The Top Ten Films of 2024.

 
If you had asked me how I felt about 2024 movies in September, I would have told you that the outlook is promising. By then, I could have already made a respectable top ten list, and I'd barely touched any likely awards contenders. By September, we already had Dune—now a real movie and not just a trailer, two Dan Stevens movies, a bunch of unexpectedly high-quality horror movies, and Netflix had released several movies that actually might have been written by a human being instead of artificial intelligence. Now in February, if I am assessing objectively, I will report that 2024 was fine; but if I'm forced to watch another 2024 movie I am going to scream—unless it's at the behest of someone I love and respect, which is approximately three and a half people. I am giving up. I would rather rewatch Megalopolis twice than watch three more adequately made but uninspiring dramas. There are several foreign movies I should watch, but am not going to. I may give in and watch the Almodóvar movie after I calm down; but I can't allocate any more hopeful optimism towards random indies, and I may never watch another Luca Guadagnino movie in my life. There is too much good television to ever be bothered with Challengers again.

Why I'm Upset

I have loved Kieran Culkin since The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys, and at one point in my life I might have told you that Igby Goes Down was my favorite movie. So when A Real Pain was getting buzz, I was ready. And then Kieran Culkin annoyed me for the first time in my life. It's like Sideways, but obnoxious. #Disappointment. Then I watched Conclave, which—for the first hour—I considered to be the best screenplay of 2024 that I could literally care less about. Someone is going to be pope, who could it be? It was kind of like Gossip Girl, but with cardinals. Then the ending happened and I wanted to punch someone in the face. Then the epilogue happened and I wanted to punch three people in the face. I watched Nickel Boys, which is supposed to be profound because it's shot in first person, but it's just black people getting discriminated against in stereotypical ways in the Jim Crow era #ButInFirstPerson. Challengers was clearly written by someone who has never experienced real love except towards churros. Saturday Night may have been suspenseful if it hadn't been about the potential failure of one of the most successful TV shows of all time. Here was an interesting concept with dialogue written by AI. Better Man had a CGI monkey and was actually really good for about thirty minutes. Nosferatu just made me want to watch Dracula: Dead and Loving It. Wicked only has one good song (but was still okay). And finally. It took me seven hours to watch The Brutalist, and can someone explain to me what it wants to be about? Because it seems like it's supposed to be about how the rich exploit the poor/immigrants, but then it's about how Adrian Brody is a dick. Occasionally, it's about how Adrian Brody likes drugs. There's a girl whose defining characteristic is that she doesn't talk, but then she talks later; and then Felicity Jones starts acting and it's supposed to be profound because Guy Pearce did an unforgivable thing. I literally just want to watch TV shows, I don't have time for this bullshit.

All that being said, there are at least twenty-five movies you could tell me was your favorite movie of the year, and I wouldn't be mad. Last year, I had to make a "Movies for Normal People" section because I mostly picked foreign movies and films that utilized bodily fluids in questionable ways. I promise I can recommend all but one of these to most people (the one that uses bodily fluids in questionable ways) and that nine of them are—at least mostly—in English. I know what the people want.

10. Hundreds of Beavers

If a silent black and white movie about a trapper attempting to slaughter human beings in beaver costumes in order to seduce a sexy minx (actual human) in a parka makes you hesitant, we started out in the same boat. I kept expecting Hundreds of Beavers to wear out it's welcome, become repetitive, and eventually lose my interest; but I giggled the entire runtime. It does an excellent job of amping up the stakes and the set pieces, and the entire thing plays out like a Looney Tunes cartoon. At first, our trapper is Wild E. Coyote, failing to capture a single beaver in increasingly elaborate ways. Maybe he falls down. Maybe he gets launched hundreds of feet away due to a poorly set trap. It's all very cartoonish and silly. When he starts to succeed, it's simple at first, but the traps become wilder and wilder, and then the beavers hire detectives to find out what's going on, and maybe the beavers are starting a cult and need to be stopped; we can't be sure. This won't be for everyone, I'm sure, but even if you hate it, you can't deny the unique creativity of Hundreds of Beavers—which is available on Amazon Prime.

9. Snack Shack

Snack Shack is about two teenagers in 1991 who are all about the hustle. They're not sitting around waiting for government assistance, they out there tryin' to get that money. They gamble (THEY HAVE A SYSTEM), they paint curbs, they brew beer and sell it to other teenagers. They disappoint their parents. Then they decide to take over the snack shack at the neighborhood pool. The first third of the movie is fast-paced nineties joy, and if the whole movie was like this, Snack Shack might be my number one. Unfortunately, a girl comes along and slows things down; but since being a teenager in the nineties was all about trying to touch a boob (To be fair, I don't know what Gen Z/Gen Alpha gets up to), I'll allow it. Snack Shack is a coming-of-age comedy, and while the coming-of-age bits are nothing new—and maybe even unoriginal—it all felt authentic and I had a good time. You can watch these dudes make hella coin and fight over girls on Amazon Prime.

