Friday, December 18, 2009

Avatar: Somehow Didn't Suck.

Ewan McGregor dies, so his crippled twin brother (Sam Worthington) shows up.

Dear James Cameron,

Somehow, Avatar wasn't the giant turd everyone thought it was going to be. It was actually quite exceptional, even with your obligatory James Cameron dialogue.

Avatar was supposed to be worthless aside from the special effects. I was shocked to find myself actually intrigued by the inner workings of your childhood wet dream; you like giant chicks, eh? Oh, and those blue ones too; not just Sigourney Weaver. Seriously, Sigourney Weaver is huge.

Let me tell you, Cameron. I can tell you make movies for real men. There's no character development or anything gay like that. Certainly, characters change; but it's incredibly sudden and without any real lead in or logical reason. But then again, you can't program character development on a computer in your secret basement lab; so obviously, there's no place in Avatar for character development.

But I'll give you a break and be honest. Most fantasy films don't have character development anyway. And if they do, it's mostly just sexual tension between male hobbits or how Ron feels about snogging this week.

The real appeal of fantasy is the world it inhabits, and whether or not that world is interesting. And you know, James, Avatar's world meets that requirement visually (which was all that was expected of it) and thankfully, conceptually as well.

And while there are countless 3D and other visual effect showcases, they are much more of a background nuance than the driving force of the film. Well, it's not an obnoxious driving force, anyway. There's certainly a lot of action, but it's necessary action instead of gratuitous visual fellatio. James, I'm proud of you for resisting the little Michael Ba--I mean, devil on your shoulder. Now, if only you would let someone else write your dialogue! Not that the Avatar dialogue was anywhere near as much of a shipwreck as Titanic's was. Seriously, you wrote Titanic to be funny, right?

Now, James. Avatar wasn't perfect. There were certainly things that could have been better: There were scenes that seemed preposterous to a sane person; There were too many scenes of Giovanni Ribisi doing an Ari Gold impression; The plot was groanably predictable, the characters had no depth, and I totally saw Pocahontas already.

But fun escapism? Certainly.

And you totally owned with that new technology--and I could care less about your newfangled technology. Actually, I thought I cared less until I realized I could recognize Sigourney Weaver's face on her avatar. Damn you, James Cameron: Take a few years off and cure cancer.

So, all in all, you've succeeded. But be warned: If you make sequels they will undoubtedly be awful and I will be angry with you. But I can never stay angry at you for long, James. I always forgive you because you send me a flash video of CGI puppies pouting and it gets me every time. You sly bastard.

It was good to hear from you though. You disappear into that New Zealand cave for years at a time, and you never write. It's very disconcerting. Farewell, see you next decade when you make Last Action Hero a reality.

P.S. "Unobtainium?" You seriously couldn't think of a better name? All you had to do was mumble some consonants and add "anium." You think it's funny, but it's not. It's like the end of (500) Days of Summer.

1 comment:

  1. Yeah, you nailed it.

    Problems abound, but I really didn't give a shit. I was highly entertained. And it all looked so pretty.

    I really felt for Jake's 1st dragon, because he went and bonded with that beast for life, only to go cheat on it with that bigger, hornier dragon. Very sad.