forgiving any and all arguable negatives, I think the film's only real strength is that it left us with the promise that future Star Wars films might be interesting. On its own, I don't think <i>The Force Awakens</i> was any better than <i>Jupiter Ascending</i> (which everybody hated), and I personally preferred <i>Ant Man</i> and even <i>Chappie. </i>On a scale from <i>The Incredible Four </i>to <i>Mad Max: Fury Road,</i> I give it an <i>Avengers: Age of Ultron. </i>For those of you keeping track, that's basically a <i>Jurassic World</i>, although the T-Rex gave me more feels than the Millennium Falcon did.<br />
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<b><u>THE TRIBE - Honorable Mention</u></b><br />
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<i>The Tribe</i> was a few narrative choices away from greatness, but it's understandably difficult to convey an articulate narrative through non-subtitled sign language. The main characters of the film attend a Ukrainian school for the deaf, and they spend their evenings pimping their female classmates at a nearby truck stop and mugging the local townsfolk. The lack of audible voices works well from a visual perspective: Most of the film is in long shot, and utilizes long takes that demand your attention. And although some scenes drag and others seem unnecessary, the banality of the day-to-day makes the tribe's sudden bouts of the ol' ultra-violence mesmerizing in comparison. I'd argue that if subtitles were added, the film wouldn't work; and that this claim highlights <i>The Tribe's</i> strengths as well as its weakness.<br />
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<b><u>The MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E - Honorable Mention</u></b><br />
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<i>The Man From U.N.C.L.E. </i>is a silly spy movie set in the 1960's in which a Russian and an America spy team up to prevent a nuclear crisis. It's basically a really white <i>Rush Hour</i>. The film never takes itself seriously and focuses more on one-liners and dad jokes than its plot; which is fine by me since the narrative is nothing to write home about. Still, it's an amusing film that I didn't see coming, and I'd rather watch this again than bother with <i>Spectre</i>.<br />
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And now for our annual countdown...<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">10. The Forbidden Room</span><br />
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Most of you can probably skip this one—and you are forgiven—but I love the delightfully insane, and Guy Maddin never disappoints in that respect. The film is a collection of small stories interspersed, opening on the instructional video "How to take a Bath" and quickly moving to an underwater submarine whose inhabitants consume flapjacks in order to conserve air (They have air pockets, you see). The narrative careens through various stories including skeletons who commit insurance fraud, a man who lives in an elevator, and a young boy who inherits his dead father's mustache. The film uses intertitles gratuitously, although many of the characters' lines are spoken; and the film crackles, burns, and pops as though it has been damaged over time. It becomes less exhilarating towards the end, but if it had maintained the momentum of the first hour it would have been number one on this list. If it's not on your radar yet, I assume you'll never see it, but please just watch <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YQw6KLJGf8" target="_blank">this scene</a>. You're welcome.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">9. Wild Tales</span><br />
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<i>Wild Tales</i> is a collection of six short stories about people who take justice into their own hands. None of the stories are intertwined (they're only linked thematically), but they all showcase an individual delightfully pushed to his/her limits. Some are darker or funnier than the others; but they're all well written, silly on occasion, and fun to watch. There's a waitress who is serving the gangster who ruined her family's life, a demolition expert whose car keeps getting towed no matter where he parks it, and a bride who discovers—at her own reception, no less—that her husband has cheated on her with one of the guests. Live vicariously through these folks as they lash out at their enemies; that's what cinema is for. I may like this film because I over-empathize with vigilantes—and I'm not sure if that's something I should tell people or not.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">8. It Follows</span><br />
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Children are the scariest real-life STD, but <i>It Follows</i> one-ups even the horrors of parenthood. After sleeping with her boyfriend for the first time, Jay finds out she's come down with a sexually transmitted curse: a shape-shifting supernatural force in the form of a person that will slowly walk towards her until it catches up—and kills her. The only way to get rid of it is to pass it on to someone else, a duty that the neighborhood boys will volunteer for even though they know the consequence. <i>It Follows</i> succeeds not because it abandons the familiar horror tropes, but because it tweaks them just enough to keep things interesting. Modern horror tends to feel the need to explain its monsters, but Jay and her friends spend the film evading theirs rather than trying to understand its origin. It's also more terrifying to have a monster that slowly staggers through the background, than a barely seen creature that pops up occasionally (with an obnoxious sound effect, mostly likely) only to quickly disappear. I know I normally hate horror films, but that's usually because they are bad; and <i>It Follows</i> is the important exception, as it reminds us that if we have sex, we will get pregnant. And die.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">7. The Revenant</span><br />
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<i>The Revenant </i>is basically <i>The Grey</i>—except it has better cinematography, and less interesting characters. It's probably the best movie from this year that I'll never watch a second time. I did enjoy it, I just really don't think that Leonardo DiCaprio crawling around the woods counts as essential cinema. That being said, I don't mind if it wins Best Picture. My only Best Picture hope is that <i>Spotlight </i>doesn't win because, while it's not a boring film, it's a boring piece of film-making. In fact, I consider all of the nominees to be good films, which I don't think has happened since the early 2000's when there were only five nominees. If you haven't noticed yet, this is the film in the list that we pause to talk about Best Picture nominees, because the movie was good but it's not interesting to talk about. Tom Hardy was good. All right, we're done.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">6. What We Do in the Shadows</span><br />
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This is the only film throughout 2015 that I knew would end up on this list, and it was the first 2015 film I saw. It's a vampire mockumentary from the creators of <i>Flight of the Conchords </i>and it exists in the same vein as <i>Spinal Tap</i>. It focuses on a group of vampire flat mates who graciously invite us into their homes and show us how they divide chores, where they go out, and who they choose to eat. A new roommate moves in and stirs up trouble, but thankfully, he has a delightful human friend whom everyone gets along with. It's a story of vampires without the romanticized, Gothic glamour of traditional vampire stories, and it's rather enjoyable to watch as they take their bumbling bloodlust up to eleven. There are vampire hunters, werewolves trying not to curse (Werewolves, not Swearwolves), and eventually a meeting with the dreaded Beast. It's all quite delightful, and easy to recommend to just about anyone.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">5. Dope</span><br />
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<i>Dope </i>is a breath of fresh air for a number of reasons. First of all, it's really good. It's also a teen comedy that's not about cancer, sex, hating your parents or endless love. It's a movie about being yourself—and diggin' it. Malcolm and his two best friends are growing up in a tough neighborhood and are repeatedly picked on for liking "white things" like skateboards, Donald Glover, and getting good grades. Eventually, the geek world and the gangster world collide, and after a party interrupted by rival gangs, Malcolm finds his backpack filled with drugs, and the plot escalates from there. When confronted with the challenge of ridding themselves of this contraband, they do so in the dorkiest way possible: using their brains.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">4. Mad Max: Fury Road</span><br />
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High-quality action movies usually fly under the radar (<i>Ong Bak, The Raid, Dredd</i>, to name a few) and more recently, the popular action films tend to be more attributable to other genres: Science fiction in the case of <i>Edge of Tomorrow</i>, spy thriller in the case of <i>Spectre </i>or <i>Mission Impossible</i>, or any number of superhero movies which are basically a genre of their own at this point. And <i>Mad Max </i>undoubtedly exists in a world of science fiction, but it is an action movie through and through. In fact, almost the entire movie is one long car chase; but it's a large-scale, exciting and wondrous car chase, complete with flamethrower guitar players. And it's the most critically acclaimed film of the year. There's nothing more to explain here, you know exactly what you're getting into.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">3. The Big Short</span><br />
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If you were only able to see one movie from 2015, it should be this one. If you still don't understand the institutional incompetence that caused the financial crisis, this is the movie to explain it to you. Rather, celebrities will explain it to you. While it follows the characters who figured out the housing bubble and bet against it before it collapsed, the film's real goal is to educate you in an entertaining way. Anthony Bourdain shows up to explain C.D.O.'s (they're three-day-old fish), Selena Gomez teaches us all about synthetic C.D.O.'s and Margot Robbie shows up in a bubble bath to explain something else (I was distracted). The film interrupts itself multiple times to clarify truths and to occasionally tell you when it's modifying the truth for a narrative effect, and that is absolutely delightful. The characters are more of a means to driving the narrative, but they do curse at each other quite a bit, which is always fun. This film probably should be number one on this list, but I would have felt guilty since it's basically a documentary. And as we all know, documentaries are ineligible.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">2. Brooklyn</span><br />
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<i>Brooklyn</i> may be the bravest movie of the year. I say that because there's no violence, no nudity, and it's a period piece in which no one gets tricked into becoming a prostitute or joining an army. Seriously, I kept waiting for the melodramatic shoe to drop. But, by golly, it never did. Instead, we get a delightfully chaste tale about a young Irish girl who comes to America and meets a nice Italian boy. It may make <strike>me</strike> you cry, but it's realism not melodrama. It's a film about moving on, and having split loyalties: leaving behind old loved ones for new ones, and the guilt in having to make that choice. It's well shot, well acted, and above all else, Joaquin Phoenix is nowhere to be found... I really hated <i>The Immigrant</i>.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">1. Chi-Raq</span><br />
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Let me begin by saying that, if we look at <i>Chi-Raq</i> objectively, it's clearly not the best film of the year. It's drastically uneven, both thematically and in respects to the narrative. It bounces between comedy, melodrama, documentary and musical. Characters move in and out of it quickly; some are satirical, some are deadly serious, and a lot of them are paper thin. There are a few scenes that don't fit quite right, and one that is just blatantly bad. All that being said, I really enjoyed this ambitious mess.<br />
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<i>Chi-Raq</i> is an adaptation of the Greek play <i>Lysistrata</i>, in which the women of ancient Greece go on a sex strike in protest of the Peloponnesian war. In <i>Chi-Raq</i>, Ancient Greece is replaced by modern-day Chicago, and the Peloponnesian war is replaced by gang violence in the south side. Like it's source material, <i>Chi-Raq </i>is written largely in verse, but it's all phrased in a modern vernacular and chock full of cultural references. To simplify things, it's mostly slam poetry about guns and sex. The dialogue is smart and sharp, often making use of pop culture, current events and ridiculous metaphors. And while the film is incredibly funny, it's also incredibly serious about gang violence. The focal point of the film is the death of a seven-year-old girl shot dead by a stray bullet. There's legitimate dramatic impact as we see a mother scrubbing her daughter's blood from the sidewalk, and while some of the dramatic moments are borderline farcical, there are others that make an impression.<br />
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Unfortunately—and understandably, some of you will be put off by the film's politics. It is, after all, a satirical and simplified narrative pertaining to a very complex problem. Sometimes it preaches, sometimes it doesn't say enough. The film begins and ends with the message, "This is an emergency." And while a sex strike isn't the real solution, the film certainly provokes a dialogue; and that's all we need cinema to do.<br />
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<b><u><span style="font-size: large;">EVERYTHING ELSE</span></u></b><br />
<b><u><br /></u></b>
<b>THE STRONG</b><br />
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<b>The Man from U.N.C.L.E.</b> - I confused this with <i>The Kingsman </i>until 30 minutes in.<br />
<b>Ex Machina - </b>This has also been my experience with women.<br />
<b>The Gift - </b>Unexpectedly good, even with the predictable ending.<br />
<b>Room </b>- If they were in the room any longer, I would have lost it.<br />
<b>The Martian - </b>Matt Damon's stand-up comedy show.<br />
<b>A Pigeon Sat on a Branch Reflecting on Existence -</b> Delightfully strange.<br />
<b>The Tribe - </b>Every ginger gets his day.<br />
<b>Appropriate Behavior - </b><i>Trainwreck</i> for Middle Eastern lesbians.<br />
<b>Youth - </b>A delightful film about nothing and everything. But it's still not <i>The Great Beauty.</i><br />
<b>White God - </b>#DogLivesMatter. That is seriously the gist of the movie. Pictured at the top of the post.<br />
<b>Sicario - </b>Can we give Benicio Del Toro Best Supporting actor? What is this Stallone nonsense?<br />
<b>Trumbo - </b>Another film to make you mad at the government. There were a lot this year.<br />
<b>The Duke of Burgundy - </b>50 Shades of Gay. Lesbians who like moths and masochism.<br />
<b>Steve Jobs - </b>No one cares about Steve Jobs. Why was this made and why was it good?<br />
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<b>THE GOOD</b><br />
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<b>Crimson Peak - </b>It was a good horror film that developed into a weak mystery.<br />
<b>Bridge of Spies - </b>Tom Hanks just doin' Tom Hanks things.<br />
<b>Beasts of No Nation - </b>I liked it until it turned into <i>Apocalypse Now</i>.<br />
<b>Creed - </b>This was a good <i>Rocky</i> movie. But it's still just a <i>Rocky </i>movie.<br />
<b>Far From the Madding Crowd - </b>Another period piece I didn't hate. The woman made the men feel bad for a change, thank God.<br />
<b>The Diary of a Teenage Girl - </b>Eric Northman has a mustache. Alert the media.<br />
<b>Victoria - </b>This was actually filmed in one take. Take that, <i>Birdman</i>.<br />
<b>Carol - </b><i>The Duke of Burgundy</i> without the moths or the cinematography.<br />
<b>The End of the Tour - </b>Jason Segal is the man I hope to become.<br />
<b>Pitch Perfect 2 - </b>A sequel that had no business being good, but was anyway.<br />
<b>Paper Towns - </b>This was top ten worthy until the third act.<br />
<b>45 Years - </b>Old people being mad at each other.<br />
<b>Sleeping With Other People - </b>Your Romantic Comedy of the Year.<br />
<b>Ant Man - </b>Even the minor superhero movies are going to wear out their welcome soon.<br />
<b>Inside Out - </b>Better than <i>Frozen.</i> Still overrated.<br />
<b>Bone Tomahawk - </b>The hills have eyes. And throat whistles.<br />
<b>Mississippi Grind - </b>Ryan Reynolds and an old guy play poker.<br />
<b>Infinitely Polar Bear - </b>Mark Ruffalo is bi-polar and his kids call it polar bear. Stupid kids.<br />
<b>Maggie - </b>Arnold Schwarzenegger watches his daughter die. She wants to eat him.<br />
<b>Truth - </b>This is why journalism barely exists now.<br />