8. Ricky Stanicky

Thank God, despite the rumors, John Cena is actually visible to the human eye. I went in to Ricky Stanicky rolling my eyes at the concept, expecting an amusing but forgettable comedy, but all expectations were exceeded by an exceptional screenplay— especially considering the March straight-to-internet release. Ricky Stanicky is about a group of friends who blame all their foibles and spontaneous vacations on a fictional friend named Ricky Stanicky. When their significant others finally decide they need to meet this mysterious friend, the friends hire John Cena (a Las Vegas cock rock performer) to play the titular friend. And John Cena goes hard. Rock hard, even. He studies every lie that has ever been told about Ricky Stanicky, and convincingly becomes the man, the myth, the Ricky Stanicky. Ricky first appears at a bris and honestly, if the entire movie had ended after one event, Ricky Stanicky would have been a successful comedy. But the film takes it further, and as John Cena further imposes on the lives of the friend group, the seemingly simple premise becomes more impressive and more hilarious. John Cena is basically a comedic genius, but William H. Macy also reappears in his first relevant role since Shameless and jacks the audience up. Ricky Stanicky is also available on Amazon Prime.

7. Humanist Vampire Seeking Consensual Suicidal Person

After being traumatized by a murdered clown as a vampire child, Sasha is unfortunately filled with empathy instead of bloodlust when presented with the opportunity to kill a human. Instead of hunting down man, she sucks on blood bags and schmoozes off her parents, just like most of you. But a parent can only coddle a child for so many decades, and her parents present her with an ultimatum. They cut her off and tell her to learn to kill humans and find her own blood to eat. So uncool, fam. Her sister tries to force her into killing, but bullying doesn't work. Luckily, as she traipses around town she encounters a cute boy who appears to be trying to kill himself. Maybe this is the answer. Humanist Vampire Seeking Consensual Suicidal Person is a cute little movie about trying to take advantage of a mentally unwell individual but accidentally falling for and empowering them, and if that doesn't describe dating in 2024, I don't know what does. Humanist Vampire Seeking Consensual Suicidal Person is available to stream on Amazon Prime with an AMC+ subscription, because even the subscriptions have subscriptions now.

6. Strange Darling

The hardest choice of this blog entry was choosing between the screenshot I've selected and a screenshot of Ed Begley Jr's breakfast. But considering that I almost made the "Shot entirely on 35mm film" screenshot the main photo for this entire year's entry, you'll understand why I've gone with this choice. Of course, I have an unwritten rule that the main entry's screenshot shouldn't be from a movie in the top 10 (#Spoilers: Krazy House did not make the top ten, but you should watch it and I'm sorry for that recommendation), so here we are. I get it. We don't shoot on film anymore, and film is cool. Luckily, Strange Darling is cool regardless of what format it was shot on. My dudes. This is the closest you are going to get to a Tarantino film in 2024. It is presented in six chapters, out of order, and plays on your expectations as a result. There are twists—and yes—some are obvious, but if you don't want to watch Kyle Gallner hunt down a woman he was previously flirting with, we don't have the same interests. Strange Darling is a genre film elevated by it's convoluted editing, but Ella Fitzgerald should have been nominated for all the acting awards, and if you like guns and sex and pancakes with an excessive amount of syrup, you should watch Strange Darling on Paramount Plus.

5. Kneecap

I admit openly that I am a sucker for music-based movies. But there were a lot of actual musicals and music-based movies this year, and Kneecap is my go-to recommend. It's kind of like Sing Street, but with a lot of drugs and a lot more swearing. Kneecap isn't even a musical, it's the partially fictionalized origin story of a real-life Irish hip hop group; and they all play themselves in the film. The film centers around two drug dealers who also write rhymes in Irish—which is a dying language even in Ireland. When one of our young scoundrels is arrested and refuses to speak the Queen's English, an Irish-language primary school teacher is brought in to translate, realizes our boys have been writing sick Irish-language rhymes, and offers to provide sick beats for their lyrical genius. Then they all do drugs, start performing rap music, and find their true calling. I didn't know Kneecap was an actual band until after I watched the movie and started googling, because half the movie is made up—including Michael Fassbender as a political activist/terrorist on the run—and that makes the narrative much more fun that something like A Complete Unknown or Better Man. I enjoyed the music of Kneecap, but it's also a fun, funny film, and I need more of that in my life. Kneecap is available to stream on Netflix.

