Saturday, May 8, 2010

Iron Man 2, or Mickey Rourke's Cockatoo.

Dear readers,

I'm not going to write a letter to Jon Favreau. Deal with it. This is largely due to the fact that I don't have much to say about Iron Man 2, and certainly little to complain about; but also because I'm not going to praise it either. It's Iron Man 2. What did you expect it to be? It's more or less a continuation of the original, an effective sequel, but nothing revolutionary. I'm sure you'd all love the thing if Mickey Rourke had died during filming; but he didn't, and there won't be any pity Oscars given away this year.

Let's be honest. There's always a pity Oscar. That's right, Sandra Bullock. Suck it.

Anyway, the government is pissed that Tony Stark won't give them the Iron Man suit, and Robert Downey Jr. is all like, "Oh, hell no sista' you ain't takin' away my bling, I use dat to pick up my mans," because Robert Downey Jr. has always been Mo'nique in my mind. Mickey Rourke's father dies, and he gets so angry that he reenacts the end of Star Wars: Episode III, goes to America, and destroys Tony Stark's pimped out ride. Don Cheadle bitch slaps Tony for acting a fool, and Samuel Jackson shows up to whip Tony into shape.

So, in summary, Tyler Perry's "I Can't Believe I'm a Superhero Too" is completely doable, and I anxiously await it.


Oh hey! See that number under my lackluster Iron Man 2 review? That's the score I gave it out of ten, I hope you figured it out. The spambots might have trouble, but you should get it. I'm going to start doing that now, to prove that I don't consider every movie I see to be completely terrible. Most movies have redeeming qualities. You'll notice that I'll be giving most everything a 6-8. A five will represent a movie I neither enjoyed nor disliked watching, and a ten will represent a film that I consider damn near perfect. Most films are somewhere in the middle. The movie you made last summer with your brother; that gets a three. There are only three films across history that I consider tens, and maybe twenty or so nines, so if you see one of those, you better holla' back. And no, I have no idea why I prefer ghetto talk today.

I am not going to give a movie a ten because it has zombies, or because this dude was totally badass in it. I will not give a movie a ten because there was a lot of blood and some stuff exploded. I will not give a movie a ten because dat shit had some titties. I don't do that. You people know who you are, you do it all the time.

Also, there will be no .5's. I'm not a baby, I have confidence. Deal with it. That's enough for now.

P.S. See? I told you I wasn't going to proofread anymore.

No comments:

Post a Comment