<b>Spotlight - </b>Engaging, but it takes no risks and the ending is too tidy.<br />
<b>Slow West - </b>Slow walk. There's a really bad visual joke at the end that made me giggle.<br />
<b>Clouds of Sils Maria - </b>Woman is sad she's getting old. Other woman gets sick of hearing about it.<br />
<b>Song One - </b>Short-haired Anne Hathaway meets a cute boy because her brother is in a coma.<br />
<b>The Overnight - </b>This is surprisingly dark, creepy, and good.<br />
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<b>THE MEH:</b><br />
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<b>Mistress America - </b>Noah Baumbach misses. Also, I'm still not sold on Greta Gerwig.<br />
<b>Predestination - </b>So bad, but so good. <i>Gattaca</i> meets<i> Inception</i> and has a sex change before meeting <i>Back to the Future.</i><br />
<b>While We're Young - </b>Old people idolize young people and then realize that they're actually dumb.<br />
<b>Mommy - </b>This is why you don't have kids.<br />
<b>Sisters - </b>I'm still holding out that adult parties will revert to this.<br />
<b>Trainwreck - </b>Someone get Lebron James an Oscar.<br />
<b>Chappie - </b>I'll watch Die Antwoord do whatever. Better than Elysium no matter what you say.<br />
<b>Results - </b>Another amusing dark comedy for you.<br />
<b>Tokyo Tribe - </b>A ludicrous musical that I enjoyed, but I expect more from Shion Sono.<br />
<b>Avengers: Age of Ultron - </b>The first one was enough.<br />
<b>Me and Earl and the Dying Girl - </b>I would watch all these kids' home movies, but not this movie.<br />
<b>Jurassic World - </b>The story of Hollywood. Bigger, faster, meaner, and completely lacking characters.<br />
<b>I'll See you In My Dreams - </b>Old people get sad.<br />
<b>The Hateful Eight - </b>The Painful Wait...for the movie to get good. It did eventually.<br />
<b>Welcome to Me - </b>A weirdo wins the lottery and becomes Oprah.<br />
<b>The Last Five Years - </b>A random musical that was decidedly Meh.<br />
<b>Jupiter Ascending - </b>Channing Tatum flies through space.<br />
<b>Office - </b>A Chinese musical that needed to be campier.<br />
<b>Love - </b>The romantic <i>Nymphomaniac.</i><br />
<b>The Danish Girl - </b>Not as bad as <i>Theory of Everything</i>. That's still not praise.<br />
<b>Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens - </b>Better than Episode 2. Maybe 1.<br />
<b>Irrational Man - </b>I need another <i>Midnight in Paris</i> from Woody Allen before he dies.<br />
<b>The D Train - </b>James Marsden sleeps with whomever he wants.<br />
<b>Anomalisa - </b>Baby's first Kaufman movie. I liked the concept, not the execution.<br />
<b>Queen of Earth - </b>Elizabeth Moss having a mental breakdown is not entertainment.<br />
<b>Straight Outta Compton - </b>The first hour was good. Then the screenplay turned into Ice Cube and Dre tooting their own horns and trying to make themselves look like the good guys.<br />
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<b>AND THE UGLY:</b><br />
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<b>Manglehorn - </b>Al Pacino does some old guy things and no one cares.<br />
<b>Southpaw - </b>Jake Gyllenhaal mumbles some stuff.<br />
<b>Legend - </b>I thought two Tom Hardys would guarantee success. Not even close.<br />
<b>Joy - </b>Or the absence of it. Jennifer Lawrence is surrounded by horrible human beings.<br />
<b>Fifty Shades of Grey - </b>It wasn't even funny. Just really bad.<br />
<b>Tangerine - </b>Stupid people yelling at each other in a donut shop.<br />
<b>The Ridiculous 6 - </b>Everyone involved in this should be ashamed and leave the entertainment business for good.<br />
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Dear Filmmakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16821218729910317499noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3842229596448725018.post-67141107666737686692015-02-21T14:24:00.000-05:002015-02-21T14:24:13.660-05:00The Top 10 Films of 2014. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It's so tempting to Photoshop Nicolas Cage into the negative space.</td></tr>
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After another five month hiatus, I'm back for the yearly staple. We have a record low of one Best Picture nominee gracing the top 10 this year, which goes to show that I have severely different tastes than ridiculously old white people. Turns out, most of the great films of the year were fairly divisive, and we all know that you can't win a Best Picture award if you leave people feeling uncomfortable. As always, documentaries and animated films are ineligible as I didn't make an effort to see all (or any) of them. Here are your honorary awards.<br />
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<b>The Movie I Loved that Everyone Hated - THIS IS WHERE I LEAVE YOU</b></div>
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If, at some point, a movie has a man and a woman lying on their backs talking about their feelings, you're probably going to have a good time. Yes, <i>This is Where I Leave You</i> has a pretty basic plot, some cliche narrative devices, and offers no great insight into the state of humanity; but it captures the pointed sarcasm of family banter that is usually only found in the occasional television drama, and that's enough for me. It's basically the version of <i>The</i> <i>Skeleton Twins</i> that doesn't try to pretend it's a drama. Now that I've mentioned it as being of note, you'll probably hate it.</div>
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<b>A Free Netflix Suggestion For You - THE ONE I LOVE</b></div>
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I wouldn't call it the best movie from 2014 currently on Netflix, but we'll be discussing <i>Snowpiercer</i> shortly, and you probably wouldn't watch <i>Ida </i>after you found out that it isn't in color or in English. <i>The One I Love</i> is a small-scale, science-fiction romance in which a married couple go on retreat in an attempt to like each other again. That's all the synopsis you get. Take a break from watching <i>The Office</i> for the fiftieth time and try something new. Also recommended on Netflix: <i>Frank, Chef, Joe, and Blue Ruin.</i></div>
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<b>The Best Romantic Abortion Comedy of all Time - OBVIOUS CHILD</b></div>
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You may think I'm making a joke, but "romantic abortion comedy" is exactly how everyone should describe <i>Obvious Child</i>. It's a simple tale of girl meets boy, girl gets really drunk with boy, girl sleeps with boy, girl tries to ignore boy, girl finds out she's pregnant with boy's child. Amidst all of this, the girl realizes that she hasn't figured out how to take care of herself yet. The film plays out like <i>Frances Ha</i>, but with a pregnant Greta Gerwig. And yes, the abortion is romantic. No seriously, they make it cute. It's weird.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">10. Only Lovers Left Alive</span><br />
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If you've been married to the same person for a few centuries, it's probably smart to live in separate countries. That way, you can show up and get your boo out of that funk he's been in, and you don't waste time bickering over the state of the toilet seat. Turns out, being a vampire is rough on the psyche these days. Adam's bummed out by all the ignorant humans (Zombies, he calls them) and their terrifying mediocrity. It's a film about getting old and understanding that everyone else is an idiot, and the realization that the only things that matter are great love and great art. <i>Only Lovers Left Alive</i> is one of the few films I watched twice this year, and it's interesting because neither time did I find myself blown away. However, out of all the films this year, I find it creeping around my brain the most. I'll chalk that up to the fact that I self-identify as an aging, hipster vampire.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">9. Snowpiercer</span><br />
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I just realized this list has three Tilda Swinton movies in it; here's the second in a row. If you like the basic premises of <i>Divergent </i>and <i>The Hunger Games</i>, but want to watch a real movie, <i>Snowpiercer </i>is available on Netflix now. It takes place on the last vessel of humanity, a giant train repeatedly circling the globe amidst an iced over Earth. The train cars are divided by social class, with the poor at the back, until Chris Evans decides to go all Rosa Parks on everybody and lead a revolution to the front of the train. The societal tropes are heavy-handed, but the narrative plays out like an over-the-top, steam punk comic, so it all sort of works. It's essentially a smart blockbuster without a blockbuster release, blending humor and action in the right places and asking the question that <i>Interstellar</i> forgot to ask: At what cost is humanity worth preserving?<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">8. Starred Up</span><br />
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Going to prison with your dad is kind of like going to school when your dad is a teacher: if you get in trouble, he's going to know about it. Such is the case in <i>Starred Up</i>, in which nineteen-year-old Eric Love is transferred to grown-up prison for being exceptionally violent. His arrival quickly results in a bit of the ol' ultra-violence, the <i>Clockwork Orange</i> reference necessitated by the fact that it's easier to understand the characters in the Kubric classic than it is to decipher the slang and the accents here. Luckily, you can always use a logical guess or turn on the subtitles to learn that everyone in British prison calls each other "blood" or "bruv" continuously. Regardless of the verbiage, <i>Starred Up</i> is a very raw portrayal of systemic violence, the prison system, and familial love between morons. There are no Morgan Freeman voiceovers to simplify the emotions to you, but the film also spares us the non-essential details. It's just one pissed off dude trying to figure it all out.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">7. Dear White People</span><br />
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It would have been easy for the creators of <i>Dear White People</i> to throw together a bunch of clever one liners about the stupid things white people do (I've got plenty) and call it a day. And while these one liners do exist throughout the film, they're not the focal point, and <i>Dear White People</i> ends up being a more effective examination of black culture than it does of ignorant white people (Whom most of us already have a pretty good understanding of). The most cutting deconstruction of white behavior comes from the subtle stereotyping, but it makes an exceptional, and mostly successful, effort to dissect the complex motivations of its main black characters. Of course, this wouldn't be such a feat if it were a regular cinematic fixture. As the film itself correctly advises, black character representation in cinema is exceedingly lacking. The climax of the film is a "black-face" party thrown by the white students, which is so seemingly implausible that it necessitates the citing of real world events as sources as the credits roll. Race roles are confusing, and <i>Dear White People </i>admits and embraces that. It's not the finger-shaking guilt trip your grandmother warned you about.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">6. The Zero Theorem</span><br />
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<i>The Zero Theorem</i> wouldn't have even been on my radar if it weren't directed by Terry Gilliam, as it got middling reviews and I was busy watching a billion mundane biopics. Luckily, I have faith in the man who made <i>Monty Python and the Holy Grail, 12 Monkeys, </i>and <i>Brazil </i>(Shame on you for not knowing who Terry Gilliam is),<i> </i>so the Tilda Swinton triple feature is complete. <i>The Zero Theorem'</i>s major critics blast it for being an overstuffed rewrite of <i>Brazil, </i>and my question to them is, "Why wouldn't you want to watch that?" It's a long established fact that I love ambitious trainwrecks (See <i>Southland Tales</i>), and the rule applies here. There are some strong future jokes, an over-exuberant display of set design and cinematography, and computer programming is apparently now exactly the same as hacking the Gibson in <i>Hackers. </i>It's a delightful tale of a man waiting on divine intervention, while attempting to disprove the meaning in everything, and accidentally finding and missing the meaning he so desperately seeks.<i> </i>Working from home really is the best, isn't it?<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">5. Whiplash</span><br />
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If you haven't seen <i>Whiplash</i> yet, it's exactly what you think it is: J.K. Simmons yelling and throwing things at people trying to make them better at jazz. What you'll likely find surprising, is how much you enjoy watching it. The main takeaway from the film is summed up in the trailer, so we might as well cover it here: "Is telling people that they're doing a good job, when they have room for improvement hindering their shot at greatness?" It's a simple theme, but the film doesn't pretend otherwise, and J.K Simmons gives an extremely effective character study on the balance between motivation and bullying. The film does make a few groan-inducing narrative choices, but it's all in the interest of making way to the excellent finale, so I suppose I forgive it.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">4. The Guest</span><br />
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I kind of love tongue-in-cheek films that feature badass dudes just being badasses. <i>The Guest</i> is the story one such badass visiting the family of his departed military comrade, and then just generally being awesome while synth music plays. If you watched <i>Drive</i> and wished it were a comedy, you'll find exactly what you need here. There's not a lot to unravel, the motivations behind the titular David are explained only briefly, but exposition isn't needed. <i>The Guest </i>is simply a funny, action-packed thriller so self-aware that you can regularly imagine the director giggling from behind the camera. It gets exceedingly violent in its later stages, and leads us towards the final confrontation—which results in one of the greatest 'thumb's up' ever given onscreen.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">3. Why Don't You Play in Hell?</span><br />
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So, here's the thing. Shion Sono (maybe more accurately—and for lack of a better term, Asian shock cinema) movies are my Hollywood blockbuster. The first time I watch them, I get lost in them and forget to put on my critic glasses. Until ten minutes ago, <i>Why Don't You Play in Hell</i> was, without a doubt, the number one film on this list. In the interest of second-guessing myself, I watched it again—and I still loved it, but for all the campy facial expressions and pure passion pumped into it, it's a bit tedious in it's overall construction and lasting relevance. That may sound like some film school bullshit (especially to those of you reading this list and wondering where the hell <i>Guardians of the Galaxy </i>is), but artistic relevance is important. <i>Why Don't You Play in Hell</i> is a hilarious love letter to cinema, in a Martin Scorcese meets Jon Waters sort of way, but it's pure entertainment. There's nothing wrong with that, as great entertainment is greater than better-than-average art, but there were two films this year that provided a greater blend of both. But if you want to watch two Yakuza clans do battle while a group of filmmakers and a guy in a Bruce Lee costume film it, this one is for you. And the toothpaste song is the best.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">2. Gone Girl</span><br />
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The first rule about <i>Gone Girl</i> is that you don't talk about <i>Gone Girl</i> until you're sure everyone in the room has seen it. This is coming from someone who absolutely hates it when people cry about spoilers. Most things do not have spoilers; <i>Gone Girl </i>has spoilers. Remember when the main character died in <i>Psycho? </i>That was a major narrative transition formerly unheard of. While not nearly as groundbreaking, <i>Gone Girl'</i>s narrative transitions exist on that level and are navigated incredibly well. While you may not be a narrative junkie as much as I am, the film also offers up some delightful black comedy, a bit of violence, and some food for thought in the ever-raging battle between husband and wife. Extra credit has been applied for the sadly realistic portrayal of the American media. The only bad thing about <i>Gone Girl</i> is that I can't post a detailed report of everything that's great about it in my spoiler-free synopsis.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">1. Nightcrawler</span><br />