4. The Substance

I recommend not eating food while watching The Substance, which is rare for me since I once ate a sandwich while watching autopsy footage (College was weird). Ironically, considering what happens throughout the film, the most disgusting part of it might be Dennis Quaid eating shrimp. The Substance is about a still-hot Demi Moore being sad that she turned fifty and no longer has the body of a twenty-year-old (even though she clearly has a body better than most thirty-five-year-olds at worst). When presented with the opportunity to take a mysterious substance which promises to let her reexperience youth, she gives it a shot, her body rips open, and Margaret Qualley pops out. Turns out the substance makes a sexy young clone of yourself, and now Demi and Margaret have to follow a very specific regimen of tasks involving bodily fluids in order to swap active bodies every seven days. As with all good horror movies, the rules are not followed, and chaos ensues. On the surface, The Substance is about desperate attempts to stay young, but it works as a metaphor for any type of addiction and it is stylish as hell. We've got bright colors, wide angle shrimp shots, and frame-by-frame butt replays. It's the most stylish cinematic experience of the year that didn't suck and while I was underwhelmed by the ending on my first viewing, I have come to my senses and wouldn't have it any other way. Put away the snacks and watch The Substance on Amazon Prime.

3. Hit Man

Glen Powell is a national treasure. It has been obvious since Everybody Wants Some!!, but 2024 is the year it's become undeniable. In Hit Man, Glen Powell plays a very straight-laced professor who also works as a tech nerd for the local police department. When the normal undercover officer gets suspended, Powell is tapped by the police to go undercover as a hitman, and gather evidence on clients who want to pay for murder. It turns out this is his calling. His disguises get elaborate, he has a high conviction rate, and then he meets a sexy lady who might want to kill her husband. In her case, Glen decides the mark just needs to escape a bad situation, so he convinces her to leave her husband instead of arresting her. The police are disappointed but the woman is intrigued, so she leaves her husband and starts a relationship with Glen's fake hitman persona, Ron. Ron is cool. I'd have a beer with Ron. I'll admit that Glen Powell could probably have onscreen chemistry with a lampshade (See Anyone But You), but chemistry in a Netflix movie is rare so I have to call it out Hit Man as particularly sexy, funny, and just a damn good time. Watch Hit Man on Netflix and understand that Glen Powell is becoming my boy just as fast as John Cena.

2. Ghostlight

Ghostlight is probably the quaintest movie on this list, but it's hard to make a good film about grief and that's exactly what's going on here. The premise of a middle-aged construction worker joining a production of Romeo and Juliet is not the most convincing sell, but all the best dramas have small concepts; and Ghostlight is a small movie with a big emotional impact. After suffering a major loss, Dan joins a community theatre group and begins to see parallels with the play and his own life. He is unfamiliar with Romeo and Juliet so his daughter shows him the really-old-movie version (starring Leonardo DiCaprio), and he begins to heal wounds and rebuild his familial relationships. I don't have anything smug to say about Ghostlight except for how painful it was to realize that the Baz Luhrmann version of Romeo and Juliet is considered old by children now. It's simply a very raw look at a family dealing with tragedy, and how they move past it by participating in a tragic play. If you enjoy the rare feat of serious, effective dramas, Ghostlight is available to stream on Hulu.

1. Anora

Number one with a bullet. I know I said that there are twenty-five movies you're allowed to personally rank as your favorite of the year, but that's only if you somehow don't appreciate Anora as much as I do. Maybe you can't stand nudity. Maybe you don't like to laugh. Maybe you don't identify with the overwhelming fear that someone might actually be attracted to the real you. If so, fair. You can choose another movie. Anora is about a stripper who begins a relationship with a rich young Russian, and it's all fun, drugs, sex, and games until his parents find out. They hang out. They have sex. They get married. But that news reaches the homeland, and baby boy is in trouble. The movie take a turn when baby oligarch's parents send European goons to the house to determine WTF is going on. The ensuing conflict between stripper and hired muscle is by far the best scene of 2024. Anora is a whirlwind romance, then fast-paced comedy, and finally sad self-reflection. It's Sean Baker's best film by far—he always focuses on the disenfranchised, but hasn't struck the proper balance between poor and unobnoxious until now. There's a lot to enjoy in Anora, but it would be a shame if I didn't admit that it is entirely dependent on Mikey Madison. If anyone else wins Best Actress, the Oscars are even dumber than I thought they were. Anora appears to only be available for rent, which—to be fair—is also how Mikey Madison's character began the movie.