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At some point, I swapped <i>Nightcrawler </i>with <i>Gone Girl</i>, so let's call it a tie. They're both thematically similar; Jake Gyllenhaal being our operative psychopath in this adventure. Both films were undoubtedly America's strongest major releases (with credit to <i>Birdman </i>and <i>Whiplash</i>), unless you bought into the distilled concept art of <i>Boyhood</i> (shame on you). But as previously mentioned, <strike>zombies</strike> people don't like feeling uncomfortable. And uncomfortable they shall feel as Gyllenhaal transforms himself into a nightmare seeking the American dream. <i>Nightcrawler</i> would have been acceptable as a character study on Gyllenhaal being deplorable, but there's also a well written thriller here, which makes it that much better. Gyllenhaal is terrifying and marvelous as he lies, cheats, and sabotages to get what he wants; all under the guise of hard work and motivation, making him even more sinister. </div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">EVERYTHING ELSE:</span><br />
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<b>CONSIDERED FOR THE #9 AND #10 SLOTS:</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Interstellar - </b>Another messy train wreck that is fun to watch but too easy to forget.<br />
<b>Obvious Child - </b>It's not your mother's romantic comedy.<br />
<b>Ida - </b>A beautifully photographed film filled with nuanced themes that I'll never watch again.<br />
<b>The Drop - </b>Tom Hardy plays a big oaf who loves dogs and protecting his own.<br /><b>The One I Love - </b>If <i>Being John Malkovich</i> were a romance.<br />
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<b>THE STRONG:</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>This is Where I leave You - </b>I could watch Adam Driver mock people all day.<br />
<b>Guardians of the Galaxy - </b>Just like the Avengers, as good a superhero movie that you'll ever get.<br />
<b>Begin Again - </b>Reads like the American <i>Once, </i>wrapped in a little Hollywood bow.<br />
<b>Birdman - </b>Keaton and Norton are splendid, but I couldn't embrace it thematically.<br />
<b>Joe - </b>Nicolas Cage made his own version of <i>Mud. </i>It's not as good, but it does have Nic Cage.<br />
<b>Edge of Tomorrow - </b>Tom Cruise dies over and over again and everybody is happy to see that.<br />
<b>The Imitation Game - </b>It's got enough humor and intrigue to overcome the usual biopic humdrum.<br />
<b>Maps to the Stars - </b>A funny, messy, Hollywood satire with—you guessed it! Julianne Moore.<br /><b>Chef - </b>Jon Favreau makes food and clearly eats a lot of it. I'm not fat shaming, I'm envious.<br />
<b>Selma - </b>A very well constructed biopic that focuses on one event rather than giving us another MLK origin tale.<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>STILL GOOD:</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Magic in the Moonlight - </b>Basically a less funny <i>Whatever Works</i>, but it's still delightful.<br />
<b>Boyhood - </b>The method doesn't justify the blandness or the inclusion of two drunk stepfathers.<br />
<b>We are the Best - </b>A cute, forgettable Swedish film about 13-year old female hipsters.<br />
<b>Frank - </b>Fassbender wears a paper mache head and sings songs. What's not to like?<br />
<b>Blue Ruin - </b>A homeless dude starts a war with a hillbilly family.<br />
<b>Kill the Messenger - </b>J. Renner exposes government corruption and they take him down. Just like today.<br />
<b>Leviathan - </b>We get it. Power corrupts, God is dead, and the everyman suffers.<br />
<b>A Most Violent Year - </b>It's okay to do bad things as long as you try to be nice.<br />
<b>What If - </b>What if you liked a girl and she had a boyfriend?! OMG life is so hard.<br />
<b>The Skeleton Twins - </b>If you sing with your sister, she stops being sad.<br />
<b>Pride </b>- Gay people hanging out with miners results in plenty of easy jokes.<br />
<b>White Bird in a Blizzard - </b>A meandering mystery that is intriguing but anti-climactic.<br />
<b>American Sniper - </b>Has hints of social commentary, but it comes in a glamoured up package.<br />
<b>In Your Eyes - </b>Joss Whedon wrote this, so I watched it.<br />
<b>Nymphomaniac - </b>I want to spend the next ten years trying to edit this into a great movie.<br />
<b>Noah - </b>I love the lunacy of this film. If it weren't based on a biblical tale, it would be crap.<br />
<b>Neighbors - </b>Getting old and hating teenagers is kind of fun.<br />
<b>The Grand Budapest Hotel - </b>Wes Anderson made another movie just like the last three.<br />
<b>God Help the Girl - </b>A musical that needed a little more fun, a little less brooding from the lead.<br />
<b>22 Jump Street - </b>We get it, guys. C Tates and Jonah Hill are gay for each other. Ease up.<br /><b>St. Vincent - </b>Unfortunately more saccharine than funny. But still funny and a little weepy.<br />
<b>Captain America: Winter Soldier - </b>The first one was so bad.<br />
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<b>NOT TERRIBLE:</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Force Majeure - </b>A couple bickers uncontrollably and irrationally. It's annoying.<br />
<b>Fury - </b>A war gets fought. Shia Labeouf is a weirdo.<br />
<b>The Interview - </b>Not as offensive as I thought it was going to be.<br />
<b>Listen Up Phillip - </b>Jason Shwartzman is a pedantic jerk who hangs out with an older pedantic jerk.<br />
<b>Men, Women and Children - </b>The internet is ruining everyone and everything.<br />
<b>Cold In July - </b>A mystery never gets answered and instead the characters kill some bad people.<br />
<b>Premature - </b>A Groundhog Day high school comedy that repeats itself after...well.<br />
<b>Laggies - </b>Old people watched this movie, shook their fists and grumbled, "Millenials."<br />
<b>Starry Eyes - </b>A Hollywood starlet tries to get a role, whines about it, and then a horror movie.<br />
<b>X-Men: Days of Future Past - </b>I liked the JFK jokes and Quicksilver, that's about it.<br />
<b>The Babadook - </b>This was probably good but I can't stand horror movies that have annoying children.<br />
<b>Wish I was Here - </b>Zach Braff puts every groanable indie flick cliche into one movie.<br />
<b>Wild - </b>Reese Witherspoon walks and cries about her mom.<br />
<b>Big Eyes - </b>Christopher Waltz yells a lot.<br />
<b>The Immigrant - </b>Welcome to America. Home of exploitation.<br />
<b>Under the Skin - </b>ScarJo seduces men and dips them in black goo.<br />
<b>Night Moves - </b>Damn vegans.<br />
<b>A Million Ways to Die in the West - </b>Fart jokes with the occasional witty history joke.<br /><b>Le Weekend - </b>Old people grumbling at each other in France.<br />
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<b>CINEMATIC TRAVESTIES:</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>The Theory of Everything - </b>You have to like it because he's in a wheelchair.<br />
<b>Foxcatcher - </b>Two morons mumbling nonsense at each other.<br />
<b>A Most Wanted Man - </b>Phillip Seymour Hoffman being dull for two hours.<br />
<b>Inherent Vice - </b>Incoherent Vice. Not that I mind incoherent things if they're actually interesting.<br />
<b>If I stay - </b>This actually wasn't that bad for a movie that didn't try to be good—At all. She stays.<br />
<b>Into the Woods - </b>I could handle the rapy vibe for the first hour or so and then it went south.<br />
<b>Fading Gigolo - </b>I've wiped this from my memory.<br /><b>The Double - </b>I can't even handle one Jesse Eisenberg.</div>
Dear Filmmakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16821218729910317499noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3842229596448725018.post-41309669258055069222014-08-08T19:32:00.000-04:002014-08-08T19:32:43.507-04:00Boyhood: Richard Linklater's Battle Against Alcoholic Stepfathers.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Dear Richard Linklater,</div>
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You worked wonders with <i>Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, </i>and <i>Before Midnight</i>. Every nine years, you gave us another great movie focused on the same two people in various stages of their relationship. The series evolved with its characters; what began as a starry-eyed romance ended as an explosive bout within a long term relationship. With only two hours every nine years, you created a believable relationship between two very real characters that easily produced empathy.</div>
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With <i>Boyhood, </i>you've attempted the opposite. Instead of giving us the snapshots and letting us fill in the blanks, you've provided a full twelve years in one character's life. We watch as Mason, the boy in question, grows from a child into a young man. Unfortunately, the effect is not the same. There isn't enough time for both Mason's life story and the emotions that accompany it; and at times, Mason seems more of a peripheral figure than a protagonist.</div>
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The film opens with a five-year-old Mason, living with his mother and sister, as his mother prepares the family to move. The first few years of Mason's life successfully establish the family unit: the bratty sister, the single mom struggling to provide for the family, and the previously absent father who reunites with the occasional weekend visit. For the most part, it's Mason's parents who exhibit the most growth throughout the running time. His mother pursues her degree and becomes a college professor, while his father quits smoking and buys a minivan (the ultimate sign of maturity).</div>
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Along the way, the other characters just get in the way. Too much time is spent on Mason's first alcoholic stepfather, and a few years later we're treated to a second alcoholic stepfather. The focal point of the second act is not Mason's adolescence, but on his changing familial landscape. Mason finally becomes a character around the time he hits high school, but even then he's basically the kid from American Beauty— snapping weird pictures of things that no one cares about and spouting exposition on the destructive tendencies of social media.<br />
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The most honest moments take place between Mason and his father (Ethan Hawke), who seems to be the only person able to get a real conversation out of our protagonist. Hawke provokes a larger commentary on Mason's life and direction that is lacking from the rest of the film, and he doesn't shy from commenting on his own experiences in order to provide some perspective on his son's current state of mind.<br />
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So, to summarize, I needed more Ethan Hawke, which I'm sure most people aren't used to hearing (Some people shy away from flamboyant facial hair). A twelve year endeavor should have a theme, or at least allow us to identify with it's main character. That's not to say that <i>Boyhood</i> is a bad film, but much of its success hinges on the comedy of every day life, rather than its characters. A film about adolescence should provoke a connection, but the scope of the timeline gets in the way. The twelve year timeline should be reserved for television, Richard. In television, you can cover years of an adolescence, but still have enough time within seasons to fully expound upon the moments that form the characters. What you've attempted to do—for lack of a better example—is comparable to taking three hours to summarize the plot of <i>Boy Meets World; </i>you can hit the major plot points, but you're going to miss out on important subtleties. <br />
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This is not to say I didn't enjoy <i>Boyhood. </i>I certainly see why 99% of critics have labeled it "fresh" on Rotten Tomatoes. Realism is always refreshing, and although I didn't connect to the characters as much as I would have liked, a slightly disappointing drama is always better than a slightly disappointing blockbuster.<br />
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7/10<br />
2/4<br />
3/5<br />
B-Dear Filmmakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16821218729910317499noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3842229596448725018.post-49356865067234302092014-08-08T17:00:00.001-04:002014-08-08T17:02:05.122-04:00Guardians of the Galaxy: The Avengers Youth Team.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i>Guardians of the Galaxy</i> gets bonus points for following <i>The Avengers</i> formula without depending on five origin films to set up all the character development necessary to facilitate the coming together of its main characters. That being said, the film immediately thrusts its wise-cracking protagonists into an intergalactic religious war; pausing only momentarily to produce thin explanations for the necessary plot devices. The complexities of why–or honestly even who–the Guardians are fighting, don't seem to matter to the filmmakers. Thankfully, it doesn't really matter to the audience either.<br />
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<a name='more'></a><i>Guardians</i> opens on our primary protagonist, Chris Pratt, as a little boy rocking out to the hits of the eighties while his mom dies of cancer. Shortly after, he gets kidnapped by space hoodlums and the film moves 25 years into the future to show off Chris Pratt's hot dance moves and thievery skills. Unfortunately, Pratt stole a cool orb that the the Hitler of space wants. Thanos is also involved solely so that Marvel nerds can squeal in enjoyment.<br />
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Anyway, Space Hitler sends Gamora (the green one) to obtain the orb from Pratt, and they end up in prison with Rocket the Raccoon, Groot the tree, and Drax, the ripped blue guy. The minimal character backstory we get mostly comes through conversation in the prison: Rocket was made from some experiment, Space Hitler killed Drax's family, Gamora is supposedly Thanos' adopted daughter and has a sister or something...and no one knows what Groot is. <br />
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But from the prison on, the spectacle is all that matters. The film carries itself through the rest of its running time riding on wisecracks from Chris Pratt and the gang (except for Gamora, no one likes her). There's a certain enjoyment derived from the knowledge that Vin Diesel was hired to say, "I am Groot," over and over again; Rocket is as clever as a talking Raccoon should be; and Drax, in a surprising turn of expectations, is probably the funniest.<br />
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I don't know what else to say. The plot doesn't matter, I don't want to tell you all of the jokes, and I don't really have any complaints. It's just like <i>The Avengers</i>, about as good as it could have been.<br />
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7/10 (Don't argue, it's still just a superhero movie)<br />
3/4<br />
3/5<br />
BDear Filmmakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16821218729910317499noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3842229596448725018.post-44433974416090563072014-06-20T04:49:00.000-04:002014-06-20T13:04:35.920-04:00A Million Ways to Fart in the West.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The role that expectation plays in our enjoyment of cinema is an intriguing one. As I get older, it seems more and more people—notably those with spouses, kids, or responsibilities other than checking their Facebook notifications—have begun using the phrase, "It seems like a rental," when referring to films of tentative quality. My version of "It seems like a rental", is the noon showing on a Thursday afternoon, when I've suddenly found myself mysteriously awake before 2 PM. This is the story of how I found myself watching <i>A Million Ways to Die in the West.</i><br />
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In <i>A Million Ways to Die in the West, </i>Seth MacFarlane's character, Albert, remarks early on, "I'm not the hero. I'm the guy in the crowd making fun of the hero's shirt." The problem with MacFarlane, is that he spends so much time making fun of the hero's shirt, that he never realizes that the hero walked away ten minutes ago. Take for example, the Ribisi and Silverman characters. Giovanni Ribisi plays MacFarlane's best friend, whose girlfriend (Sarah Silverman), is a local prostitute. Despite the nature of Silverman's profession, Ribisi and Silverman have never had sex—because they're Christians. The relationship is funny in concept and good for a few one-liners, but the film stretches the gag too thin, and it lazily devolves into sight gags involving bodily fluids or Silverman talking about her butt.</div>
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It's clear throughout the film that MacFarlane is smarter than he behaves. His best jokes utilize the setting: an explanation of why no one smiles in photographs, the rarity of a dollar bill, earning the trust of the Native Americans, etc. But for every clever joke that lands, there are three farts and a sheep wiener. It's as though MacFarlane had a few good ideas, and then filled the gaps with an assortment of bodily fluids and functions instead of taking the time to fine tune a cohesive final product. Even the good jokes go on too long, but the bad ones seem to last forever.</div>
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Neil Patrick Harris shows up for a few decent laughs, but also becomes the victim of a diarrhea gag. Liam Neeson plays a dangerous killer again, a role which is gradually becoming less and less amusing. There's a few cameos which illicit brief smiles, one of which was probably ruined if you've watched any of the film's trailers. The biggest surprise is that when Charlize Theron shows up, her and MacFarlane actually have chemistry.</div>
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MacFarlane's uninhibited disdain for the quality of life in the American West is a mixed bag of clever barbs and excessive whining, but it's best when he's accompanied by Theron. The two bond over a shared hatred for the machismo of their times, and it's unfortunate that their rapport is so often stunted by toilet humor.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
In the end, and despite the hit-and-then-extreme-miss comedy style, I walked out of the theater satisfied; all thanks to the lens of low expectations. I was expecting shit and got farts. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Every rating scale for your enjoyment:</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
6/10</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
1/4</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
2/5</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
C-</div>
Dear Filmmakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16821218729910317499noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3842229596448725018.post-49664030382084178962014-06-19T23:48:00.001-04:002014-06-23T17:12:03.961-04:0022 Jump Street: You Know, The Second One.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fOfjW0o_dHk/U6D5crdiQQI/AAAAAAAAA2I/UtsfQmQF3Tc/s1600/22jumpstreet.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fOfjW0o_dHk/U6D5crdiQQI/AAAAAAAAA2I/UtsfQmQF3Tc/s1600/22jumpstreet.jpeg" height="225" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<i>21 Jump Street</i> was way better than it ever deserved to be. In an era of reboots, it stood alone as the film that actually tweaked its source material enough to spit out an original product. It occasionally mocked its existence, but spent more time poking fun at the <i>Glee-</i>generation and flipping high school stereotypes on their head than it did rehashing old narratives. It barely felt like a reboot.<br />
<br />
Two years later, <i>22 Jump Street </i>feels like nothing but a sequel. In fact, the movie's sole purpose is to remind you, over and over again, that you're watching a sequel that was only made to squeeze more money out of a tired concept. The self-satire is frequently amusing, but <i>22 Jump Street</i> spends so much time making fun of itself that it forgets to become more than the concept it's been mocking.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
Hill and Tatum reprise their roles as two bromantic cops sent undercover to catch a drug dealer. "It's just like last time," the police chief tells them. And it is exactly like last time, except with a lot more elbow-nudging after each self-deprecating joke is executed. There's an ongoing joke about the assignment's large budget (THEY"RE TALKING ABOUT THE FILM'S BUDGET. DID YOU GET IT?), and the film references everything from <i>White House Down</i> to Benny Hill. There's even an extremely long attempt to make a pun out of the "<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meet_cute" target="_blank">meet-cute</a>" that made me smile—mostly because of how hard they tried.<br />
<br />
Making a spoof of your own movie isn't necessarily a bad thing, especially when most of the big laughs come from the filmmakers' willingness to disparage their own work. Unfortunately, since most of the movie is spent poking fun at lazy sequels, it doesn't put any effort into transcending the stereotype. Hill and Tatum being undercover does very little to affect the plot this time round. Hill's romantic involvement with a college student is purely for gags, and Tatum's infiltration of a frat house ultimately proves fruitless. The plot progression comes only when a light bulb miraculously appears over one of our character's heads and prompts them into the next shootout or chase scene.<br />
<br />
This is not to say the film isn't funny. I'd be willing to watch Hill and Tatum in a shot-for-shot remake of <i>Batman and Robin. </i> I'd just be stuck debating whether I'd want C-Tates to play Mr. Freeze or Robin, since Jonah Hill would clearly be Batman. The boys show up with plenty of wisecracks, and there are plenty of not-so-subtle hints that they're probably gay for each other. Like most of the film, some of this is funny, but too much of it drags. Ice Cube yells a lot, everyone goes on spring break, the inconsequential bad guys get caught, and Hill and Tatum walk off into the sunset. Everything's a little less funny, a little less topical, and a little too familiar. Sure, the film makes sure to acknowledge its laziness, but does that make it okay?<br />
<br />
Every rating scale for your enjoyment:<br />
6/10<br />
2/4<br />
2/5<br />
CDear Filmmakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16821218729910317499noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3842229596448725018.post-88931923121748759022014-05-28T17:25:00.000-04:002014-05-28T17:25:08.797-04:00Neighbors, or Seth Rogen Kind of Grows Up.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhx_wNIF2g1mPyT3kzl7Dl52X-q81ns5igUPtzzXdoXBt_9rGOxRXjtIAelhPoX_NNvk9z3WdFZQ1gy0onQBZFs8bA-2cwLtM8iP4NOC6oJNaeO0MT7UhzvL7CBWI3wsOcFmTozQnK5nOw/s1600/neighbors.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhx_wNIF2g1mPyT3kzl7Dl52X-q81ns5igUPtzzXdoXBt_9rGOxRXjtIAelhPoX_NNvk9z3WdFZQ1gy0onQBZFs8bA-2cwLtM8iP4NOC6oJNaeO0MT7UhzvL7CBWI3wsOcFmTozQnK5nOw/s1600/neighbors.jpg" height="298" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
I no longer know how to write about comedies without being tempted to go on a long tirade about why there are so few great ones nowadays. Maybe someday I'll provide you with that lecture, but for now let me try to focus on <i>Neighbors</i>, the latest entry in a long line of comedies that we can at least consider adequately amusing.<br />
<br />
In <i>Neighbors,</i> Seth Rogen and Rose Byrne play a young couple with a cute baby who are trying to keep the youthful dream of having sex in the kitchen alive. Unfortunately, they're now old and sleep deprived, so their efforts are typically stifled by their child, exhaustion, or Seth Rogen's declining sexual prowess. When a fraternity moves into the house next door, Seth and Rose attempt to become fast friends with the fraternity leadership (Zac Efron and Dave Franco) in the hope that their friendship will convince their new neighbors to keep it down while they're trying to sleep.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
On the first night, after lamenting over their lack of recent partying, Seth and Rose end up drinking at the fraternity house, bonding with their new neighbors and promising to let the brothers know—instead of the police—if they are being too loud. The next night, when the party continues, the cops are called and the feud begins.<br />
<br />
Cue a series of set pieces in which Seth and Rose lash out and the fraternity returns fire. Some are funny, some are not, but many of them feel like a sidebar from the narrative. There is a ten minute scene about breast milk, a seemingly unending supercut of Franco and Efron spit-balling different ways to say, "bros before hoes", and a particularly terrible scene involving a discarded condom. These moments are sometimes funny, but exist in an entirely separate comedic universe of improvised one-liners, while <i>Neighbors</i> strongest comedy utilizes the film's larger narrative moments and themes.<br />
<br />
Take, for example, another of director Nicholas Stollers' films, <i>Forgetting Sarah Marshall</i>, in which he managed to take a number of ludicrous caricatures and turn them into fully-formed characters while still providing an Apatow-approved amount of sex jokes. The moments in <i>Neighbors</i> between both opposing couples—Efron and Franco being the other operative couple—in which they take the time to cleverly rehash their motivations, displays a narrative maturity and consistently provides some of the funniest moments in the film. <i>Neighbors </i>is not a battle of "bad fraternity" versus "good family", it's a generational struggle between those about to enter adulthood and the adults who are hanging on to their last scrap of youth. When this conflict is comedically dissected, <i>Neighbors </i>gets its best results.<br />
<br />
You will laugh at <i>Neighbors, </i>regardless of it's flaws. Whether you should make plans to see it now depends on your situation. It's a good time if you're just looking for something to do, but it's probably not worth it if you have to find a babysitter first.<br />
<br />
7/10<br />
3/5<br />
2/4<br />
B-Dear Filmmakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16821218729910317499noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3842229596448725018.post-8766085791422911192014-05-27T01:38:00.000-04:002014-05-27T01:38:21.525-04:00X-Men Days of Future Past, or Terminator 2: Motivational Speaker Edition.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ERxcwUtKO3Y/U4QI1s1_YBI/AAAAAAAAA1g/IzaqMDNozjY/s1600/wolverine.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ERxcwUtKO3Y/U4QI1s1_YBI/AAAAAAAAA1g/IzaqMDNozjY/s1600/wolverine.jpg" height="263" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"You need to make stronger life choices, son."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
It's the future, guys. It's really dark in the future. And the <strike>T-1000's</strike> Sentinels have been killing all of our mutant friends. The solution, of course, is to send Wolverine into the past, because Kitty Pryde (who went into the past in the comic incarnation) is a woman, and women aren't allowed to be main characters in movies.<br />
<br />
The resulting film is an X-Men family reunion composed largely of motivational speeches, since the majority of the plot is articulated to us within the first fifteen minutes by narration, and then relayed to the X-men of the past via Wolverine's first of many motivational speeches to a young Professor Xavier. Thankfully, we're also treated to the obligatory getting-the-band-back-together sequences, which are the moments in which <i>Days of Future Past </i>actually remains bearable for a while.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
Quicksilver. Thank God for Quicksilver. His presence in the film is short-lived, yet he produces the most memorable sequence of any of the <i>X-Men</i> films to date, and he's sandwiched between two very strong JFK jokes. He exists in the film to break young Magneto out of jail, a task he accomplishes with much flair and then, unfortunately, goes back to doing hoodrat things off camera. The film moves on, and Wolverine, Professor Xavier and Beast spend the rest of the film wondering why they sprung Magneto in the first place.<br />
<br />
Now that the band is back together, their goal is to stop Mystique from killing Tyrion Lannister, the creator of <strike>SkyNet</strike> the Sentinels, as his murder is what prompted the government to start viewing mutants as a threat. The government, for the most part, has apparently forgotten that they had a mutant division only ten years prior. The X-Men stop the murder, but end up getting a whole lot of mutant destruction broadcast on television, so Nixon freaks out and tells Tyrion Lannister to build some mutant-killing robots. Then, in an effort to give the midget a two-dimensional character, Tyrion Lannister waddles around a lab and gives a speech about how mutants are totally cool. Nothing ever comes of this sentiment, and everyone wonders why it was in the movie.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, the young X-Men are crying because they didn't stop the future from happening yet, so Professor Xavier gives Mystique a motivational speech, Wolverine gives young Professor Xavier a motivational speech, young Professor Xavier gives young Magneto a motivational speech, then young Professor Xavier touches Wolverine's head so that old Professor Xavier can give young Professor Xavier a motivational speech. Young Professor Xavier feels motivated, figures out how to shoot web again, tuns on his fancy psychic machine and uses it to give Mystique a motivational speech using the bodies of about nine different people.<br />
<br />
Mystique is still cranky and wanders off to kill some government officials. Young Magneto is still cranky and wanders off to do the most absolutely ridiculous thing you can possibly imagine (and also kill some government officials). At this point, half of the audience wonders, "How can you possibly think that killing a bunch of government officials is going to stop people from trying to kill mutants?" The other half is still marveling at how far Jennifer Lawrence's leg can stretch.<br />
<br />
The big climax is young Magneto reminding everyone why you shouldn't let him out of jail, while old Magneto tries to save all of the X-Men in the future. RETRIBUTION, CHARLES! The film begins cutting between young X-Men and old X-Men in order to build tension, and everyone wonders if the young X-Men can change the future in time to save the X-Men in the future from dying—because the writers of the film made no attempt to make time travel logical. Wolverine gets thrown into a lake because he's been useless for the last forty-five minutes of the movie, and all seems lost until young Professor Xavier gives Mystique his absolute, most powerful motivational speech yet. Finally, the day is saved.<br />
<br />
Afterward, Wolverine returns to the future, and some characters that you thought were dead aren't dead anymore and all X-Men fans everywhere are satisfied. This is what we call fan service.<br />
<br />
Every rating scale for your enjoyment:<br />
<br />
6/10<br />
2/4<br />
2/5<br />
CDear Filmmakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16821218729910317499noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3842229596448725018.post-91883760237356955022014-04-24T21:17:00.000-04:002014-04-24T21:17:53.966-04:00Noah: Aronofsky's Guide to Adaptation.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijzaukZLoNsPpxculGNIoXD_SyPMacq-ZBwftdD9t47dLPXGPXIRvO47q8HQkOZI5VPGrs6GzPPX3TU5izAm9xDHka-QbjwqlU6z2sQSQtkgfpteT9VrSqf453CSUcvuPBM2otzc6dNdk/s1600/noah.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijzaukZLoNsPpxculGNIoXD_SyPMacq-ZBwftdD9t47dLPXGPXIRvO47q8HQkOZI5VPGrs6GzPPX3TU5izAm9xDHka-QbjwqlU6z2sQSQtkgfpteT9VrSqf453CSUcvuPBM2otzc6dNdk/s1600/noah.jpg" height="225" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Singin' in the rain, just singin' in the rain.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
In many ways, Aronofsky has done with Noah what I've been begging someone to do for a long time. He's taken a story that everyone's familiar with and adapted it into a twisted nightmare for everyone who was hoping for a faithful adaptation. Sure, I was hoping for a twisted adaptation of a beloved young adult novel (C'mon, R-rated Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants), but this will do for now.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><i>Noah</i> is the story of Darren Aronofsky trying to rationalize a biblical story that has a lot of blanks to fill in. I like to imagine that Aronofsky as a wildly-imaginative (he is), uber-religious (he's not) dude being adamantly questioned by a group of Atheists attempting to poke holes in the biblical story of Noah, and the film is his response.<br />
<br />
<i>Atheists:</i><br />
Sure, we know the exact measurements of the ark, but how did one righteous dude, his wife and his three kids build it? <br />
<br />
<i>Aronofsky:</i><br />
From what I've gathered from<a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+6%3A4&version=KJV" target="_blank"> this one biblical passage about giants</a>, I assume that Noah and his family probably had the help of Sedimentary Prime and the rest of the Rock Transformers.<br />
<br />
<i>Atheists:</i><br />
Okay, I'll believe that seven pairs of all the clean animals and one pair of all the skanky animals will fit on the ark, but how come they didn't eat each other?<br />
<br />
<i>Aronofsky:</i><br />
God would clearly provide them with magic incense to put the animals to sleep for 300+ days. Catholics use a diluted form of this incense in their church services. That's why mass only makes you drowsy.<br />
<br />
<i>Atheists:</i><br />
If you were a sinful dude–raping and pillaging and eating mythical creatures raw, wouldn't you start to get nervous when the one good guy built a giant boat and somehow filled it with thousands of animals? I mean, after a few days of rain, you're trying to get on that boat, right?<br />
<br />
<i>Aronofsky:</i><br />
Hmm. Well, the Bible doesn't mention that part. I like to imagine that there was an epic battle between the Rock Transformers and the heathens, in which the Rock Transformers found redemption with God by slaughtering all of those trying to save their own wicked skins. But then again, I've been catching up on Game of Thrones lately.<br />
<br />
<i>Atheists:</i><br />
Can you believe what happened at the wedding last week?<br />
<br />
<i>Aronofsky:</i><br />