Everything Else

ALSO GOOD

Oddity - A blind witch tries to figure out who killed her sister by squatting in her brother in law's house.

Caddo Lake - I see I'm not the only one who enjoyed the TV show Dark.

The Fall Guy - Ryan Gosling turns his Baby Goose meter to eleven and entertains us all with spicy margaritas.

Emilia Perez - Malicious Mrs. Doubtfire.

Seed of the Sacred Fig - It is important to properly store and secure your firearms.

Red Rooms - An Internet poker player stalks a trial and searches for smut on the dark web.

It’s What’s Inside - A group of old friends meet up and swap more than bodily fluids.

Late Night with the Devil - Desperate for ratings, Jimmy Fallon brings a demon onto his show and they try to identify Taylor Swift songs by the opening beat.

The Idea of You - Any twenty-year-old would be lucky to date Anne Hathaway.

My Old Ass - Weirdly not really a comedy, but the ending will make you cry a little.

Spaceman - Please watch this. Paul Dano should win best supporting actor for eating Nutella.

Rebel Ridge - Another great Netflix movie where dirty cops get slapped around.

We Live in Time - Someone finally figured out how to make cancer romantic.

Juror #2 - Questionably realistic, but adequately engaging.

The Beekeeper - Jason Statham beating the hell out of people who deserve it is my favorite genre.

Bird - A homeless guy twirls into a young girl's life and it's very wholesome.

Smile 2 - The opening scene is one of the best of the year.

Nosferatu - Every Dracula story is the same, but this one is pretty.

National Anthem - Charlie Plummer always plays a character named Dylan.

A Complete Unknown - Speaking of Dylans, Timothee Chalamet became one entirely.

Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga - I thought this and Dune would be the only two movies people saw this year, but no one saw this. It was good.

In A Violent Nature - A horror movie shot from the killer's perspective.

Abigail - Babysitting is the most dangerous job.

Y2K - This movie is basically about Limp Bizkit.

Incoming - An amusing enough high school comedy.

Thelma - Mission Impossible: Nearly Dead Reckoning

Dune Part 2 - Bob Dylan hangs out in a desert and becomes a God.

A Quiet Place: Day One - This might be the best one because there is a cat.

Wicked Little Letters - Decades before burn books, Regina George sneaks mean notes into the mailbox.

Sing Sing - 2024 is apparently the year where joining a theater group solves all your problems.

Musica - Getting slapped in the face with a fish is one of my favorite meet cute's of all time.

September 5 - A procedural about whether or not we should risk letting someone get shot on TV.

Tuesday - A dying girl makes Death giggle so he hangs out with her a while.

Longlegs - The first third of this made me think it was going to be a masterpiece. It isn't. But I enjoyed it.

The Bikeriders - People ride motorcycles and mistreat their wives.

I Saw The TV Glow - #1 movie to watch if  you realized you were gay while watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Kinds of Kindness - A mediocre Yorgos movie is still better than most things.

Wicked - The media is lying to you. Glenda has always been a political pawn.

The Order - Jude Law and a Semester In the Homeland.

Am I Ok? - An opportunity to name the main character "Annie" was obviously missed here.

Hot Frosty - A sexy snowman comes to life and melts our hearts. They knew what they were doing and made the most of it.

I Used to Be Funny - This wasn't made for me, but I could understand people loving it.

FINE OR AT LEAST FUN AND BAD

Megalopolis - This is an absolute mess but also has about forty-five moments I think about fondly.

A Real Pain - Jesse Eisenberg is supposed to be the annoying one. I don't like when a Culkin is sad.

The Real Bros of Simi Valley: The Movie - Basically a documentary about the guy from American Vandal.

The Animal Kingdom - This prompted me to watch every X-Men movie for some reason.

Speak No Evil - They made the ending so much less bleak so the Americans didn't get sad.

Blink Twice - C Tates would never do something like this.

Civil War - Can we nominate Jesse Plemons as Best Supporting Actor for ten minutes of screen time?

Twilight of the Warriors: Walled In - Elaborate gang fights over turf and revenge.

His Three Daughters - Three women act really well.

Love Lies Bleeding - Kristen Stewart flirts with girls and is mean to her dad.

Challengers - Zendaya ruins a friendship.

Sometimes I think About Dying - Don't we all.

Gladiator 2 - Literally made so that they could put sharks in the Colisseum.

River - A fun little movie about a two-minute time loop and how it effects extremely polite hotel staff.