No spoilers, bro.<br />
<br />
<i>Atheists:</i><br />
C'mon, the book came out like ten years ago.<br />
<br />
<i>Aronofsky:</i><br />
I only read books ordained by God. Pretty much just the Bible and the Twilight series.<br />
<br />
<i>Atheists:</i><br />
Fair enough. One last question. What actually happened with Ham in the Bible? How do you explain that?<br />
<br />
<i>Aronofsky:</i><br />
I have no clue. Apparently you see your Dad's butt once and your son is cursed forever.<br />
<br />
<br />
Well, that went on much longer than I intended. I'm tempted to say that <i>Noah </i>did too, but I think any protest to the length of the film is outweighed by my admiration of the choice to insert giant, CGI rock monsters into a biblical story. In fact, most of the film's charm comes from Aronofsky's non-canonical insertions, especially the giant rock monsters and the final third of the film.<br />
<br />
A typical biblical adaptation likely would have ended with Noah and his family getting off the ark, praising God a little bit, and then pinky-swearing to make nice babies who will never again let civilization become so vile that there is a need to extinguish it. Instead, Aronofsky provides the notion that Noah's family was supposed to be the last—never reproducing and eventually dying off—but Noah's love for cute babies prevented that from happening. It's a murky theme thrown into a fairly straightforward story which, working in tandem with the anguished screams of those drowning outside the ark, paints a darker picture than you probably remember from Sunday school.<br />
<br />
If the Bible didn't exist, <i>Noah </i>would be little more than a mediocre blockbuster. Since it does exist, <i>Noah </i>is mostly mesmerizing. Aronofsky fills in the blanks and tries to rationalize the events of a fantastical plot line with some realistic human reactions and also more fantasy elements. In a narrative that includes communication with God, the destruction of all mankind, and thousands of animals cramming themselves voluntarily onto a boat, what's wrong with giant rock monsters if there's a vague biblical tie-in?<br />
<br />
Every rating scale for your enjoyment:<br />
7/10<br />
3/5<br />
2/4<br />
B-Dear Filmmakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16821218729910317499noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3842229596448725018.post-60756949840126497112014-04-10T02:09:00.000-04:002014-04-30T23:01:40.552-04:00The Grand Budapest Hotel, of Which I Start Writing Four Different Things and Then Forget What My Point Was.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuBbgi4wcbU0YG74arXiZKinNCS5WohRmdELM8Xwozhbhu7omPXQJwaqbv4HoyWf0UaXjM-fAr4Su_xhJpnAjqzv-2-a_rkLsoq9IFr1oW_nLt2ACZ_b5k_GST41JWt-UlHqoNF-a3IAk/s1600/grandbudapest.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuBbgi4wcbU0YG74arXiZKinNCS5WohRmdELM8Xwozhbhu7omPXQJwaqbv4HoyWf0UaXjM-fAr4Su_xhJpnAjqzv-2-a_rkLsoq9IFr1oW_nLt2ACZ_b5k_GST41JWt-UlHqoNF-a3IAk/s1600/grandbudapest.jpg" height="306" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I assume the rule of thirds is applied here by accident.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
On a delightfully whimsical day in the throes of 2007, a much-thinner-than-now, pink-haired youth sitting in a quaint classroom in the romantic and mysterious land of East Lansing, Michigan was asked to provide to the classroom his favorite director of films. To this question, he replied simply—avoiding the tenuous conviction typically associated with the youths of 2007—with "Woody Allen" (Or Takashi Miike, one can't be too sure in a year like 2007). One after another, the next eleven youths in a row supplied "Wes Anderson" as their most preferred director of cinema. And the colored girls went, "Doo do doo do doo do do doo..."<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
While that story exists largely to fulfill my own sense of whimsy, it leads to a few important points. The first, is that whimsy often suddenly leads to uncomfortable political incorrectness that Wes Anderson is usually better at navigating than I am. The second, is that a whole lot of people really like Wes Anderson. <br />
<br />
We'll get to the political incorrectness shortly (we always do), but let's quickly make the assumption that, amongst the tidal wave of superhero blockbusters, flagrant auteurism is clearly of more value. Wes Anderson films exist entirely in a Wes Anderson world, and while recent Anderson films <i>Moonrise Kingdom</i> and <i>Grand Budapest Hotel</i> have become increasingly and alarmingly similar in a number of ways, they're still both incredibly unique in the grand scope of cinema—even when they're bad.<br />
<br />
And <i>Grand Budapest Hotel</i> isn't bad, it's just a little too hollow. Artistic flourishes, set design and shot framing should be supplemental, not the film's focus. There's a decent screwball comedy nestled somewhere under this perfectly-centered, cotton candy dreamscape, but Anderson never quite figures out what the film is about, and he doesn't seem to care either.<br />
<br />
<i>Grand Budapest Hotel </i>is the story of a girl reading a book, in which the author tells the story of the time he was told the story of Monsieur Gustave H, the concierge at the Grand Budapest Hotel, located in a brightly colored European town of Anderson's own creation. Gustave is a wonderful character, swindling his way into and out of all sorts of trouble, and at times feels like a sharp-tongued Inspector Clouseau in a Wes Anderson remake of <i>The Pink Panther.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
When Gustave inherits a painting from one of the now-deceased elderly women he had been sleeping with, the woman's son, Adrien Brody, throws a tantrum and sends Willem Dafoe around to kill some people. Gustave and his trusty lobby boy scamper about in attempts to avoid being killed by Willem Dafoe or being captured by the police. The entire plot exists solely to showcase Gustave and the lobby boy having whimsical interactions in different places, and while these interactions are at least funny, the film also makes some brief attempts towards themes that just never come together.<br />
<br />
For instance, one of the men telling the other man the story (but not the man telling the story about the man telling him a story), gets all sad when he reminisces about the baker girl that he was hopelessly in love with, but no one cares. The man being told the story by the other man (The man hearing this story is the one telling the story of hearing the story in the book that is being read by the girl) has a weird nostalgic moment that no one gets. The author of the book (who is also the man being told the story within the book that he himself wrote) dies and the girl reading the book (written by the man who died, and who also heard the story) gets really sad. So, basically there is no theme except that multiple frame narratives are stupid.<br />
<br />
There's some abrupt violence, some abrupt skiing and some abrupt meanie-faced-name-calling, and I know I promised to discuss it, but there's less political/societal incorrectness than usual. Maybe I'm just immune to awkwardness after experiencing that beach scene in <i>Moonrise Kingdom. </i>That reminds me: <i>Grand Budapest Hotel </i>is basically just <i>Moonrise Kingdom</i> with less heart and a more jumbled narrative, so just go watch that instead. Actually, just watch <i>Rushmore.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
6/10<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Dear Filmmakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16821218729910317499noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3842229596448725018.post-80117811656483262942014-03-01T19:22:00.000-05:002017-02-25T19:25:12.286-05:00The Top Ten Films of 2013<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMPWwMCxuTOwxRKGMv_ZqcJ5taSSkdxzBG-PTt3cQOKS1uw2iSd6EkoSdMFMLIFPXANTyjZf_AG9O1S4Ds-_0aYcyYQsyw8r7fUUsUrwa_m7F8_m9VCwuPNGmDhUPbT3eydf2H_cKr_Q8/s1600/springbreakers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="280" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMPWwMCxuTOwxRKGMv_ZqcJ5taSSkdxzBG-PTt3cQOKS1uw2iSd6EkoSdMFMLIFPXANTyjZf_AG9O1S4Ds-_0aYcyYQsyw8r7fUUsUrwa_m7F8_m9VCwuPNGmDhUPbT3eydf2H_cKr_Q8/s1600/springbreakers.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
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With the Oscars tomorrow, I suppose it's time to grit my teeth, throw five films randomly in the 6-10 slots and start writing. The last time I had this much difficulty assigning arbitrary rankings, my girlfriend had just dumped me and I spent twelve hours rearranging my Top 8 on Myspace. That's not to say I didn't like a lot of films this year, I just liked way too many of them exactly the same. Ties went to the films I wanted to write about. As always, documentaries are ineligible and I didn't see any animated films. Let's start with some honorary awards.<br />
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<b>The Best Random Netflix Suggestion - MY AWKWARD SEXUAL ADVENTURE</b></div>
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Raunchy comedies are typically built on penis jokes, but this Canadian gem is built on sharp dialogue, physical humor, penis jokes, and vagina jokes; which makes it feminist. A nebbish accountant is dumped by his girlfriend for being terrible at "gentle time", so he hires a Sex Yoda to teach him some sexual confidence and skill. If you're afraid of nudity, don't watch this movie and stop reading my blog, but this light and explicit romcom should make most smile.</div>
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<b>Most Obnoxious Character of the Year - BLUE JASMINE</b></div>
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We all know that I love Woody Allen as much as Mia Farrow's adopted Asian daughter, but <i>Blue Jasmine</i> left me feeling estranged. Cate Blanchett will probably win Best Actress for her portrayal of the nauseatingly vapid and formerly-rich titular narcissist, but the role felt as pedantic as the first half of this sentence. While Blanchett was excellent, I interpreted Jasmine as much of the supporting characters in the film did: I found her of little use, cared nothing about her plight, and I really just hoped that Sally Hawkins, Louis C.K., and Andrew Dice Clay would come back and make me smile.</div>
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<b>Theme of the Year - THE WOLF OF WALL STREET/PAIN AND GAIN/SPRING BREAKERS</b></div>
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<i>Wolf of Wall Street</i> was the most-watched film about excess and The American Dream in 2013. The film pretty clearly says, "Look at all these terrible things I did. Was that awesome or what?", and people enjoyed a good, long internet fight about whether the actions within the film were glorified or condemned. Others just cried because there were bad words and nudity. For the most part, I'm morally ambiguous when it comes to cinema, so while I found much of the film very funny, I was only insulted that a three hour movie spent more time throwing midgets than it did developing character and articulating plot points. <i>Pain and Gain</i>'s motivational speaker, Johnny Wu is just as effective a character study as Jordan Belfont, and he's onscreen for ten minutes. </div>
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In fact, <i>Pain and Gain</i> may be the better movie solely because it's an hour shorter. It's also incredibly self-aware, and its American Dream seekers are infinitely more unreliable than the characters in <i>Wolf</i>. It's arguably more fun watching greedy assholes repeatedly fail in funny ways than it is to watch greedy assholes exploit people in funny ways; but then again, no one gets immobilized by Quaaludes in <i>Pain and Gain</i>, which is disappointing. </div>
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Finally, we have <i>Spring Breakers</i>, Harmony Korine's avant-garde exploration of excess. The first half will be a bore for some, but it sets up the incredible second half which, driven by James Franco's Alien, is a very funny and bizarre pop-culture nightmare that is just silly enough to count as entertainment. Hopefully, you want your vacation into debauchery to last longer than Selena Gomez's character did. If so, you shall be rewarded with much Britney Spears.</div>
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If you can't already tell, I'm attempting to cram a year's worth of commentary into one entry, because I feel bad for abandoning you while I spent my whole year pursuing the true American dream: playing videogames, marathoning TV shows, and interacting with other human beings as little as possible. </div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">10. Her</span></div>
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I'm giving bonus points for originality here, because <i>Her </i>was actually one of my biggest disappointments of 2013. I was expecting a very unique and interesting film with plenty of romantic relevance. What I got was a unique and interesting film with a semblance of romantic relevance. Ten years ago, I would have loved this movie, but too much of the dialogue between Joaquin Phoenix and Scarlett Johansson could have been pulled from middle school love notes: "OMG I love you. What are you wearing right now? I want to hold you in my arms right now. What is it like to just be there?", isn't any more sophisticated than the AIM conversations that thirteen-year-old me used to have with forty-year-old men pretending to be thirteen-year-old girls. The uniqueness of the universe and the concept of AI girlfriends was interesting, but I already have a deep romantic relationship with my computer, so I'm going to need a bit more if I'm going to be impressed. Every supposedly interesting concept that Scarlett Johansson came up with seemed about as profound as a nineteen-year-old taking a philosophy class for the first time, but at least Rooney Mara looked kind of sexy and was made of actual flesh and blood. The best part about the film is that even though people were constantly on their phones, they never ignored the people that they were with to play with their phones. Learn from this movie, America.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">9. What Maisie Knew</span></div>
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As my parents are still together and I have no children, I'm not sure why I connected so deeply with this film about a child caught up in her parents' divorce, but <i>What Maisie Knew</i> is a very effective portrait of a little girl used as a bargaining chip in the ongoing feud between her parents. She spends some of the film being passed between her parents, sometimes as a trophy and sometimes as a burden, but more often than not, finds herself being raised by her new stepparents; both of whom exist solely for the purpose of looking after Maisie while her actual parents go about their business. Much of the film is shot from Maisie's perspective, the adults appearing merely as torsos, and it clearly highlights what she hears and absorbs (everything), without the film ever taking the easy route of allowing her to plainly explain her feelings to us. The ending is a bit too tidy, but it's so effectively understated overall that the closing sentiment doesn't hurt it too much.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">8. Gravity</span></div>
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I think that we can all agree that <i>Gravity</i> has an incredibly simple plot, but when you're making a film about the inhospitable nature of space, the story isn't really the point. The only real story the film has/needs is "I don't want to die", and this is what Sandra Bullock spends the film working toward. However, <i>Gravity</i> is a revelation in terms of cinematography and special effects. And while I'm normally in favor of content over form, this was some really good form. <i>Gravity </i>is the film that makes 3D okay. In <i>Gravity</i>'s case, 3D is almost required. The shot composure and depth of field is impressive enough, but dress Sandra Bullock in some booty shorts and it's blockbuster satisfaction for everyone. Add in realistic zero-gravity physics, in which thrusting a few inches in the wrong direction can mean death, and you've got a very engaging and beautiful survival story. Robert Redford's boat ain't got nothin' on this. </div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">7. Laurence Anyways</span></div>
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Frederique is a bit upset when her boyfriend, Laurence, tells her that he should have been born a woman. He still loves her, and wants to stay together, but he's decided to make the transition to female. Fred eventually comes around, but understandable emotional complications arise, and the couple spends the next ten years breaking up and getting back together as they attempt to reconcile their respective wants and needs within the relationship. Make no mistake, Laurence may be transgender, but the film is much more than a soapbox for LGBT acceptance. Much like <i>Blue is the Warmest Color</i>, some conflict arises from the characters' sexual nonconformity, but the film's focal point is the relationship between the two leads. It's about forty-five minutes too long and the bombastic flourishes of auterism don't always work; but at its core, <i>Laurence Anyways</i> is a very effective portrait of an ever-changing relationship. </div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">6. The Hunt</span></div>
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A kindergarten teacher in a small Danish town, Lucas becomes the target of a modern day witch hunt after a little girl's lie spirals out of control. The audience knows Lucas is innocent, but as the rumors and accusations pile up, the community becomes increasingly hostile and Lucas increasingly endangered. It's a horrifying portrait of humanity devolved, often hard to keep watching, but it's a sobering dissection of a mob mentality–especially timely, as the Internet has turned us all into torch-wielding buffoons. Mads Mikkelson is incredible as Lucas, my shout for performance of the year, if I cared about such things. Also impressive is Thomas Bo Larsen, who struggles with the conflict of being Lucas' best friend and the father of the supposed victim. Because it's difficult to watch, it's a lot like <i>12 Years a Slave,</i> if <i>12 Years a Slave </i>had any emotional or societal relevance.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">5. About Time</span></div>
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I'm not entirely sure how I seem to be filled with so much hate and sentiment at the same time, but <i>About Time</i> exploits the latter just the right amount. Billed as a love story, more accurately a story about family and parental bonds, <i>About Time </i>effectively uses its time-travel plot device as a supplemental tool to tell its story, never allowing itself to become a movie about time travel. The gist of it is that Tim (Ron Weasley's brother) and his father (Bill Nighy) can travel back in time. Bill Nighy uses this ability to read more books; Tim uses it to talk to girls again after he bumbles the first conversation. The movie runs on charm and humor, loss and reflection, and ultimately reminds you to enjoy the little things in life. While these aren't the grandest concepts, they're very well executed; and if you like Richard Curtis' other works (<i>Love Actually, Bridget Jones' Diary, Four Weddings and a Funeral</i>), you'll feel right at home.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">4. Don Jon</span></div>
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<i>Don Jon </i>gets a bad rap for being about a New Jersey 'bro just trying to get his porn on, but it should probably be required viewing for every high school senior trying to lose their virginity before prom. The film thrusts itself forward on humor, but offers very honest commentary on the selfish motivations of contemporary relationships; in which the characters interact with each based on societal indicators rather than empathy. Jon prefers the fantasy of pornography to sex with another human being because with porn, he's not restrained by another person's sexual preferences. Barbara (Scarlett Johansson) interprets love as a willingness to "do anything for her"–an ideal adapted from the romance films she loves–and in turn, she offers sex as a reward for obedience. Neither of them understand the concept of love beyond the superficial until Julianne Moore shows up (as the unrealistic indie-movie character) to bang some sense into Jon. The film doesn't penetrate too deep (OK, I'll stop it...), but it's pretty spot on, even though certain subplots (Jon's Catholicism) only kind of work. I suppose I should also note that it's incredibly funny.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">3. The Great Beauty</span></div>
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I've successfully managed to keep it pretty low-brow until now, but it's time to get into the major accomplishments of the year. <i>The Great Beauty</i> focuses on the existential quandary of Jeb Gambardella who, after writing his only novel forty years ago, has become the self-proclaimed king of the Italian nightlife. His 65th birthday party and the subsequent discovery that a former lover of his has passed away triggers an introspection in Jeb that carries us through the rest of the film. At one point, he admits that he never wrote another novel because he was looking for "The Great Beauty" but never found it. But did he? (Gasp.) <i>The Great Beauty</i> is weighed down slightly by length, but the weight lifts in the back half of the film, when the surreal dream-state of the narrative really kicks in. It is beautifully shot, surprisingly funny, and if you need any good recipes, take notes when the Cardinal speaks. If you thought <i>Gravity</i> was too visual, you should probably stay away; but if you're down with Fellini, Malick, or emotional arguments with yourself, then <i>The Great Beauty</i> won't disappoint.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">2. Mud</span></div>
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<i>Mud </i>will forever go down in history as the film in which Matthew McConaughey waited a whole hour to take off his shirt, but it's also a well-crafted portrait of youthful optimism and the difficulties in finding direction from adults who seem to have lost their own sense of it. Our fourteen-year-old protagonist, Ellis, along with his buddy Neckbone, are excited to discover an abandoned boat lodged in a tree. They quickly claim it as their own, but are disappointed to find that a delightful hobo named Mud has taken it as his residence. In exchange for food, Mud promises to leave the boat for the boys once he's reunited with his estranged girlfriend, Juniper. Ellis, prompted by the notion of Mud and Juniper's unbreakable bond, begins facilitating Mud and Juniper's reunion, quickly finding out that love isn't quite so simple. It's a small-scale film driven by strong characters, and the backdrop of rural Arkansas lends itself to this simplicity. Finding Mud in the woods behind the town McDonald's just wouldn't have been the same.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">1. Before Midnight</span></div>
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Dear Richard Linklater,</div>
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<i>Before Sunrise</i> was a fantastic introduction to the beginnings of romance, and <i>Before Sunset </i>was a refined reunion of two people facing adulthood. In standard trilogy fashion, I assumed that <i>Before Midnight </i>would falter, but even my highest expectations were exceeded.</div>
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The film opening shows us that Jesse and Celine are still together, still have a penchant for long conversations, and are still incredibly engaging. At this point, Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy feel like old friends I get to hang out with for two hours every nine years. Sure, all they ever do is talk, but what they say is interesting, and the people they interact with are interesting. Their conversations remind me of the conversations I used to have when I still talked to other human beings.</div>
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Of course, in the third act they engage in the most realistic cinematic argument I've ever seen. The dialogue displays a very mature understanding of long-term relationships; how two people can both love and be furious at each other simultaneously. A few wrong phrases set off a shouting match, old inadequacies and suspicions resurface, and the entire audience swears off dating forever.</div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">EVERYTHING ELSE:</span></b></div>
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<b>THE STRONG:</b></div>
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<b>American Hustle - </b>Your annual Hollywood Seventies party.</div>
<div>
<b>Drug War - </b>A very solid Chinese crime thriller with an old-school feel and an over-the-top finale.</div>
<div>
<b>Prisoners - </b>A surprisingly solid thriller.</div>
<div>
<b>Saving Mr. Banks - </b>Sugary, but surprisingly engaging, specifically the Colin Farrell bits.</div>
<div>
<b>Fruitvale Station - </b>More reason to hate the police. No, not Sting.</div>
<div>
<b>Inside Llewyn Davis - </b>All musicians should have cats.</div>
<div>
<b>The World's End - </b>Another solid Edgar Wright comedy.</div>
<div>
<b>Robot and Frank - </b>After I complained about <i>Her</i> the whole time, this probably should have been #10.</div>
<div>
<b>Side Effects - </b>Another good thriller, despite a muddled ending.</div>
<div>
<b>Captain Phillips - </b>Tom Hanks acts on a boat and no one cares.</div>
<div>
<b>Dallas Buyers Club - </b>McConaughey doesn't want you to vaccinate your children.</div>
<div>
<b>Nebraska - </b>Families are weird and old people are gullible.</div>
<div>
<b>Short Term 12 - </b>Some people feel some things and learn some lessons.</div>
<div>
<b>Blue is the Warmest Color - </b>What is this world coming to? No one wants to see three hour NC-17 French movies with me anymore.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>STILL GOOD:</b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>12 Years a Slave - </b>Passion of the Christ 2: More ineffective torture porn masquerading as commentary.</div>
<div>
<b>Stoker - </b>Weird little girls, creepy uncles, murder. You know you're in.</div>
<div>
<b>Byzantium - </b>A more respectable vampire film if you're into that sort of thing. </div>
<div>
<b>The Past - </b>Asghar Farhadi makes another really solid drama that I just don't really care about.</div>
<div>
<b>Frances Ha - </b>The second half of the film turns into "Frances Blah".</div>
<div>
<b>The Kings of Summer - </b>Funny, but it skips over the hard stuff.</div>
<div>
<b>The Way Way Back - </b>An exceptionally light but enjoyable coming of age story. </div>
<div>
<b>The Broken Circle Breakdown - </b>Sad lady breakdown with folk music.</div>
<div>
<b>You're Next - </b>A horror/comedy that's not funny enough.</div>
<div>
<b>Computer Chess - </b>Incredibly weird and kind of cool. It's like a cute Videodrome.</div>
<div>
<b>Bad Grandpa - </b>Jackass with a narrative. Surprisingly amusing.</div>
<div>
<b>The Spectacular Now - </b>How no one realizes this kid is an alcoholic we'll never know.</div>
<div>
<b>Iron Man 3 - </b>Surprisingly low key, and if you didn't like the brilliant twist, go read more comic books, nerd.</div>
<div>
<b>Warm Bodies - </b>Warm feelies.</div>
<div>
<b>Drinking Buddies - </b>A solid film that I've already forgotten.</div>
<div>
<b>All is Lost - </b>A boat sinks.</div>
<div>
<b>The East - </b>Hippies play pranks on corporations, and it's actually pretty good until the third act.</div>
<div>
<b>Stuck in Love - </b>Letting Mike Mogis do the soundtrack is basically a guarantee I'll like the movie.</div>
<div>
<b>Enough Said - </b>A romantic comedy for divorced people. </div>
<div>
<b>Rush - </b>They edited out the comedy of <i>Talladega Nights </i>and thought we wouldn't notice.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>NOT TERRIBLE:</b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Philomena - </b>An old lady says politically incorrect things. Profit.</div>
<div>
<b>Mama - </b>I can't tell if horror movies are good or not anymore.</div>
<div>
<b>Sexy Evil Genius - </b>A Netflix surprise.</div>
<div>
<b>In a World - </b>Finally, a Cameron Diaz cameo we can all appreciate.</div>
<div>
<b>Somebody up There Likes Me - </b>This cracked me up, but you'll probably hate it.</div>
<div>
<b>The Butler - </b>First half was surprisingly good and then they mocked the Black Panthers so I was out.</div>
<div>
<b>The Place Beyond the Pines - </b>The first third was the best movie of the year.</div>
<div>
<b>Upside Down - </b>A very strange romcom that would have made millions if it had starred Johnny Depp.</div>
<div>
<b>Man of Steel - </b>If Sylvester Stallone was put in <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBI8uCKi2lI" target="_blank">cryo-sleep</a>, I can't imagine whats going to happen here.</div>
<div>
<b>The Great Gatsby - </b><i>The Great Beauty</i> without any of the feels.</div>
<div>
<b>Star Trek Into Darkness - </b>Cumberbatch. That's all I remember.</div>
<div>
<b>This is the End - </b>I liked the first half hour. And then a few other things.</div>
<div>
<b>Safe Haven - </b>The ending is so good. It's everything <i>Sharknado</i> wasn't.</div>
<div>
<b>Upstream Color - </b>I wasn't sure I had wasted my time until the last frame, but <i>Fountain-</i>lovers will like it.</div>
<div>
<b>Paradise - </b>Russell Brand just gets me. </div>
<div>
<b>The Grandmaster - </b>A dull film from one of my favorite directors.</div>
<div>
<b>Filth - </b>Pretty much.</div>
<div>
<b>Elysium - </b>Promising sci-fi turned into mush.</div>
<div>
<b>Ain't Them Bodies Saints - </b>Rooney Mara hanging out in a house.</div>
<div>
<b>Beyond the Hills - </b>This is well-crafted and completely uninteresting.</div>
<div>
<b>To the Wonder - </b>Terrance Malick whispers things while he shows us pictures.</div>
<div>
<b>VHS 2 - </b>I kind of liked the first one.</div>
<div>
<b>The To Do List - </b>Mostly not funny, and I found it distasteful, which I thought was very strange.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>CINEMATIC TRAVESTIES:</b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Crystal Fairy and the Magical Cactus - </b>Michael Cera is Michael Cera, and there's a weird girl.</div>
<div>
<b>Anchorman 2 - </b>Insultingly unfunny.</div>
<div>
<b>Gangster Squad - </b>I only remember it was bad.</div>
<div>
<b>Sharknado - </b>Should have been more self-aware, although the scientific logic was brilliant.</div>
<div>
<b>Oblivion - </b>Tom Cruise doin some stuff.</div>
<div>
<b>I give it a Year - </b>The moral of this story is that you should cheat on your significant other. Really.</div>
<div>
<b>Trance - </b>An uninteresting, repetitive thriller.</div>
<div>
<b>Bastards - </b>Of all the critically-praised crap, this takes the cake.</div>
<div>
<b>Passion - </b>I don't even know why anyone would make this.</div>
<div>
<b>Prince Avalance - </b>Emile Hirsch and Paul Rudd yell at each other in the woods.</div>
<div>
<b>Out of the Furnace - </b>You shouldn't shoot deer, but people are okay.</div>
<div>
<b>Kick Ass 2 - </b>A sequel that no one wanted.</div>
<div>
<b>Only God Forgives - </b>Hyper violent revenge thrillers should only be made by Koreans.</div>
<div>
<b>Oz the Great and Powerful - </b>This might be the worst thing I've ever seen.</div>
</div>
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
Dear Filmmakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16821218729910317499noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3842229596448725018.post-67162562236572875042013-05-08T16:27:00.000-04:002013-05-08T16:27:21.844-04:00Oblivion: At Least Will Smith Isn't In It.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjI0c6bLK0O-XJhCYFJR8spxxwPUS5o6Py4JlGyBR6PPR0D0qJbrOpAMOA8-As6JFFF7Elw9HUCmRrRm5mmzGEu1DL_4MNUXb0BdA2iqPzK_iORMFqqOtsbdBNrF1K1DMjZOZte0VfvY1c/s1600/oblivion.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="166" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjI0c6bLK0O-XJhCYFJR8spxxwPUS5o6Py4JlGyBR6PPR0D0qJbrOpAMOA8-As6JFFF7Elw9HUCmRrRm5mmzGEu1DL_4MNUXb0BdA2iqPzK_iORMFqqOtsbdBNrF1K1DMjZOZte0VfvY1c/s400/oblivion.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I'm quite torn on <i>Oblivion.</i> I'm not sure if I should tell you to avoid it at all costs because it's incredibly bad, or if I should tell you to see it immediately because it is amazingly bad. Either way, it's the worst movie I've seen all year, except for maybe that <i>Wizard of Oz</i> bastardization. <br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
The film–if we can even call it that–opens with a Tom Cruise monologue telling us everything about the backstory that a good movie would have let us figure out on our own. Some aliens came and blew up the moon, causing havoc on Earth, we won the war but lost the planet, blah blah blah. Then he mentions that he's had a mandatory memory wipe–which immediately raises a thousand red flags–before being dispatched to protect some machines that are converting Earth's water supply into fusion energy, because apparently human beings don't need water anymore.<br />
<br />
Tom and his partner, an uppity redhead, will soon be heading back to Titan, one of Saturn's moons, to join the rest of the human race, and Tom is a little upset at the prospect of leaving his planet behind. Which is understandable, because the planet is still quite obviously more inhabitable than one of Saturn's moons.<br />
<br />
The main protagonists of the film are the Scavengers; remaining members of the alien race that failed in their attempt to overthrow Earth. The Scavengers have been attacking the drones that Tom Cruise is supposed to be protecting, and Tom Cruise can't tell that they're just human beings wearing masks because he believes what Scientology tells him.<br />
<br />
Some stuff happens, there are a bunch of over-the-top scenes with over-the-top music that are completely unearned, including a scene in the first twenty minutes involving some skinny dipping in an elaborate swimming pool. Epic swimming pool scenes have to come at least halfway through the movie, guys. See <i>Wild Things</i> or <i>Showgirls</i> as reference.<br />
<br />