Cuckoo - Dan Stevens is really getting himself in trouble this year.

Didi - Nineties nostalgia is great, but teenage cringe is not.

The Shadow Strays - A girl fights everyone for two and a half hours.

MaXXXine - Probably the best movie in an overrated trilogy.

Deadpool & Wolverine - A Marvel movie with jokes.

Joker: Folie a Deux - Honestly, I dug the vibe I just didn't like how the story played out.

Lousy Carter - Carter is grumpy.

Heretic - Hugh Grant turns the tables on Mormons.

Let’s Start a Cult - I took notes throughout. It's always been my dream to have my own cult.

Alien: Romulus - People run away from Aliens.

Jackpot - John Cena protects a girl as she runs away from everyone.

Self Reliance - Jake Johnson and Anna Kendrick stick together because they are also on the run from everyone.

Lisa Frankenstein - There are an alarming number of movies in recent years about dating a corpse.

Exhibiting Forgiveness - An artist draws a picture to forgive his dad. It's a pun.

Slow - It must not have been that good. I just remember that they fell in love and then probably had problems or something.

Better Man - I thought the monkey thing was kind of a good idea before I watched it.

Babygirl - Fifty Shades of Gray at age Fifty.

It Ends With Us - The drama outside this film is better than the film. It's 2024's Don't Worry Darling.

The Second Act - Actors try to make a movie and we're never sure when they are acting or not.

Your Monster - At least the monster she's dating isn't a corpse.

Between the Temples - This was a funny movie, but the end made me cringe.

Trap - Shyamalan made an entire movie just so his daughter could pretend to be Taylor Swift.

The American Society of Magical Negros - I assumed this would be terrible, but was occasionally amused.

The Last Stop in Yuma County - Watch this if you like single location crime thrillers.

Beetlejuice Beetlejuice - I probably shouldn't even consider myself to have seen this movie based on how much attention I paid to it.

The Apprentice - Jeremy Strong slays. Donald Trump never pays.

Saturday Night - It's so tense wondering if this show will be successful.

Here - The most interesting part is the guy who invents a fancy chair.

Monkey Man - This is an action movie not the Robbie Williams musical.

Terrifier 3 - This is the dumbest one, but if Smile 2 isn't graphic enough for you, feel free.

Sweethearts - Another slightly above adequate high school movie.

Krazy House - This is also dumb, but I enjoyed the weirdness.

I LITERALLY DID NOT CARE

Nickel Boys - Black boys are treated poorly in the sixties.

Fly Me to the Moon - Scarlett Johannson fakes the moon landing.

Sex Positive - A bunch of people get naked and make moderately funny jokes.

The End - The worst musical of the year.

Conclave - Gretchen! Quit trying to make "Pope" happen.

Madame Web - There are at least three Marvel movies worse than this.

Coup de Chance - He still has my overall favorite filmography, but it's time for Woody Allen to stop.

How to Have Sex - This is not how you should have sex at all.

How to Make Millions Before Grandma Dies - A spoiled brat tries to get his Grandma to leave him money.

The Beast - You actually might love this movie. It's a coin toss.

Things Will Be Different - The most boring time travel movie.

Woman of the Hour - The most charming people are the most dangerous.

Nightbitch - Amy Adams refuses to have a frank conversation with her husband and turns into a dog.

A Different Man - Based on the reviews I saw I feel like I watched A Different Movie.

The 4:30 Movie - Kevin Smith is just making movies for himself at this point.

Last Straw - Scary things happen in a diner.

Problemista - Tilda Swinton is casually racist and an immigrant enables her.

The First Omen - Evil church staff might be a theme this year.

SO BAD

Mean Girls - It's like they remade the original but with the B-movie version of all the actors who sing now.

Dear Santa - Impressively unfunny.

Rumours - I expected it to be weirder and better.

MadS - At least it has the best title sequence of the year.

Do Not Expect too Much From the End of the World - Expect very little from this movie except for the last half hour.

The Feeling That the Time for Doing Something Has Passed - This poor woman can't find a proper dom.

MOVIES I MEANT TO WATCH BUT DIDN'T

Touch

Last Summer

Vermiglio

Femme

Small Things Like These

Stopmotion

Blitz

Chime

Gasoline Rainbow

The Outrun

In the Summers

Daddio

Riddle of Fire

Sleep

Boy Kills World

The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare

About Dry Grasses

Laroy, Texas

Sasquatch Sunset

The Last Showgirl

Hard Truths

Green Border

The Girl with the Needle

Queer

The Room Next Door

All We Imagine as Light

The Coffee Table