Anyways, Tom Cruise's wife falls out of the sky, and he can't remember her even though he can remember the final play of a football game that happened before the moon exploded. Him and his wife end up hanging out with Morgan Freeman, the leader of the Scavengers, and then everything else that happens is from either <i>Moon, The Matrix, or Independence Day, </i>reminding everyone in the theater that we should only see science fiction movies that get limited theatrical releases.<br />
<br />
3/10Dear Filmmakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16821218729910317499noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3842229596448725018.post-67012458941491485712013-04-14T22:00:00.001-04:002013-04-14T22:00:18.755-04:00The Place Beyond the Pines, or How to Ruin a Movie with Bradley Cooper.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglD1NbQlXHWSoLeW7C0Amr1pqw0TpLyYXZiKMMo4L37Nm_1YsusrfMAP55f1jY3O7r_ucrbrWbmUIsHd9m-V9Z9gv9PdNK8MFExb-nZUMfv1s2YGJwJgxOU0iE937mjrj7n4mtP8x7Jwk/s1600/placebeyond.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglD1NbQlXHWSoLeW7C0Amr1pqw0TpLyYXZiKMMo4L37Nm_1YsusrfMAP55f1jY3O7r_ucrbrWbmUIsHd9m-V9Z9gv9PdNK8MFExb-nZUMfv1s2YGJwJgxOU0iE937mjrj7n4mtP8x7Jwk/s400/placebeyond.jpg" width="283" /></a></div>
<br />
Dear Derek Cianfrance,<br />
<br />
I think I see what happened here. I'll bet you had this really great idea for a film, and the whole time you were writing it you were thinking, "Damn, this is good." And you kept writing it, it kept being brilliant, and then you finished it and realized that it was only forty-five minutes long.<br />
<br />
And in this instance, you blew it. The first segment of <i>The Place Beyond the Pines</i> is fantastic and the rest of it is a sub-par addendum; devoid of any real emotional or thematic connection to its predecessor.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a>The film opens on a long tracking shot of Ryan Gosling, and everyone immediately thinks, "Oh, damn. This movie is about to be as good as <i>Blue Valentine</i>." And for the first forty-five minutes, it is as good. Gosling is all swagger–as he should be, nearly always attached to either a motorcycle or a cigarette, and when he finds out he has a son, he goes to work (robbing banks, of course) in an attempt to provide for him. <br />
<br />
The conflict here is that the mother of Ryan Gosling's child (Eva Mendez) already has a live-in boyfriend who's been taking care of her and the boy while Gosling has been traveling around the states with the circus. Understandably, he doesn't appreciate Baby Goose showing up and attempting to steal his family away.<br />
<br />
So, Baby Goose is robbing banks, wooing Eva Mendez, and trying to establish a relationship with his son. That seems like two hours of content to me. I haven't even mentioned Gosling's incredibly amusing hillbilly friend yet.<br />
<br />
But let's take a page from your book, Derek, and just start talking about Bradley Cooper. Bradley Cooper is an injured-in-action, do-gooder cop, who stumbles into a plot of police corruption, which has absolutely nothing to do with Ryan Gosling or any of the the themes established by the first act of this movie. It's jarring and confusing, and difficult to make sense of, mostly because it doesn't make any sense. When you've become emotionally invested in a drama, you don't want it to suddenly transform into a Ray Liotta film. And yes, Ray Liotta does show up.<br />
<br />
Then it shifts gears again, focusing on a kid from <i>The Jersey Shore</i> who befriends the kid from <i>Chronicle</i> and they form a homo-erotic friendship based on drug use. They both have issues with their fathers, which ties the film together plot-wise, but still flounders thematically. A bunch of stupid stuff happens and we're all left wishing that Gosling would come back and make it all better.<br />
<br />
6/10<br />
<br />Dear Filmmakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16821218729910317499noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3842229596448725018.post-25907802650028779092013-02-23T00:31:00.000-05:002013-02-23T19:12:22.583-05:00The Top 10 Films of 2012, or Ten Films that Wouldn't Have Made My Top 10 list in 2011.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-nLTabsapzSo/USft-A9eXBI/AAAAAAAAAmI/bBqrj5fEuT8/s1600/holymotors.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-nLTabsapzSo/USft-A9eXBI/AAAAAAAAAmI/bBqrj5fEuT8/s400/holymotors.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Accepting the award for best still of the year is <i>Holy Motors,</i> because the still from <i>Killer Joe </i>was NSFW.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<br /></div>
There were a lot of films that I liked in 2012, just not very many that I liked a lot. There's currently a twenty way tie for tenth going on but, by the time I finish this opening paragraph, I promise I'll pick one. My list is fairly predictable, but I'll try to spruce it up with witty/childish/gangsta commentary. I had tried to make the list better by watching plenty of non-Hollywood films but, unfortunately for 2012, that meant that I watched twenty bad movies in a row. As always, the list does not include documentaries, because then this would just be a list of ten documentaries. Before we get started, here are some personality awards (because fat kids deserve recognition too):<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
<b>The Highest Highs and the Lowest Lows Award - TO ROME WITH LOVE</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguckAOc2a2OknZYPBQj-38b7PErO_7MY5K9s2NNoNzF_eJ8_faUbwtxbxz3aCU4ZBtTQvq6VYi1Pf9z1HF9_IqTBT0KrQwcEeeNPhh7PzM4im9SEJmSLYsNOYzmFms3RZDi8XMsufUY8w/s1600/toromewithlove2.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="120" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguckAOc2a2OknZYPBQj-38b7PErO_7MY5K9s2NNoNzF_eJ8_faUbwtxbxz3aCU4ZBtTQvq6VYi1Pf9z1HF9_IqTBT0KrQwcEeeNPhh7PzM4im9SEJmSLYsNOYzmFms3RZDi8XMsufUY8w/s200/toromewithlove2.png" width="200" /></a></div>
<br />
The diagetic opera staged around a man who can only sing while showering was the highlight of my year, and Roberto Benigni spontaneously becoming famous for no reason isn't too far behind. Unfortunately, <i>To Rome with Love</i> also included an absolutely painful segment, starring Jesse Eisenberg and Ellen Page, that ruined what could have been another of Woody Allen's recent greats.<br />
<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>The Best Movie That No One Thought Would Be Good Award - DREDD</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
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<br />
If you didn't see <i>Dredd,</i> you're probably writing me off as a lunatic right now, but as far as action movies go, <i>Dredd</i> ranks with the best of the year. There isn't much plot but, as we saw with the Sylvester Stallone version, plot can sometimes be a bad thing. 2012's <i>Dredd</i> consists almost entirely of Judge Dredd and Psychic Dredd blowing up a building run by a drug gang. And since <i>Skyfall</i> was garbage, you might as well watch <i>Dredd. </i>Or <i>The Raid, </i>which is the same movie but better.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>The Supporting Actor of the Year Award - MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
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<br />
I'm not kidding when I say that Matthew McConaughey's role in <i>Magic Mike</i> should have gotten him nominated for Best Supporting Actor.<i> </i>He wouldn't be my favorite to win, but yo, McConaughey owned in that movie. Add that to his performance in <i>Killer Joe, </i>and I'm starting to think that I may have been able to sit through <i>How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days</i> if he had fed Kate Hudson some KFC. I haven't liked McConaughey this much since <i><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0316768/plotsummary?ref_=tt_ov_pl" target="_blank">Tiptoes</a>, </i>and that's purely for the sheer strangeness of Gary Oldman playing a dwarf.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
And here is your top ten:<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">10. Life of Pi</span><br />
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<i>Life of Pi </i>actually wasn't one of the films locked in the twenty way tie for tenth. While that battle was going on, it was comfortably placed at ninth, which goes to show you how little the order of any of this actually means. <i>Life of Pi</i> is kind of like <i>The Impossible</i> except Naomi Watts is played by a tiger, which is always an improvement. You'd think it'd be harder to pull of a film consisting almost entirely of a boy trapped on a lifeboat with a tiger, but it comes off with relative ease here, because tigers are scary and there's a carnivorous island to break up the monotony. The frame narrative in which Pi recounts the story of his survival is relatively obnoxious, but it's necessary in order to hit home the thesis of the film. I'm a bit skeptical on the effectiveness of the film's final argument, but that's because I'm a cynic and thus I got a cynical ending.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">9. Chicken With Plums</span><br />
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If you watched <i>Chicken with Plums </i>without knowing anything about it, you'd probably think it was directed by Jean-Pierre Jeunet. The narration is incredibly similar; running off on tangents and describing characters and events with a whimsical charm not dissimilar to <i>Amelie</i>. If you've seen a Jeunet film, you know that this is certainly not a bad thing. <i>Chicken with Plums</i> is funny, ludicrous, and touching at the same time. The story's protagonist, Nasser Ali, has been having a rough time as of late. Ever since his beloved violin was broken, he can't find another he deems suitable to replace it. Finally, he decides he wants to die, and he confines himself to bed, waiting for death to come. Of course, this isn't just a movie about a dude lying in bed. While Nasser Ali waits for death, we are told the story of his life, his family's life, and the story of his lost love. If you want to watch only one French film this year, I recommend this one. After all, <i>Amour</i> really is just a movie about a woman lying in bed.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">8. Django Unchained</span><br />
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<a href="http://dearfilmmaker.blogspot.com/2012/12/django-unchained-or-cinematic.html" target="_blank">Here</a> is my original review of <i>Django Unchained</i> if you want more thorough sarcasm. There's really not much to say about <i>Django</i>. Christoph Waltz kills it in the first act, Leonardo DiCaprio is fantastic, and Jamie Foxx is underwhelming when left to his own devices. It's really funny, it's too long, and has very little to offer other than a raucous good time at the cinema. It's the second of three Best Picture nominees on this list, and the least likely to win. We all know <i>Argo </i>has it locked up anyway, with an outside chance that <i>Zero Dark Thirty</i> wins based on CIA intervention<i> </i>and threats of torture.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">7. The Cabin in the Woods</span><br />
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Apparently, some people didn't watch <i>Buffy the Vampire Slayer</i> and <i>Angel </i>religiously, and thus didn't know what to expect from a "horror" movie written by Drew Goddard and Joss Whedon. I have a completely scientific theory, backed by little to no empirical evidence, that people don't like to be surprised by the genre that a film inhabits. Sorry if you were expecting a horror movie, bro. This shit is funny. <i>Cabin in the Woods</i> is a very engaging deconstruction of the horror genre that comically develops in just the right direction, although I think there were better choices for the cameo at the end. I don't think <i>Cabin in the Woods</i> is quite as successful as <i>Tucker and Dale Versus Evil </i>was<i>, </i>but we really don't need to fight about it, it's all good fun. It is important to note that this film is fiction, the world's governments are much better at human sacrifices than the film would lead you to believe.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">6. Silver Linings Playbook</span><br />
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<i>Silver Linings Playbook</i> may actually be the most flawed film on this list, but it has enough heart and warm butterfly feelings to make it to number six. I can be romantic too, dogg. Bradley Cooper is fairly nauseating in the lead role, spouting some nonsense about finding the silver lining in bad situations. He's quite obsessed over reuniting with his ex-wife, and the anticipation of this seemingly inevitable awkward reunion made me cringe. Thankfully, Bradley Cooper saves us the traditional third act blowup, and we're left with sugary feel-goodness instead, which the rest of the film offsets nicely with strong bursts of humor and a hint of emotional levity. It never quite reaches the status of actual drama that it seems set on imitating, but in this case that's a good thing, as the moments that stand out are comedic or light-hearted romance. There's always some appeal in the discovery of happiness amidst the despair of living, but it's all outweighed by the scene in which Jennifer Lawrence scolds Robert DeNiro, which is probably my favorite scene of the year.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">5. The Perks of Being a Wallflower</span><br />
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<i>The Perks of Being a Wallflower</i> is a perfect capsule of adolescence, reminding us of a time when playing the right song in a car full of the right people could make being molested by your aunt okay. Spoiler alert! C'mon guys, it's been a book for years, don't you read? Anyway, by the time molestation enters the picture, everyone's all like, "Uh, okay. No one really needed that bit about molestation tacked on at the end, but it's okay because we're listening to this mysterious song that we don't know the name of, even though its obviously David Bowie, who we've never heard of even though we're obsessed with eighties music." What was I saying? Anyways, the main character is obnoxious, but his friends are interesting enough to keep you intrigued. <a href="http://dearfilmmaker.blogspot.com/2012/10/the-perks-of-being-wallflower-sophomore.html#more" target="_blank">Here</a> is my original review in case you need to hear some more about teen angst. I liked this quite a bit, but I feel a little bad about it.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">4. 21 Jump Street</span><br />
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This may have actually applied to the "Best Movie that No One Thought Would be Good" category, but <i>21 Jump Street</i> was so good that I may have forgotten that there was a time when it wasn't supposed to be. Our boy C-Tates really came into his element here, finally manifest as the lovable, sarcastic lunkhead we always knew he could be. Jonah Hill is as Jonah Hill as ever, but what makes <i>21 Jump Street</i> really stand out is that it's hardly a reboot at all. It does, of course, share the same premise of its source material, but it quickly diverges into its own territory. C-Tates and J. Hill show up to their first day of high school, and quickly realize that high school values have shifted. Being smart is cool, diversity is celebrated, and being a stupid jock is, well, stupid. And it's all the fault of <i>Glee</i>. This small, yet original idea holds the film up, and the result is a smart, original comedy. We need more of those.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">3. Cloud Atlas</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Tom Hanks as a literary gangster is not the strangest role in this movie.</td></tr>
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I know. I'm surprised as you are. I thought this looked like a huge pile too. Many of you probably thought it was a huge pile, and I don't feel strongly enough to argue. However, I will say that <i>Cloud Atlas</i> is one of the few films of 2012 that did impress me. Multiple narratives are always tricky to pull off, especially when they span different time periods and feature characters that represent different incarnations of the same souls. Still, I found each of the narratives engaging, and the themes were evident, yet not heavy-handed as they so easily could have been. This is the only three hour film this year (and there were many) in which I did not find myself checking to see how much time was left. The film is a self-professed symphony; each narrative is a different instrument designed to be something greater than its parts when they all come together. Whether that works depends on how meta you like your coffee, but it worked for me. There's some weird (some people will say bad) mixed in with the good, and it sometimes feels a little messy, but I should probably watch it again because writing this mini-article makes me want to re-rank it at number one.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">2. The Grey</span><br />
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In case you are confused, <i>The Grey </i>is not about Liam Neeson fighting wolves. <i>The Grey </i>is about a man who wants to die but chooses to survive when that choice is seemingly taken away from him. This film has been largely overlooked, as it came out in January–a death sentence to most films hoping for awards buzz–but it is certainly one of the strongest dramas of 2012. <i>The Grey</i> is largely a survival tale: A plane crashes into the Alaskan wilderness, wolves attack, grown men scream like little girls; you get the idea. Liam Neeson leads a band of survivors who, apart from the cold, have some very large wolves to deal with. This could have easily turned into the action film the trailer wanted you so desperately to see, but <i>The Grey</i> takes the high road. It's an examination of human nature, the misery of existence, and the steps we take to avoid our bleak realities. Doesn't that sound fun?!<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">1. Take This Waltz</span><br />
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Dear Michelle Williams,<br />
<br />
Can you please find a man that you are satisfied with? We all know you never loved Dawson. Ryan Gosling? Not good enough. Seth Rogen? Well, I guess I understand that last one. But seriously, Michelle. Seth Rogen was pretty adorable in this movie. He made you a whole lot of chicken, put in the effort to produce long-term jokes, offered to carve out your eyes with a melon peeler... he's obviously adorable. But no, we meet one cute boy at a public humiliation and we're all antsy in our pantsy. Shame on you, Michelle. Your dissatisfaction with all things male does tend to produce good films, so I can forgive you. <i>Blue Valentine</i> was the best film of 2010 (no matter what <a href="http://dearfilmmaker.blogspot.com/2011/01/sorry-kids-i-had-ps3-relapse-and.html" target="_blank">my list said</a> back then), and while <i>Take This Waltz</i> is nowhere near <i>Blue Valentine</i> in terms of quality, it's number one for 2012. For now. The order of my lists change as often as the boy on your arm.<br />
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<i>Take This Waltz</i> is the story of Michelle Williams slowly falling in love with her neighbor. She's become dissatisfied with her life, bored with her husband, and is seeking excitement. Thankfully, it's not the traditional tale of infidelity–the cheating is emotional not physical–which saves it from triteness. The interactions between Michelle and her rickshaw pulling (no seriously, that's his profession) neighbor are usually engaging, both through impressive dialogue and silent expression. The soundtrack and cinematography step in to shape the silent moments, and some of the best moments in the film are articulated during our actors' silence.<br />
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I wouldn't say with certain confidence that <i>Take This Waltz</i> is the best film of the year, but I always like me an honest relationship drama. Since we usually only get one of those a year, and they're not always that good, <i>Take This Waltz</i> tops this list. <br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">EVERYTHING ELSE:</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><u>The Good</u></span><br />
<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Moonrise Kingdom - </b>Wes Anderson makes the same movie again, but it's about little kids and it's still funny although I still wish that he would branch out. He's the Tim Burton of films I actually like.<br />
<b>Pitch Perfect - </b>As if <i>Step Up, Bring it On, </i>and <i>Glee</i> had a baby with all of the good genes, this one was surprisingly fun.<br />
<b>Looper - </b>Joseph Gordon Levitt is Bruce Willis, and there's a lot of stuff that could have been better, but it was still good.<br />
<b>Lincoln - </b>This film would have made my Top 10 if Sally Field was not in it.<br />
<b>Chronicle - </b>Everyone likes to see what teenagers would actually do if they got super powers.<br />
<b>Damsels in Distress - </b>This was one of the front runners in the twenty-way tie for tenth. It's a very funny look at some very interesting young ladies.<br />
<b>Sound of My Voice - </b>Another strong film from Brit Marling. This time she shows up as a cult leader who may or may not be from the future.<br />
<b>Rust and Bone - </b>A strange blend of romance and MMA, plus Marion Cotillard has no legs. <br />
<b>The Raid - </b>The Asian version of <i>Dredd</i> is actually better and features more kung fu.<br />
<b>Bernie - </b>A pseudo-documentary about Jack Black shacking up with an old lady. And then he kills her. Based on a true story, but not a real documentary.<br />
<b>The Sessions - </b>John Hawkes hangs out in an iron lung and sleeps with Helen Hunt. Helen Hunt falls for him for some strange reason.<br />
<b>Argo - </b>Oscar bait. It was good filmmaking but uninspiring.<br />
<b>Your Sister's Sister - </b>Mark Duplass number one. Good.<br />
<b>Jeff, Who Lives at Home - </b>Mark Duplass number two. Good.<br />
<b>Safety Not Guaranteed - </b>Mark Duplass number three. Good.<br />
<b>Magic Mike - </b>Surprisingly hilarious, but descends into your standard drugs are bad narrative.<br />
<b>Killer Joe - </b>McConaughey almost made his way into the top ten. I like the way he works his drumstick.<br />
<b>The Avengers - </b>It was as good as it possibly could have been: an entertaining popcorn romp.<br />
<b>The Thieves - </b>The Asian <i>Ocean's Eleven</i>.<br />
<b>Wreck it Ralph - </b>Cute. But I would have preferred smart.<br />
<b>Man with the Iron Fists - </b>Kind of awful, but in the best way. This is what happens when RZA directs.<br />
<b>V/H/S - </b>A horror movie I actually liked. Some segments were much better than others.<br />
<b>The Amazing Spiderman - </b>It was a completely unnecessary movie to make, but it was at least better than the Toby McGuire one.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><u>The Meh</u></span><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Video Game High School - </b>This is on Netflix and its kind of funny in a Disney Channel sort of way.<br />
<b>Anna Karenina - </b>I love the form of this film, just not the content.<br />
<b>Skyfall - </b>Standard Bond. At least <i>Casino Royale </i>happened once.<br />
<b>Holy Motors - </b>Mesmerizing, but not cohesive enough to remain relevant in my mind.<br />
<b>Oslo, August 31 - </b>Drugs are bad.<br />
<b>God Bless America - </b>I kind of loved this movie because a fat guy and a little girl kill people for being stupid.<br />
<b>Beasts of the Southern Wild - </b>Indie Bait of the Southern Wild.<br />
<b>Amour - </b>Watching old people deteriorate is not fun. It's the filmic representation of an emotion that is not that complex.<br />
<b>The Vow - </b>C-Tates still made me smile.<br />
<b>The Hobbit - </b>The best Lord of the Rings movie. Actually belongs in the good column, but I'm too tired to move it.<br />
<b>Seven Psychopaths - </b>Funny but forgettable.<br />
<b>Celeste and Jesse Forever - </b>Cry about it a little more.<br />
<b>The Dark Knight Rises - </b>An embarrassment to the other two.<br />
<b>This is 40 - </b>Judd Apatow keeps making movies that I want to like. He needs a new editor.<br />
<b>The Master - </b>Another film with great form, but weak content.<br />
<b>The Impossible - </b>Better than I thought. But that doesn't excuse it for being so contrived.<br />
<b>Once Upon a Time in Anatolia - </b>Well made, but couldn't get a hold on me.<br />
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<b>Alps - </b>Dogtooth was so good, but this was so dull.<br />
<b>Ruby Sparks - </b>It got a little maniacal at the end, which I always like to see from Paul Dano.<br />
<b>Seeking a Friend for the End of the World - </b>Good idea. Mediocre execution.<br />
<b>Cosmopolis - </b>Had some really great lines, but wasn't very good.<br />
<b>Les Miserables</b> - It's better than my original review let on. But it was still a disappointment.<br />
<br />
<b><br /></b>
<span style="font-size: large;"><u>The Bad</u></span><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Ted - </b>Had a few laughs, but they didn't last.<br />
<b>Prometheus - </b>Seriously, don't run in a straight line.<br />
<b>The Five-Year Engagement - </b>Not funny and a narrative mess.<br />
<b>Giant Mechanical Man </b>- Weird, and kind of entertaining in a completely forgettable way.<br />
<b>The Deep Blue Sea - </b>A period piece about infidelity. Ain't nobody got time for that.<br />
<b>Wanderlust - </b>An embarrassment.<br />
<b>Keep the Lights On - </b>An embarrassment to the gay community.<br />
<b>The Hunger Games - </b>Filmed by an eight year old with turrettes.<br />
<b>Dark Horse - </b>Fat Horse.<br />
<b>The Comedy - </b>The name is ironic.<br />
<br />
I know I'm missing some that I saw, but that will give you an idea at least.<br />
<br />
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Dear Filmmakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16821218729910317499noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3842229596448725018.post-71125996517167429942013-02-16T23:47:00.000-05:002013-02-16T23:47:30.664-05:00Side Effects: May Include a Fedora Montage.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
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In case you haven't heard, there's a new C-Tates movie out. It's called <i>Side Effects</i>, and it stars Jude Law, Rooney Mara, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and everyone's favorite ex-stripper. <i>Side Effects</i> is directed by Steven Soderbergh, who I always get confused with David Cronenberg, because they're both Jews who occasionally make good thrillers when they're not busy making garbage. Soderbergh's track record is arguably more consistent, and <i>Side Effects </i>certainly adds weight to his claim.<br />
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<i>Side Effects</i> is one those rare films that I won't gut the plot for you, because the less you know the better. Catherine Zeta-Jones may not dip beneath any lasers, but I can promise you an awkward montage of a giggling, fedora-wearing Channing Tatum. If that's somehow not enough for you, read after the break.<br />
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<a name='more'></a>It's not hard to figure out that <i>Side Effects</i> is a sort of murder mystery, as the film opens ominously on a carpet of bloody footprints. We quickly jump three months into the past, as C-Tates is about to be released from prison, into the arms of his patient wife, Rooney Mara. And C-Tates has got plans, yo. He quickly jumps back into the world of big business, and promises Rooney Mara that he'll get them back in touch with the standard of living they shared before he went to prison for insider trading.<br />
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Shortly thereafter, Rooney Mara's anxiety gets the best of her (she's had these problems before) and she tries to hurt herself. She wakes up in the hospital and is greeted by her new psychiatrist, Mr. Jude Law. Jude Law starts seeing Rooney Mara regularly and prescribes her some Zoloft, in hopes that she doesn't jump in front of a train.</div>
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As the commercials and the title of the film say, the drugs have some undesirable side effects. Someone gets murdered, there's some ambiguous moral drama, and then the plot turns on you. It's all very enjoyable, apart from one unnecessary romantic subplot, and I have to say that 2013 is two for two so far. Having said that, I may go see <i>Safe Haven</i> out of spite.</div>
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7/10</div>
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3/4</div>
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4/5</div>
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B+</div>
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I swear that all of these rating scales have their uses.</div>
Dear Filmmakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16821218729910317499noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3842229596448725018.post-36761033375208686742013-02-08T21:39:00.000-05:002013-02-11T06:56:18.087-05:00Warm Bodies, or Cute Girls and Bonies.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiR6wtk2W2ghIAtz9wfM-hFT_TrJjzaoHqy21V0Nf-IY8ZuF434nhfqVdX5ndoKmt_UXZGRa43pv0L_v-Y3iyrsrLhQqSRl5BAbIPWZEeUV0GGx2FenaUOxhqfNXrSqMXlwujKctNx1baU/s1600/Warm-Bodies.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="295" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiR6wtk2W2ghIAtz9wfM-hFT_TrJjzaoHqy21V0Nf-IY8ZuF434nhfqVdX5ndoKmt_UXZGRa43pv0L_v-Y3iyrsrLhQqSRl5BAbIPWZEeUV0GGx2FenaUOxhqfNXrSqMXlwujKctNx1baU/s400/Warm-Bodies.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">He's trying to find the white meat.</td></tr>
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Teenage girls just can't seem to fall in love with the living anymore. Vampires and werewolves I can understand. Vampires have just the right amount of mystery and darkness, and werewolves tend to have deliciously bronzed abs even when they do <a href="http://backstage.blogs.com/.a/6a00d8341c9cc153ef0133eca2631b970b-popup" target="_blank">look like alpacas</a>. Monsters used to be scary, but now they're just your daughter's boyfriend. I guess that gives the fathers of the world one more reason to hunt them down, but seriously, ladies. I know you're all secretly dead on the inside, but zombies?! They are a little too-obviously dead on the outside, and they want to eat you. And not in an I-want-to-eat-you-so-bad-but-I-love-you-so-much-and-let's-make-a-vampire-baby sort of way. This opening paragraph has been brought to you by <i>Twilight</i> references and misogyny.<br />
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So, let's start the review here. <i>Warm Bodies </i>is good. (<i>A warm body is always good. Right, bro?)</i><br />
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Damn it. The third time should be the charm:<br />
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<a name='more'></a><i>Warm Bodies</i> is an enjoyable, albeit light, romantic comedy. The protagonist may be a rotting corpse, but we've all seen a Dane Cook movie, so we've dealt with worse. I certainly didn't expect a movie about zombie love to be so sugary, but it really is cute, teetering on nauseating, and I'm okay with that.<br />
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There are a whole bunch of plot holes, none of which bothered me because, at the risk of repeating myself: It's a movie about a zombie and a girl falling in love. Of course, the girl had also previously been in love with James Franco's brother, which is nearly as weird.<br />
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Anyway, there's this zombie named R. He staggers around with his zombie buddies and occasionally eats people. We all have flaws. R is our narrator from the beginning, waxing poetic about how he wants to be a real boy. Most of the film's humor comes from the narration, and once he meets up with his human lady friend, it largely serves as an explanation of the thoughts of a teenage boy whom, like most real life teenage boys(and sadly, grown men), can only grunt at the pretty girl. <br />
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In the grand scheme of things, the fact that R is a zombie is more of a gag then of any real relevance. Certainly the plot revolves around it, but the plot is pretty stupid: Zombie meets Girl. Zombie loves Girl. Other zombies are impressed and want to love girls too. That's pretty much the gist of it. R is so whipped that in the entire second act, in which R and Girl are largely alone together, R seems little more than a leprous mute convincing a pretty girl to love him. R comes equipped with too much humanity to even seem much of a zombie. The only real suspense brought on by R's zombie status is whether or not the girl is going to kiss him, because it'd be totally weird, right?<br />
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There's some other stuff that happens too. Girl's dad is the gruff leader of the remaining human civilization, who, understandably, hates zombies. As for the <strike>Montague's,</strike> um, zombies; their gruff unyielding father figures are the Bonies, zombies who have completely given up any shred of humanity and have been reduced completely to bone. Very fast, intuitive and computer generated bone, I might add. The Bonies don't like that R is getting all cozy with Julie (how could I forget her name? <i>See previous literary joke)</i> and make every attempt to Bony block his advances.<br />
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Everything you expect to happen happens in the end, although probably not what you expected to happen before you started watching it. Keeping in mind that <i>Warm Bodies</i> is a light-hearted romantic comedy, this is more than adequate, as the film has enough humor and warmth to outweigh the silly plot devices. It could have been better, but any attempt to do so could have easily turned it into garbage. Instead, it lies somewhere in the middle; bringing a faint thump back to this zombie heart of mine... Seriously, it gets obnoxiously cute sometimes.<br />
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7/10<br />
3/4<br />
4/5<br />
B<br />
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Let me know if there are any rating scales I missed.Dear Filmmakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16821218729910317499noreply@blogger.com0